Honestly I thought I would be dead by now, and not having to deal with everything I am having to deal with now. I wish I was dead. I feel like a burden to my sister who has been trying to take care of me. I used to live with my boyfriend but he wasn’t sure if he could handle it anymore. I still can’t forgive a lot of the hurtful things he has said. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off without him in my life. Even now, most of my things are in his possession so I can’t really end things. I wonder what would have happened if we ended things long ago. If I had killed myself the first time, I would have been able to leave my sister a significant amount of money. Now I have almost nothing left because I can’t seem to hold a job and I hate working with people. I can’t afford to finish college, even though there are several options I can take, none of them are ideal. Even then, I hate being alive so I can’t justify wasting everyone’s money. I am weak, I feel like I was born weak. I can’t even finish my stupid degree, which has taken 6 years and I still can’t seem to finish my credits on time. I am very much in debt. I would rather die then keep trying to struggle with a part time job. Even working part time I don’t make enough to live on my own or even with another person to afford health insurance and dental. I am always in pain, my body aches all the time. By Darwin’s standards I should really be dead. Honestly if the system just allowed those who are biologically weak and wanted to kill themselves to do so, we would be eradicated that from the gene pool! That means the people who are being born are already at an advantage and aside from the mutant gene popping up every so often, very few would ever have to live and suffer the way we do. Which brings me to my point about children, simply do not have children if you are not capable of giving them a secure childhood. Stop being selfish because you think having a child will distract you from your problems. You can’t force someone to love you, children are not self-aware and the pressure you put on them to love you destroys them. Essentially you do not have enough love to give to someone else let alone a child.
On a side note, just read this article from depressionforums and it had me pretty riled up, not only because it ended with the most nonsensical sentence, “when both extremes oppose, it is usually right,” this is in context to liberals and republicans, but because it was complete and utter bullshit. I mean what does that even mean? That if both parties oppose killing children that means we should really be slaughtering them by the bucketful? Do you see how this makes no sense? I hate that people worship doctors and clearly forget how easy it is to obtain a degree, you need to be decently intelligent, able to retain and process information and have a financially supportive family to finish med school. I have met plenty of drunk would-be doctors at Johns Hopkins University that should not have gotten their degree but alas, they did and now feel free to spout their inane opinions with the repercussion that there are actually people stupid enough to listen. Essentially the article is trying to get people to agree that people should be under forced medication and parents should be able to force medication on their children. Not only does medication come with a warning in use with young children, you could potentially screw up your child’s neurological well-being. And all because parents are too lazy and stupid these days to “deal” with having a child. They want it to be as easy as possible. Now I was misdiagnosed as bipolar II when a well meaning psychiatrist accidentally induced manic cycling when he doubled my dosage of Prozac. Does that mean I should be “forced into treatment” against my will because a SSRI caused the reaction? What this allows is for psychiatrists to force their own sponsored medication for their own gain and profit. I have seen people with mild depression end up on seven different drugs completely non functional at the end of it. I have had many friends who tried to stop medication with the help of their provider only to find that their psychiatrist, and this is true, would say “you can’t get off you medication, you need me, you NEED me!” It sometimes makes me wonder who the crazy people are in this world.
My boyfriend’s mother was of the belief that almost every one needed to be on medication. Which was so odd because there were times when she would get into a fit and shout and scream and chuck things at my boyfriend and myself. And yet she was downright insistent that I needed to be medicated. She would never apologize and my boyfriend has a lot of anxiety from being ignored frequently as a child. I have also had friends who had mothers that used to lock themselves in the bathroom and cry and say that no one loved them. Again, the pattern of emotionally explosive and inconsistent women tend to produce children who have trouble self-regulating their own emotions. I used to try and point out to my boyfriend that the way his family dealt with things was not healthy and I wanted to avoid that. He would get defensive and of course point out how I don’t speak to most of my family members. I think what really gets me is that for people who have not grown up in emotionally abusive homes (or sometimes they have), they don’t understand that some relationship are healthier with a whole lot of distance.
