Author

alum

I wish the littlest things didn’t bother the shit out of me. My iphone just broke after trying to update, because Apple is a stupid fucking piece of junk company intent on taking money and producing shit products. But we all know this and subscribe anyway. So now all my important contacts are gone, which is awesome considering I NEED TO FUCKING CONNECT TO PEOPLE IN THIS FUCKING DAY AND AGE.

Also ended things with the boyfriend, and am quite repulsed by the selection of men out there. You don’t believe me? Try dating at least three nyc guys without finding the self-absorbed “King of the Universe” bullshit. […]

7/19/2016 0 comment

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by alum 7/9/2016

written by alum

Not sure who I am living for any more. I feel betrayed by everyone. Went to visit my family for July 4th, ended up getting punched in the stomach and back by my older sister for throwing a can in her house, she’s a monster *****, fake to the core and so severely shallow. I’m not speaking to any of my family after the whole incident, even considering that my grandparents are moving to a whole other country at the end of the month and I will probably never see them again. Which also makes me very sad. But I’ve dealt with loss before. I […]

7/9/2016 2 comments

I feel like the girl on the swing

by alum 7/9/2016

written by alum

Surrounded by the dead, or a dead person in disguise among the living, just waiting. I’m starting to think that in one of my timelines I had died instead of surviving and that’s why I don’t feel like I truly exist. It’s like some of these other parts of me have died already, like a part of me exists in a spirit world and I am semi-translucent here. If I have already died then I don’t feel like the me that exists now, the one that survived, exists as a whole person. If hell is just the last of seven stages into sadness (this is a more spiritual eastern interpretation), […]

7/9/2016 0 comment

Oh Wonder

by alum 3/15/2016

written by alum

Kind of hit me like rock, not sure what I expected. And now the swirling depression just sinks in. I was planning to move out anyway end of the month and when I brought it up to bf he basically told me to get the f* out and that I am supposed to be sleeping on the couch and that we are definitely over. I already paid my half of the rent for the 2bedroom apt we share for the end of the month. It seems a little surreal. I honestly thought I was just going to move out and we would eventually break up since […]

3/15/2016 0 comment

contemplative

by alum 3/9/2016

written by alum

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ts7FQaVULRs

3/9/2016 2 comments

Are all my friends dead?

by alum 12/13/2015

written by alum

I don’t even recognize the people on this forum anymore, where did everyone go? Did they get better and move along? Did they finally just bite the bullet. I need to talk to someone..

12/13/2015 11 comments

NO worries it’s just my dead body

by alum 12/13/2015

written by alum

So I got the job, I graduated, I did it. Throughout all the torture of having those really bad lows. And it just doesn’t get better, even if you get a good salary, even if you work in your field, able to pay back on loans and debts and are financially solvent, it just doesn’t get better. I lost my phone, I am still with the person that irritates my very being. My apartment looks like a hoarder’s, I have packed boxes from 6 months ago sprawled around. I’m starting a new job. I’m not even sure if it’s the right decision or if I […]

12/13/2015 6 comments

Dr. James Dobson and Me

by alum 4/12/2015

written by alum

Well here goes, I should be writing a research paper at the moment and I’m already behind on thesis work for a industry panel review on Thursday which is freaking me out. Sorry if that sounds like I’m trying to act like I’m better because clearly I’m not, I have paralyzing anxiety and getting things done hardly happens, I have withdrawn from college twice with no tuition reimbursement in the past, which I can’t even really afford to pay for anymore so I really just need to buckle down and graduate since I’ve been an undergraduate for six years now for a four year degree. I […]

4/12/2015 8 comments

Sunday Night Party (not)

by alum 8/4/2014

written by alum

It’s Sunday night, and as usual I’m stuck inside. No one trusts me to go out anymore and I always feel as though I’m on lock down. I’m bored. I don’t really want to play video games or watch movies, I have been doing nothing but that for the past month. Hoping some of you out there want to lighten up the mood, weekends are hard for me and apparently that’s not so uncommon. Especially since I know there are things I could be doing but can’t because it’s so hard to travel where I am without a car. I should have asked to get […]

