Abnormal.Thoughts

Today I hurt myself. I diverted for four days, at that point I let myself go.

My girlfriend came over one night, because I told her I would like that, and stayed for two. Did she know something was up? We haven’t talked about it despite me thanking her for her company because I was struggling. 

I feel like I’m flipping inside, like a rock in a tumbler; dutifully polishing myself to appear so smooth and beautiful, to invite the curious touch of the world around me.

But the barrel is dark and the grit is slowly whittling away at all that I am, making me smaller until I am not the stone that caught your eye any longer.

I fall into the mass of other beautifully polished people worth no sharp edges or variations in texture.

-————-

the image is another random poem I wrote. I don’t know if I like it much yet.

It’s all fucked up.

Maybe I’m drunk and high but suicide does sound lovely right now given the pills on  my counter.

She broke up with me. I saw the signs. I waited. I was right.
This one is hard though, there was no fight, no harm, no foul, just a non-fit. I knew it and so did she but it’s hard as hell to let go after that initial connection is made.
Anyways, I want to cut, I even want to die, but really? I left a thirteen year relationship and barely batt an eye because I had moved on mentally long before but I’m about top commit die after breaking up a four month relationship? That seems ridiculous. Emotions are emotions but that […]

So yeah, definitely had the conversation that she isn’t going to be around much while she is focused on recovery. Yeah, good for her? I guess I’m just not part of what recovery looks like, and I somehow knew that. She told me she didn’t want to lead me on and not be there. Then there is me, stupidly in love, I agree to stay on the possibility that she decides not to push me away again later as she works through stuff but I’m clearly not a priority, should I be a priority, we’ve only been dating for four months. Idk. Why am I […]

So, my GF is in rehab for alcohol, she’s doing well, but I miss the hell out of her. I’m not okay mentally but physically I’m holding myself together so she doesn’t get concerned. I’m doing my best not to say things like, “I miss you” because I’d don’t want her to leave there before she’s ready for me, and she’s the kind of person that would. I did say it once and I started crying. I’m trying to be supportive but I can’t even begin on the whole story of how hypocritical I feel.
 

I’m scared that when she gets out she will […]

Really fast.
It’s all up from here.
Eventually though.
I hit the ceiling.
And there will be no place to go but down.

So, the long boring backstory you can probably skip, though it probably won’t be as long as it should be because I don’t have the attention span for that right now.
My boss/company owner was married when I started my job. I was married. 3 months later she and her husband are fighting because a guy that worked here was caught kissing her. She said he was trying to rape her and he was fired within the week. Another 3 months later and she’s cheating with the office gal, both are married and are poorly keeping it a secret. She divorces her husband to […]

Without getting into an overly long and likely annoying story, I was drunk to blackout and decided to cut myself. So I debated for a while then got upset with myself and cut hard and fast. Immediately I thought, “oh fuck” and slammed the paper towel onto the wound. Panicking I start looking for anything to bandage this monster up with and finding nothing fast, I tell myself to stop being dramatic and it will be fine, lift the towel to assure myself that we’re okay, nope, not okay, definitely need stitches.

FUCK FUCK FUCK
More panic.

More panicking.

Look harder for wound closures or something. Throwing shit […]

Mother, father, grandma, brother, daughter,

I made a decision, leave me alone. I don’t need your lectures, you can get off your pedestal. This is how it is and this is how it’s going to be. My daughter, my home, my family. I’m not coming back so get used to the idea.

The end

Success isn’t everything, you can’t be happy if you don’t have your freedom.
I could have done so much more to be successful but the cage I would have put myself in to get there would only make me miserable. I did what I had to, because if I didn’t, I can’t imagine I would have made it this far.

I get these moods where I want to just start telling people things I’ve felt/done/thought that is stuff I have kept to myself for ages and I don’t know why. I should keep it to myself, and I know that, but I have an impulsive strong desire to get it  out there despite knowing reactions are likely to be poor.

A while back I told my partner about being suicidal and that the only reason I couldn’t go through with it was because I felt I had to take care of my family. Is it odd that the response was that he doesn’t want me to feel that I have to take care of them?

This piece really touched me, so I thought I would share.

By:

Brandon Sanderson, “Rhythm of War” edited into storytelling format

“The Dog and the Dragon”

There is an inn, that you cannot find on your own. You must stumble across it on a misty street, late at night, lost and uncertain in a strange city.

The door has a wheel on it, but the sign bears no name. If you find the place and wander inside, you’ll meet a young man behind the bar. He has no name. He cannot tell it to you, should he want to—it’s been taken from him. […]

As long as I stay busy at work I am doing okay. Even staying busy in the evening is good. It’s the weekend when I am drowning and the intrusive thoughts are coming.
“I don’t deserve to live.”

“I’m such a fucked to person.”

Some days I just want to wallow in my misery but there is no space for that. And can I just have some silence for a while?
Don’t think. Just don’t think. It will be fine if you stop thinking.

On one hand I know I am not good for you, I don’t bring you happiness or anything good: on the flip side, you love me too much and I’m afraid that you would kill yourself if I left

I could cut the tension with a knife. The pull is almost overwhelming but I’m an idiot and what is there in me that would deserve this? Too many emotions to contend with.

I’ve lost 8 pounds in two weeks, which is a lot considering I started at 119. Partly because I’m getting a good workout with the new job. Also, I’m not eating for several reasons, much is just chance of circumstances but then when there is food my stomach turns at the thought of it. I’m not anorexic or anything, I just feel wrong.

I want to feel special but I also want to hurt […]