I know it’s going to happen

I know it will it is just the details I want to fill in. I see knifes and I get ideas. I see my moms diabetic medication and I get ideas. I go to school I walk upon the top of the staircase and I see the bottom and I  get ideas.  I today held a knife and pointed it to my chest. I know I’m not afraid of dying. I’m sick of being treated like shit. I am infected with the misery decease which was stung into my heart by the needle of destruction. I see my money and I see guns online and I get ideas. I will say this I want to die quickly. I don’t want to stay in this world any longer so any possible way I can shorten the amount of time it takes to die will be good. I find myself banging my head against the fridge desperately wishing for pain to reach me like how I deserve it. I know it will come. I know it will be soon. The best people can say is that I am selfish like I asked to feel like this.  If I am truly selfish then why would I wish that I could take the pain of the world inside me and die with it just to be ridden with those curses. Some were born with luscious bodies and magnificent faces that instantly gratitude them the life of happiness with someone in their arms also a person with similar great qualities.  I’m not an athlete nor am I am model.  I never will be any of those things.  No one wants to be with or even look at a fat person or someone of my ugly structure. I was born with this curse and I shall die with it. I feel like it is my destiny to do this to myself. It is something I have to do in order to redeem any value on my tortured soul. It must be saddening to hear this but please note I am not sad at least not on the outside. Inside I have to much to work with. I am accepting of this situation. Now that I am looking at my computer screen seeing all these things in my face they are painting a portrait to me. If I could name the portrait it would sit upright with the name glistening I knew it was going to happen. I’m getting ideas.