I can’t come up with a reason to go through the struggle again. I haven’t had an intimate relationship in more than 5 years.
I was married for 20 years, but she wanted to start over by herself.
I have a 20 year old daughter who only messages me when I send her money. She doesn’t answer her phone, and doesn’t reply to texts… Unless there was money involved.
I just got laid off from my job. I’m too old to start over. I’ve done it too many times. What for? To see who wins the election? That doesn’t matter… To see the next movie or show? What is the difference…
I’ve been isolated for about 5 years now. I still love my ex-wife and daughter, but they do not have love for me.
Things deteriorated in 2008, when my father died from cancer. Watching him die was traumatic. He was a good man. The best. After he died he was accused of wrongs he did not commit and I was alone in defending his honor. At that time I split from my family of birth. I’ve been in a depression since that time.
I’ve come to know that the only thing that makes life whole is to be loved, to be touched, to be cared for. I have none of that, and haven’t for so long now that I wouldn’t know how to do it again.
I haven’t set a mental date yet, but I am sure that I will do so. Probably as my money runs out. I’m not moving again, I’m not selling everything I have. I worked hard to regroup after the divorce. I’m too old and too tired to do that again.
If you are reading this, I hope you can find a reason for continuing. I’ve lost the fear of death. 150,000 people die every day. I’m sure whatever is next will show itself. Maybe nothing. Nothing would mean no more stress. Nothing sounds good.