I myself am considering medication, but it’s because I realize I am starting off without much of a chance to begin with. It’s like trying to start a puzzle with everyone else when your own pieces are damaged and broken. I am not for or against medication itself, I just don’t agree with forced medication because it puts of lot of power into psychiatrists who may or may not be competent.
7 comments
when extremes oppose, there is a semblance of balance.
Also “liberals vs republicans” is woefully fallacious.
It’s “liberals vs conservatives” OR “democrats vs republicans.”
However, nowadays, the lines are intentionally blurred so that everyone is confused (except a few), and most people really don’t understand what they’re talking about.
I’m “governmentally conservative,” meaning “the gov’t should remain minimized, do only what is absolutely necessary, plus maybe a few helpful things, but for the most part, stay out of everyone’s personal lives.” This also makes me a “libertarian,” but not a democrat. The Dems are all about building a nanny state, and if you pay attention, “democracy” is pretty much “mob rule.” The majority is insufficiently educated and easily deceived. It “pays” (literally) to misguide them into voting for things that should not occur. Just because 9/10 people think something should be a certain way, that does not give them the right to legislate away the freedom of the minority.
On the flip side of that, there is something called “neo-cons,” which are socially conservative, and want to control the way people live their lives (in order to profit, not due to some misguided ideology… although i suppose that’s also an ideology, but i digress). And then we have “neo-libs,” who are actually promoting, endorsing (and even buying) “governmental liberties,” which results in the government being too big, being in everyone’s personal business, and granting it far too much power to do whatever it wants (which is always according to the interests of its investors, i.e. the rich, and not “we the people”).
Obviously, this is confusing, right?
The U.S. is actually a Republic; a democratic republic, but a republic nonetheless. All those people running around slinging terms like “left” and “right” and “liberal/conservative,” are often very confused… but this is done deliberately, by design. Both “sides” (the neocons and neolibs) benefit from people being so confused and divided, that they can be easily swayed by catchy TV commercials and tugging of heart strings (e.g. “it’s for the children!!!!!” “think of the chilllllldren!”).
I personally think that no one who is insufficiently educated should be allowed to vote. Everyone should have to pass some kind of “voting test,” in order to determine whether they understand enough about any issue, to be allowed an Informed Opinion. We don’t need confused and uninformed/underinformed/misguided/brainwashed people deciding what happens in the world. That’s a huge part of why we’re in the mess we’re in.
I’m all about allowing people their choices, as long as those choices don’t result in undue harm to others. And i think it should be obvious that there is a clear conflict of interest, when any doctor is paid to prescribe any particularly endorsed “treatment.” If he’s making more money by saying “here take these pills,” then he shouldn’t be allowed to do that. And yet, we’re railed into a corner and told to think that’s normal.
Doctors should be all about enhancing the well-being of any person, whether that be through complicated symptom investigation and treatments, cures, or even just preventative measures, so as to avoid allowing the person to become sick and/or debilitated in the first place. But these days, it seems pretty obvious that they’re mostly about establishing a consistent customer base, and not actually about helping anyone but themselves.
I don’t think it was confusing but I understand how the terms are often misused. Your approach was reasonable and it was informative. I can’t help but wonder what you get out of being on a site like this.
I suppose the most beneficial thing i get out of being here, is a semblance of company/familiarity among people who kinda understand. It’s way too difficult to talk to normal people about suicide in real life, or even any of the circumstances which lead me to seriously consider it. Most of them don’t react in helpful ways, and don’t often stick around for the next conversation. And i suppose i can’t really blame them, because if i wasn’t suicidal, i wouldn’t want to think about it either… and i definitely wouldn’t want someone i cared about, to be so debilitated and disinclined toward life…
I had trouble relating to others because it was distressing for pretty much everyone I knew. I used to share this with some people to make it easier for them to understand where I was coming from. And hopefully the humor kind of helped them through it.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013_05_01_archive.html
heh, hyperboleandahalf is awesome.
Every other page on the site 404’d me..
Well I believe you would be a first rate professor. I do have some political science background but was actually using the author’s terms for what he considered to be political extremes in his article.
“…and many liberals, who have no problem with forcing people to pay money in higher taxes, will refuse to force people to get their diseases treated.”