8/4/2014 33 comments

by alum 8/3/2014

written by alum

I’m sick and tired of waiting to hear back from my boyfriend. I heard my sister on the phone talking about me and I’m just so fucking done with all of it. I’m sick of people. I didn’t even want to be here to begin with. She starts complaining about how I keep her up at night because I want to finish the last 15 minutes of a tv show (even though I’ll turn off the lights and try and move the screen) and tries to embarrass me publicly about how I watch MLP. Whatever suck it. Seriously. I don’t give a fuck that I […]

8/3/2014 8 comments

It’s too much of a burden to be alive

by alum 8/2/2014

written by alum

So I guess I’m wondering if there is any difference in being dead in LA or NY. Not that I’m partial to either, but if I just go ahead and off myself in LA I would save a couple hundred for the plane ticket to New York. I guess I feel more comfortable in nyc, I know the area well and it would be nice to be there, something about the city I guess. It was the first place I really felt free. That would take a little bit more planning and less money to reimburse other people. Either way a hotel is pretty easy […]

8/2/2014 43 comments

Here goes

by alum 7/22/2014

written by alum

There is so much fear. I want to go back to school this fall to finish my degree but I’m not sure how I am going to survive. I had big dreams of graduating and going on to MIT for graduate program or even just getting a job and being responsible. I feel like I am falling apart here. I feel as though I am either normal or depressed and not functioning. I don’t trust medication and I don’t trust the doctors who screwed me over. I became depressed on birth control, then took Prozac, was abusing Adderall in between to finish deadlines and the whole […]

7/22/2014 7 comments

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by alum 7/20/2014

written by alum

I don’t even know if I should even be writing this post. When I used this site a long time ago I only ever used it as a place to confess, have my last words, that kind of thing. It was like I could just dump my emotional baggage here and be done. No need for comments to boast my ego or tell me that I’m worth it and I certainly did not use this site as a way to fish for compliments. It’s turning into other forums, the ones where people are like, “honestly, do you guys think I’m pretty?” I understand we all get a little […]

7/20/2014 9 comments

26,000+ in debt plus 28,000 thousand more

by alum 7/18/2014

written by alum

So this man posted his hospital bill on Reddit as an example of our flawed healthcare system and apparently, his situation is not completely unheard of. As a 20 year old who is contemplating bankruptcy because I owe 26,000 to a hospital when I was made to retract my 72hr notice several times and kept in conditions that violated my patient rights but was explained to me that I was basically less then human and had no rights several times so apparently that made the treatment ok. It’s funny because the first time I tried to off myself I was just sick of living in this […]

7/18/2014 41 comments

Eugenics, Forced Medication, and Mothers

by alum 7/10/2014

written by alum

Honestly I thought I would be dead by now, and not having to deal with everything I am having to deal with now. I wish I was dead. I feel like a burden to my sister who has been trying to take care of me. I used to live with my boyfriend but he wasn’t sure if he could handle it anymore. I still can’t forgive a lot of the hurtful things he has said. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off without him in my life. Even now, most of my things are in his possession so I can’t really end things. […]

7/10/2014 7 comments

Ever feel like you were meant to die?

by alum 7/10/2014

written by alum

And I’m not talking about the people who have had close brushes with death and feel like they are living on borrowed time (you know, the ones who are like “a piano almost fell and killed me! Now I will live life to the fullest!”). Or maybe I am? I have survived from a very real attempt at suicide. I always wanted to die. I have tried plenty of other times but was always stopped or prevented. I hate that when you die, the people who treated you the worst are never the remorseful ones. The funny thing is that they are the ones who […]

7/10/2014 33 comments

Untitled

by alum 8/13/2013

written by alum

I go to practice tying the knot to hang myself with and think brilliantly that I already have rope that would be perfect for it. I walk home all excited to try only to realize that I threw out the rope in the beginning of the summer because I wasn’t into bondage anymore and didn’t think I needed it. Haha wow sometimes I really think the world is just messing with me. I can’t explain what a let down that whole rush was.

8/13/2013 2 comments