I am sad. Yesterday was horrible! I just broke down onto the floor. I don’t know how long I was on the floor, but it feels like quite a long time. I was saying ‘I can’t do this, I can’t fucking do this’. And I cut, and I played with my own blood. My floor has white and black squares, like a chess-board. And I was bleeding onto one of the white squares, and I was just playing with it. Then I cleaned my floor and put some alcohol onto my arm so that I wouldn’t get any weird infections. Later that night I was in my bed, and I just started to cry. I thought about a girl (I’m gay) and I just realized that I was only disgusted by love because I didn’t understand it. Because I lack empathy but can still be attracted to someone. And how I wanted her to be attracted to me. And she was, we’ve never officially been dating, but I know she was attracted to me back then. And I just wish I could’ve had one kiss from her. Just a kiss. I mean, we were quite physical back then, we hugged a lot and I could always put my arm around her and stuff. But the only thing I wish for, is that I could’ve had a kiss. And that made me cry. And now it’s too late! Because I never had the courage to do anything she thought I wasn’t attracted to her, and now she has a boyfriend (she’s bi, gosh this is complicated). And I like him (I’ve never actually met him, but what I’ve heard from people who did meet him and from what I’ve read on Facebook). And she has changed because of him, he learned her to appreciate older music and he has ideals, I like people who have ideals. And I feel she’s getting a bit more mature, he seems to be her first boyfriend she actually likes, and not just because she wanted to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. And I don’t feel jealousy. But I’m still sad about it. And I thought about how I was a failure. How I could never even graduate high school because it’s just so hard. And I try really hard but I always break down after a few months and have to stay home and sleep a lot. And I could never have a job and I would never succeed and just become homeless. And this world is way too much for me but I can’t commit suicide because I’m scared. If I can’t even survive high school, how could I ever succeed in society?
My brother had dinner at our house today. It was nice. I’m probably seeing him again this Friday because his girlfriend is going to make an appointment at the tattoo shop. And I’m going with her because I want to get a tattoo on my 16th birthday. I already know what I want and I know I won’t get sick of it because it’s very neutral and not anything ‘fashionable’ that I will regret later. It’s a very meaningful shape, the Mobius strip. It’s the mathematical symbol for ‘infinite’ too. MC Esher has made a few artworks with the shape, and I like Esher’s art a lot. I’ve wanted this shape for a while now, and I just know I won’t regret it. It won’t be anything big and it’ll be in a place that is easily covered for when I have to hide it (left upper arm, so that it’s still covered up with a T-shirt, but not with a ‘girly’ shirt). And Friday I’m probably going to make an appointment for August 2nd (that’s my birthday). I know it’s far away, but it’ll be a little bit closer when I have an appointment. And I like this shape because it looks cool and because it stands for ‘infinite’ which is very meaningful to me because I feel that if you once lived, you will always exist. Because you can’t destroy energy or matter. And when the universe implodes, there will probably be a new universe, and there will always be at least one universe. And I believe there are an infinite number of universes, and they’ve always exist, time never started and time will probably never end. And sometimes one of the universes implodes, and then a new one comes in its place. And ‘nothing’ doesn’t exist. And that’s why I like the symbol. And if something means a lot to you, you will never regret getting it as a tattoo, because it will never loose its meaning if you really believe in it.
5 comments
Hey M.
Loved your theory about infinity…not into tatts myself…but how hard must that be and at your age….see I have attempted 7 times…and the last time at 40…it took me that long to realize that death is an illusion…but my last attempt was somewhat successful…at least the NDE…it changed me for sure…and now that I know that death is an illusion and suicide is and never was an option…well…temper tantrums after temper tantrums after temper tantrums…lol…many of them on this site…lol
How is it that you already know something it took me 40 years to learn…and I am not really stupid…just stooopid….I am really quite bright…just slow and old…lol
Can you share that? How you figured it out so soon?
