Lost a brother and losing myself

In short, my brother killed himself april of 2011. He was my only brother and he will always be my closest and best friend, a hero of sorts for a little brother if you understand the relationships between siblings. anyway, he was 29 married no children and i was 21. few months after he passed away i was going to shoot myself in the heart with a 12-guage slug to ensure death and hopefully immidietly death would follow. to this day i don’t know what changed my mind, not fear of death but i guess fear for my family’s wellbeing.. but anyway.. i think about him everyday. shortly after his death i became deeply addicted to opioids then overcame that addiction 8 months later only to be followed by sever alcoholism. I am not ok. I am not a stupid individual and neither was my brother, in fact he was technically a genious that never flaunted his intelligence. but he made a stupid mistake by leaving us, because he abandoned me in this fucked up world. I would have literally burried a body for him, anything, and i mean it. and the worst part of it all is i don’t think that the pain ever goes away… i think people find ways to cope but that wound is still deep in their souls. I have seriously considered suicide over the past year. I just want you to know, if you are seriously considering suicide and your family isn’t already fucked up, get help because all you will do is hurt everyone around you. for me it’s slightly different, everything is already as it is, fucked up. so anway please try and recognize the problems before they eat your soul away. and like my brother, when i make a decision it’s been made. so please avoid these situations with your families because it only brings pain and more pain. bye, and goodluck in life, may god bless you