distracting

I feel this way, on again, off again.  I’m sure other people feel it.  I hope no one else does, but at the same time, I hope I’m not alone feeling it.  It’s hard to describe it so I won’t right now but I’ll try to express my thoughts because of these feelings.  Every time I feel like this, I throw myself into a distraction. Sometimes they’re classes like the piano or learning a new language. Volunteer work.  Sometimes it’s following a sports team or being interested in a serial like a TV series. It’s shallow, very hollow, but I thought it helped. When the distractions are gone…. the classes are over, or I’m just failing at whatever I’m doing or I’m no longer interested in the media… or let’s face it…. everything ends. I’m left alone with those same feelings.  It’s…. so……. hard…… dealing with those feelings.

I’m at that age where distractions aren’t working anymore. I want to throw myself into my work, but I can’t stand my job and can’t find a new one. I want to throw myself into a relationship, but I’m ridiculously uninteresting/ed.  I want to help the world, but nothing changes.  I want to make myself a better person but I don’t know how.  [I already have the easy stuff covered: no drugs, no drink, no vice, excercise, church, honesty…. always the boy scout.  The hard stuf is “now what?”]

My own thoughts betray me.  “Feeling sorry for myself”  What have you.  Ugly, wretched, depressing, killjoy, foolish, uninteresting, unappealing, failure, tepid, shy, bigotous, loudmouthed, offensive, negative, deluded, disgusting, perverted, miserable, pompous, fake… I’m a hypochondriac for insults.  Even the ones that are contradictive, I think I’m both, accept that I’m both and don’t know how or why.

I convinced myself to never kill myself, logically. I’ve convinced myself that it’s never been an option and will never be an option.  Both religious and scientific, I have it engraved in me to not let myself kill myself for any reason…. but I want to.  My family has experienced a suicide and their reaction was varied from unresponsive, condemning, pity, confusion, guilt, frustration…. so many different feelings and my biggest shame is that my first emotional reaction to hearing he killed himself was envy.   I can’t say anything, confide anything, all I can do is be annonymous.  I told my doctor, he gave me vitamins, they don’t help, the feelings just aren’t going away.  It’s been like this for over 10 years… can I really be like this for another 50?  Right now, tying about it helps.