I think under the circumstances I would encourage you to get the tattoo….why wait even…lol…still working on patience…lol…but for sure…then you will always have a reminder of your truth…just jealous that you’re so much smarter than me…will have to settle with being wiser I guess…lol
Namaste
Amakua
Dunno man, I think the idea of ‘nothing’ is just a bit hard to understand, even illogical. ‘Infinite’ I think is easier to understand, and a lot more logical. I just don’t think it’s logical for ‘nothing’ to exist because it would mean there is something way bigger than any universe. And a universe explodes at an almost infinite speed if I’m correct (I’ve never been good at math and physics, I enjoy reading about them but I’m bad at the subjects so I don’t do them any more at school) so that’d mean that sooner or later the ‘infinite nothing’ will be full, and what is supposed to be outside the nothing? I think the idea of an infinite number of universes is much more logical. I can’t seem to figure out what the ‘inter-universal-something’ is supposed to be though, because universes start really small and then expand, so that’d mean there has to be some form of ‘super-dark-matter’ between them. And don’t get me started on black holes, I have no idea what they are. About the living=forever existing thing, I guess it’s quite logical too, once you’re dead, it doesn’t mean you’re not part of the universe any more, because you’ll be part of the history, and time is quite a curious thing, and a moment will always exist in time, only it can not be reached by anyone. I dunno, there’s a theory explaining this but I forgot what it’s called. Also, your atoms will never be destroyed, because you can’t destroy matter, and when our universe implodes, you will be part of the hydrogen in the new universe. And life is energy, and energy can’t be destroyed, so you’ll always exist in some form, whether consious or not I don’t know. I guess consious because I believe consiousness is energy as well. But I don’t have any logical explanation for that, so I might be wrong.
I’m glad you liked it, I was expecting some know-it-all physicist to show up and try to prove me wrong. But it’s just my believe, I also believe in an infinite number of dimensions but I’m not going to explain that right now because I have to go now and I don’t want to cause anyone ‘death-by-being-bored’.
Good Morning M.
Did you have a good sleep? So funny…”death-by-being-bored”…nice concept but I don’t think it will work…lol…otherwise I would have killed them all off weeks ago…lmao. Nope no physicist or scientist here. Was hoping you could explain things to me…I suck at numbers…theories not so bad….but I prefer words…I have to get my numbers through the music.
There really are an infinite number of universes…oddly enough the ones they charted to date….seem to take on the body of a man…lol…and definitely an infinite number of dimensions as well….lol…i was a reading something on line called “infinity for dummies”….lol…
http://www.spiritualpsychotherapy.net/id110.html
take a look and let me know what you think.
Oh yeah and you also have an infinite number of bodies as well….not physical…lol…yeah but even that….but I like how we continue to exist always. I would definitely be getting the tatt if it has so much meaning and purpose for you…
But here is the scary part….sorry….you will not expand into infinity when you leave this life…but go on to a different dimension..well 6 of your vehicles will. The truth is that if we understood what was before and after this reality…we’d all be in a hurry to get out of this reality…lol…i was…until i understood more…but even I am still a human with no idea how this works…just know it does. This is what i mean when I say things like, no matter where you go….there you are…lol.
We are here…trapped if you will….to learn and experience and grow…the next dimension is not as dense as this one…and we create with thoughts…but we can create worlds with our thoughts…so perhaps we are here to learn how to control our thoughts and feelings and impulses….trying to imagine what a temper tantrum looks like in the next non-physical dimension…lol.
So why do you self-harm in the first place…I haven’t cut for many many many years…but I do still self-harm in some ways….I’m definitely not perfect or close to it yet….but I have time…or I can always come back if I need to or wish to…like that will happen again…lol. But I know why I do it and I fight for self-control…can you understand why you do it?…
I just realized that you are two weeks older than my youngest daughter…and I was an old lady when I had her….yikes…lol…that just explained so much…lol…she is currently suffering from a severe depressive disorder…but we expected it…were warned actually…because she is so intelligent…and because she has Aspergers. The smarter we are…the more we confuse and upset ourselves….cause we can…lol. Are you as much of a perfectionist and procrastinator as she is?…lol
Let me know if I haven’t put you to sleep…lol
Namaste
Amakua
My mom is 51. I have Aspergers too. I guess I’m a bit of a perfectionist, but not really bad, just ambitious. And no, I don’t understand why I self-harm, just gives me kinda a thrill every time. Same reason I manipulate people, play with their emotions. Test them. Just a stupid game I play.
Hello again M….not amazed you are a fellow Aspie…I was not diagnosed until almost 40 years of age…so I have suffered…hey want to read a really good book?…It’s called “Born on a Blue Day” by Daniel Tammett…I just read it a few months ago..it was amazing. I love reading anything about fellow Aspies…and even we are not all the same…but there are some things that “norms” are not ever gonna understand.
I have done all the things you are doing…before I was 15…and it got worse after that…because I was undiagnosed and misunderstood for sure…and then I really took the self-harming up a notch….please hun…stop now and look for an answer…a support group or system…a new way of understanding…but please….until you understand…try real hard not to do anything too foolish….maybe carve but don’t cut?… And if you want to test me…lol…go right ahead…if nothing else…I’m real.
Blessed Be
Amakua