I just feel I’m not worthy of living.
People who live should want to live. They should be happy and should want to accomplish things.
Ive posted about my lists before, that was not really a success. (understatement)
Since Im very chaotic, sigh, I lost my original lists. Which lead to a panic attack caus I cant stand losing things. So I made new ones. And it bothers me really much that I dont know what exactly was on the original lists.. but anyway I’ll just add the things I forgot now later.
I thought I could maybe share the lists this time.
Reasons to die:
- I am selfish;
- I am ugly. Really ugly, partly because I’m too lazy to do anything about it. Partly because my body is entirely covered in scars from about 8 years of cutting;
- Obsessive: due to my OCD;
- Im paranoid like hell: I always see things and hear things and feel like bugs are crawling over my body. I always feel like everyone is looking at me because Im so ugly and everyone is laughing at me;
- Im an addict;
- Im a whore: and im not good enough to be anything else than a whore. Im only capable of being a users-object;
- Im aggressive;
- Too impulsive: I spend money like crazy, I always say and do whatever comes to mind first;
- Always negative: some former friends event old me they didnt want to hang out with me anymore because I always bring them down by being so negative;
- Im stupid and I fucked up college;
- It would just be easier and more quiet for everyone;
- Im not a friendly person: Im just not nice;
- I get anger attacks often: especially when I dont have the means to get high;
- I ruin lifes;
- Im manipulative; I know how to make people do things for me when I want them too. I used to manipulate my ex so he would stay with me. He left me (good for him) after I ruined his life;
- Im a liar: no I dont just make up random things for ‘fun’, im just an excellent liar and it sickens me. I dont even have to think about it, when I need to (and since I’m an addict I need to a lot) the lies just come rolling out of my mouth;
- I have hurt a lot of people with my stupid and selfish behaviour;
- Im not good at anything. I could not make a worthy contribute to society in any way;
- I have had voices in my head since I can remember, and its driving me crazy;
- I get attached to people very easily which causes me to be dissapointed very easily.
- I have major seperation anxiety;
- I have crazy moodswings;
- I feel empty and I have always felt like this, the emptiness even hurts;
- Im very chaotic: which often becomes a problem to other people because I blame everyone else;
- I most likely have borderline disorder which cant simply be cured, youll always be a borderline patient. (i left my psychiatrist before she gave me a diagnose);
- Ive wanted to die since I can remember so I should just do it.
Reasons not to die:
- My mother and some other people may get upset.. but I think it would be a big relieve for everyone since Im just a burdon.
And yeah, if you know whats wrong you should be able to fix it right?
No.
I have tried to fix myself for a very, very long time and I am tired. I dont have the energy to do anything. I dont want to be fixed anymore. I just want to die.
5 comments
I read your other post. Let me first start by saying this; your past is the past, your yesterday does not have to be your today …
Anyways .. you are still very young, and that is the most advantegeous attribute of all (you must take advantage that), if you want to turn your life around you must do it now, please. How? i don’t know…. intentional community perhaps (check it out)? ha … With your story, for obvious reasons ‘rehab’ comes to mind…. i’m not familiar with how they work though.
Iono, whatever you do.. please, take those ‘right’ baby steps.. towards .. the rest of your life.
Goodluck my friend. I wish i was more useful … im trying to fix myself too, doing whatever it takes… cya
Dear Christina, once you’ve rested a bit as that is one hell of a list and a lot of work both emotional and physical, required for you to have done that – perhaps make a list…even if it is total bull shit on some level … but without thinking just write really fast and disorganized what list you would require of yourself to consider yourself worth living.
What would be your list of who you are that would make life worth living to you?
I’d love to see that list and I bet many of us could benefit from reading it but don’t think about that…just yourself.
PS THE glass cannot be half full unless it is also half empty and in my experience it is thirst that determines how we see it.
Hi Christina,
My names sabrina. I dont know much about depression or suicide but i do know that dieing isnt your way out of a sitution. Many people have problems with friends and school and love and life, i sure know i do. your list is pretty long but think once more about what are your reason to live… you have your TRUE friends(which are all the friends you need) your mother (which would be so devisated) the rest of your family (which care about you each and everyone of them). If you think about it there are alot of people in your life that DO care about you. you could acchomplish so much. It scares me thinking about suicide, people turn to it because they want all the pain to be gone, they want to feel relief. But what relief are you going to feel it if your, dead? Im not going to try to talk you out of it, im just here to help. whenever you need to talk just email me:
horselover0623@hotmail.com
🙂
I understand your in alot of emotional pain but if you want to feel that relief you need to let it out tell someone really close to you, someone you KNOW you can trust. Ill be with you alllll the way 🙂
-Sabrina
I know this is a old post, but including this one I just finish reading your first 3 post and “wow”… I’m speechless. I have no need to convince someone of anything that has been in your position even before i read this list. I mostly want to say thank you for sharing your story because for someone like myself other than the chubby thing as a kid I can’t speak about the other stuff that yet.
hmm. Im not sure what to say. You’re welcome?