Dear M, My one and only friend
You were the best person I ever met. You always took care and looked out for me even though im such a child. Everytime I feel apart you helped pick me back up. You pushed and motivated me to be something with my life. I looked up to you in a lot of ways. You pushed me to get a job, mostly because i wanted money to hang out with you but i still had a job. You even inspired me to give college another chance. Your the only person I trust with my life. Your the only person i’ll listen to. Even if you didnt feel the same way you were my family, the only family I had, and I would always have your back. Through all the shit I went through no matter how fucked up my life was you was there for me. I want you to know you made this life worth living. I finally had a friend :). Finally someone who cared and gave a shit about me. Someone I could hang out with. Through all the darkness my happiest moments became when we would hang out with each other, when we used to go out to tournaments, when we used to eat ramen together. Those will always be the moments I cherish most. Thank you for those memories.
I dont know how to explain how it got to this point M. I’m dieing. And i’ve been dieing for a while. Crying in my room and fighting the urge to cut myself again. Everyone seems to ignore me but I knew I would eventually get to this point. And I tried to avoid it. The only thing I wanted in life was this friendship. And for a short time I was content with life. I finally had something. But we stopped being friends and a part of me died that day. Even now we’re still not really friends like we used to be(you currently have me blocked on fb). On top of that i’ve lost any desires in life. I dont love my family and I cant be the son/brother etc that they want me to be, as that person died a long time ago. My life is over. I dont want a job, i have no ambitions, i have no family and now it feels like I have no friends anymore. The loneliness is killing me and having no desires or drive in life, i havent had any for a while now. I just wanted to be surrounded by the people I care about. When I said my life was over this is what i meant, I gave up on my professional life a long time ago, because I dont know what to do with it or maybe I dont want anything. I just wanted a friend and after you left I realized i’d never actually be happy. People would come and go as they always have and i’d just be left hurt wondering what went wrong as I always have. I cant handle losing any more friends. Losing you destroyed me. Im sorry I didnt come to you(if I havent) because I was scared of losing my only friend again so I tried to hang on as long as I could but I cant deal with this pain anymore. I wonder how my life wouldve been if I didnt take those drugs. Maybe we’d still be friends, Maybe I wouldnt be struggling to find a job, maybe i’d feel less empty on the inside. Maybe I wouldnt have lost that part of me those couple of months. Maybe I wouldnt have any of these fucking scars. Most of the week I cry and think about cutting myself. Not a single day goes by that I dont regret not killing myself those months ago. Can I tell you a story? I told everyone in the suicide group i believe you added me in that I was going to kill myself soon. This one women took it upon her self to post it all over my fb wall so that friends would see and they could maybe do something? Well all my friends ignored it and after a hour of us going back and forth she eventually told me to just kill myself and she didnt care. Everyone seems to ignore me and it feels like I have no one to talk to. Im tired of this pain. I cant take it anymore. Im tired of this broken shit empty life. I’m tired of pretending im ok. My family destroyed me and my life just constantly keeps falling apart and constantly getting worse im so tired M. I just want to get drunk so I can finally remember what its like to be happy, to not have to worry about anything. Things arent going to get better. I dont have a family anymore. I dont have a friend to make the pain go away. I dont have a future. The world did this to me. Im not eating, im not healthy, i hate everything about my self and this life. I hate what everyone made me become. You were the only person that made me feel like I could be something in life, that this was worth struggling for, and now it feels like no one has my back. I cant do this alone. I never wanted to do this alone. I hate feeling lonely or being alone it ruins me and I cant deal with it. Im tired of crying alone in my room. Im tired of being alone.
Im sorry M. Im sorry for everything. Im sorry for everything that happened between us those couple of months. Im sorry for all the trouble I put you through. Im sorry you had to have such a broken child of a friend. You didnt deserve any of this. And im sorry for the pain this might cause. Even as im writing this the only thing I can think about is eating ramen with you again :). I remember the time we went and i cried infront of you. I wanted to say something before we left and never got to. “You are my brother M and I will always have your back no matter what. Your my family and thank you for everything you’ve done for me”. I mean it. You are my family. Fuck my family, and fuck all of my friends. They’re all dead to me. Everyone has been dead to me for years and after a while you were just the only person I cared about. I thought we’d always be close but ig thats not how things work out sometimes. You will be the only one to read this note, the only one to get a note from me. I dont know what to say to my family or “friends” who I dont love or feel any connection towards.
“Im glad your in my life because you make it more fruitful”. You said that to me one day I was high on medication and it honestly stuck with me ever since. I can die happy knowing I made someone’s life better if even for a little bit. Im sorry M please forgive me for this but I cant do this anymore and hopefully my anxiety about us not being good friends anymore or incapable of going back to that friendship was all in my head because those were the happiest moments of my life. Even when we got drunk together I had never been so happy in my life. I truly thank you for such happy memories. Please take care of yourself
Love, your child of a friend, thanks for everything