the amassing depression. the self-loathing, self put down. the little voice in my head telling me that i should just kill myself and be free. my fucking straight edge calling me from the drawer. my psych meds transforming into an image of freedom. fuck fuck fuck!!! how wonderful it would be, the bus driver not being able to stop in time. or the gun salesman not knowing my true intention. fuck here come the fucking tears. the kind of sadness that make me feel weak and lonely. except for the fact that i am alone and lonely. i’m a pathetic excuse for a human being. a fucking waste of space, oxygen. waste of a life that a new life could make better use of. life and hope have both abandoned me. they gave up on me so very long ago. sometimes i think of trying to find someone who would kill me, or help me kill myself. or find one of those suicide pact groups, that way i would’t have to die alone. my fucking chest hurts. every beat of my heart make it worse. i look around for someone to help me, and there is no one. its just silent. fuck fuck fuck.
i try to remember that he kicked me out of his life. but i was happy not being alone. i don’t have a soulmate. there is no red string of destiny connecting me to anyone. if there was, they probably saw who they were connected to and cut the damn thing. i am meant to fucking fade away into nothing. i am an error of life. a mistake, a virus…
i just want at least one person to care. one fucking person who wants to walk on the path with me. just one…please… is that so much to ask for. one person to be here for me. to care and to love me. someone i can call friend and have it be real…please. please please. thats all i want. just one. someone to hole me when i cry. someone to rock with. someone who wants to hold my hand. i just want ONE person to care about me. am i not meant to have such things. JUST ONE FUCKING PERSON, I DON’T CARE WHERE FROM!!! someone who says they care and means it, truly means it. someone who truly wants to be there for me. and I’m always here for people who need me. so i’ll always be here for them.
this is my down starting. this is where it becomes a question of survival.
3 comments
Sounds like you’ve been hurt by the end of a relationship? I can relate to that.
I say the same things to people when I try to explain what I want in life. I’m not saying I need a lot of money or success, and I don’t need 200 friends, I would be happy with 1 person. One real friend. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve really had a real friend in a long long time. Obviously I was close with my ex but she chose to leave me behind.
I know how you feel, it doesn’t seem like we are asking for much, just one kindred spirit to enter our lives so we have someone to talk to and someone who cares about us, someone to make this life a little more worth living. I don’t know why some of us can’t have the one simple thing we ask for while others have lots of everything.
@JBCubbs and @ThousandCuts
I know exactly how you feel. I have been through the exact same thing.
First of all. Stay strong. I felt/feel the same way about being worthless. I think the truth is that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. Trust me! I know that is probably the hardest thing to do. It sounds easy but it isn’t. I am trying to work on it myself. Take this as an opportunity to find something that you love.
The truth is that life will go on. With or without the person you love. Its sad. It really is. I don’t even think I am over my ex yet. I am with a guy that I totally love but my issues (and his too) have really affected our relationship. People, you shouldn’t give up. All you need to survive is yourself. Once you make it out, by yourself, you will be stronger. Everyone needs someone, I understand that. But that someone could be family, one friend, anyone. It doesn’t have to be that person that left you because if they left, they didn’t care enough about you and couldn’t meet your simple needs anyway. So are they really worth your time? No.
I know I am really no one, but today I offer you my time and my friendship as other people had offered to me on this site when I was suicidal. My email is ria.patel88@gmail.com. You can email me anytime (both of you). I will be there for you and I will provide you with the best possible advice.
Remember you are beautiful and important and people do care about you, its just that sometimes its hard to see when we are depressed or the people in your life have a funny way of showing it.
I can say that I care about you because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t spend time writing a well thought out response!
Stay beautiful!
Me? Well it’s an interesting request. If it was me then that would probably be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Nah, your probably waiting for someone else. The only path I’m walking leads down into the depths of despair, a path I walk alone. Someone else on the otherhand might be going in the opposite direction and I bid them luck, as that path it arduous and perilous. A good friend only gets in your way if you happen to be going down. Mine just give me a kicking on my way.