Walked out of class because I couldn’t stop crying the moment I arrived. What’s wrong with me ?
I went to the cemetery on the hill my favourite place to go. And I just lay on top of an above the ground grave. And I cried.
I cried until I was numb.
I cried until I was screaming.
Then I just lay there. In silence. The wind blowing on my skin and the sun beating down on me.
I couldn’t really feel it but I didnt care. Because this was the first time I had felt at peace in weeks.
I lay there limp and emotionless. Anyone walking past would’ve thought I was dead I’m sure of it. Not that anyone would care. They’d just leave me there to rot amongst the dead.
And that’s where I decided I was going to die. When I was ready.
On that beautiful grave with my beautiful death. Poetic .
But for now I have to keep going. I won’t last much longer but I still have him. And he makes life worth living.
I miss my cemetery on the hill.
40 comments
Dear Angel,
I know u’r in pain
& I know u feel like there’s no hope out of this
I’m a stranger to you
but I do care
& I swear to you I wouldn’t have left you there on that hill…
I would have came to u, running
I really really want to help out
or at least listen to you…
I know you can’t see it
but there is hope…
& we can find a way
you don’t have to disappear
& you don’t have to go
Do you think we can talk about this?
I wanna know what’s troubling you & what’s making you so sad…
Can you give me a chance?
I do have to go. But it’s okay, some people just weren’t meant for life.
okay, why do you have to go?
can we, maybe, talk about this?
how did it all start?
It started with everyone leaving. And nobody caring. Talking solves nothing. I’ve had enough talking. 5 whole years and I’m still this way.
Okay angel,
I understand
& it’s okay
I’m only asking that you try me…
can you give me a chance?
just one chance
who are everyone?
Okay angel,
I understand
& it’s okay
I’m only asking that you try me…
can you give me a chance?
just one chance
who are everyone?
Everyone I’ve ever met. Ever trusted. Ever believed loved me when they were just lying.
okay
3 things
[1]
i know i’m just one person
& we barely know one another
i don’t even know ur name
but can u count me as one person who cares?
it’s not a trick or a lie
I wouldn’t be here with you
having this talk
if i didn’t care
can we maybe try
to re describe the situation now
& say
that u have one person who cares
[2]
u say “i still have *him*”
would i be correct if i count *him* with me as a second member in my, currently, very small team of “People who care about Angel”?
cuz it’s only me here so far
& i could really use some company
🙂
if the answer is no, then that’s sad but I guess I’ll just have to accept it & move forward to other points
but if the answer is yes, can u please introduce me to my new team member?
who is *him*?
I’ll wait a bit on thing number [3]
okay angel,
i need to get some sleep
& i’ll be back
I apologize if my poor attempt at humor pushed you off
I’m just really trying to get u to smile even if for just a brief moment
I really hope we can continue this conversation
tc
‘him’ is the boy I love.
okay… if I may say, i’m glad to hear it
so can we maybe add him to the list / team?
or is the love, currently, from ur side only?
As far as I know he loves me. But people lie so I guess I’ll never really know.
If i may, I say we trust him & count him in…
so would it be okay with u
if we now say
that 2 people care?
Why do you even care ? You don’t know me. I’m a horrible person.
& i’m not saying that it has to be a big deal 4 u or that it has to mean a lot, if u don’t feel that way
but just for the sake of keeping count…
i care because u’r a human being
& horrible or not
ur life does matter
It’s sweet that you care for me as you do, but life does not matter. Especially mine. Everything will end and no one will remember anyone. Might as well get it I over with.
Look
can we agree that,
for the time being,
each of us has one thing
that the other can’t understand
At least just for now…
I will accept the sad fact that,
right now,
i can’t understand why you want to go…
In return
I need you to accept the,
perhaps annoying
fact
that,
right now,
you can’t understand why I care…
can u accept that & still talk to me despite the fact that it’s probably annoying to you?
You’re not annoying me. I just fail to understand why you’re wasting your time on me. I’m definitely not worth it Hun.
glad to know i’m not annoying u…
dearest
it’s as I said,
u can’t understand y i see more than a million reason that makes u definitely so worth the time [ which cancels the possibility that my time is being wasted ]
& i can’t understand y u wanna go so badly…
can u help me understand…
i want to hear ur story… long or short, good or bad, important or not important…
maybe as u help me understand what went wrong & y u wanna leave
maybe, just maybe
i can help u understand y i’m asking u to stay
okay?
I don’t have the energy to explain. You don’t need to know about my life. You simply need to know it is a cycle of self hate for myself and others. If I don’t kill myself I am bound to kill another.
I can understand *inclined* / *tempted* to kill… but “bound”… what makes u so sure?
& y hate urself?
& y hate others?
are there reasons?
Just the way I am. I’m bound to to at some point.
I hate myself because I am a disgusting guy human being.
I hate others because I’ve come to find that people are scum.
okay, before i comment
just a side question
r u a boy or a girl ? 🙂
not that it would matter in anything
i just like to have an abstract imagination of the person i’m talking to
that’s all
I am a girl.
oh okay… i thought so, but when i read ” guy human being” … got me a bit confused 🙂
okay
i’ll skip the “bound” part for now
what makes u a bad person?
The way I think, the way I am, the things I say. Just, everything.
alright…
important question…
do u feel it’s logical to think that these things are unchangeable?
You can’t change the way someone thinks. Once they’re set on an idea it’s almost impossible to change it.
angel, it’s not me who’ll change ur mind or how u think or feel about urself or others or life…
do i wish i could?
u bet…
& right here
right now
i wish it more than anything in the world
but sadly i know i can’t,
no matter how much my heart bleeds out for it
but You can
you can change the things u hate about urself / the things that make u hate urself
& you can change the way you think
& you can change the ideas you’r set on, it’s not impossible, not even almost…
I fail to believe I can. But your enthusiasm is appreciated.
apologies for the delay…
could we talk about your day ?
How’s ur day like, on average?
Out of 10 it’s a 2. I just want to die.
I can relate 🙁
it’s okay…
Can you tell me what makes up the 2
& what do you think could fill in the remaining 8
?
I don’t know, the weather makes me feel a little less numb I guess, which makes it a 2 instead of a 1. As for adding on 8. Death.
I’m glad to know that the weather counts
I happen to be a bit of a nerd when it comes to math & science
so this part of me is gonna come out now
& I’d say
I disagree
I’d say that “Death” is a (-2) or a (-x) [where (x) is the current rating of your life]
& so “Death” does nothing but bring this equation to (0)
which is something u never really experienced before
& is not necessarily a good thing
was that wierd? 😀
I turned you off again, didn’t I ?
It’s really that bad… my sense of humor
🙁
I promise I’ll try not to make any new jokes again…
I just really hope we could continue talking
[On other news: we almost lost Mehikka yesterday [the girl you talked to before, u asked about why she didn’t jump]… gave me one big scare but she’s okay now, if u wanna say something check her posts: “Last Goodbye” & “Little Sister”]