Amber98Charlotte

…everything is normal and fine, till one day, you open your eyes to this broad daylight and find yourself in this struggle to power your way out from under the crashing car. I so want to give up now…

…one of those rare days when I wake up and not feel the inconceivably vast feelings and emotions that usually bothers me every day, and I feel that I can do something productive today; like I’m feeling actually ‘fine’ but then I know as the day will grow with time, this emptiness takes over along with a strange numbness, which is not painful so it’s kind of bearable but at the same time, I don’t feel anything at all, not even joy or happiness. And so I want to get hold of the pain just to validate my existence. I don’t know what I’m writing, […]

It feels like I’ve been thrown into the waters of this big, deep, cold ocean and I have people watching me over from the sides, cheering me to learn to use my hands and legs and begin to swim somehow. And I struggle, drowning at times and every time I hit the rock bottom, just when a part of me heaves a sigh of relief that the battle to breathe is over, I’m pulled up but left, back in the ocean – for giving me another (which seems like endless) chance to try and swim and not sink.
The cheers are loud – everything they […]

After a few months – as I appear as somebody who is recovering,  I still find myself lost into darkness. Recovery seems like learning to put up a face and live a life that the world accepts. I should probably admit that I’ve kept away from a lot of mess by being what I’m supposed to. But ….. Trust me, I found myself back there in insanity.
I’m torn between what the world has asked me to be and what I truly am.
I don’t know what else to write or why the hell I am putting this at all.

I’m not living in the fool’s world, I swear. I’m considering myself neither as a victim nor as a person who harms people. Still, I know there’s a world of people who is angry, offended, hurt because of me. Some have turned away and some didn’t. And I’ve stopped thinking what hurts more. I’m otherwise fine, really. I drain myself everyday, pay no heed to my train of thoughts and simply wake up and get going. I crash to the bed and sleep. I eat – better than earlier. at least, I can stand the sight of food without feeling nauseous. I trust less and […]

I deeply regret that day when the cut wasn’t deep enough to die or even for a good stitch. I thought I had reborn the morning next and that I should start rebuilding myself – bit by bit. I hoped that that regret will wipe away.  I would have my life within my limits and I’ve grown in all these months to not care for the world. Hoped a lot but sadly, here I am – again shattered, crying my eyes out and pain hammering my heart. I am simply thinking about how this present wouldn’t have existed if I was successful in doing what […]

My dad, as I’ve always mentioned, was a good father but the worst husband.  I literally mean those adjectives in their respectively word forms – “Good” and “Worse”! He had created raucous in the house; I have terrible memories of him cursing, abusing mom and even getting physically violent on her. I remember every detail of those incidents right from my childhood. It angers me – literally boils my blood like right now and I can’t even imagine how mom has tolerated his torture all these years until his death and post that, she’s so heartbroken and mourns for him every day – even after […]

It was the birthday of my sister. And after lunch, we’d thought of watching a movie together.  So, while watching the movie, I didn’t realize when I’d dozed off.  All I remember was falling down the steep old staircase and hitting my head hard. I had woke up with a jolt even though subconsciously I knew I was dreaming. My heart was racing so fast and I was shaking literally and breathing heavily. We were watching a comedy genre and my sister was quite perplexed.
This has happened again, this evening while I was taking a nap.  But this time I’d screamed so bad – […]

I left college today a bit late. We have some upcoming projects to cram for so we (actually, just one of the members and I) took an appointment to meet the HOD.  He didn’t appear on time in the college campus and so we had to wait, only to leave college at 6:30pm. The streets got busier once we were out in the main road waiting for the signal to turn green. My head was blank, I promise. Besides, with hell lot of medication, I hardly had felt anything strange. We were waiting for too long. The signal didn’t turn green yet but I saw […]

I’ve lied to my bestie regarding therapist. And I intend to do so with the rest of my close friends. I’m sorry I had no other way. I feel terribly guilty about it. I know they haven’t asked for it. I’m not forced to heal quickly or MOVE with Life. Every time I meet each of them or talk with them, I can sense how eagerly they wait to get a ray of hope for me to walk down the normal path. It’s been more than 11 years – I’ve only been more and more hurtful and self-destructive. All of them, especially are doing so […]

I don’t know where I need to start. Back in the days, I could just dust off all the sad, hurting and violent incidents and happily live my day. And then, I didn’t really have any friend. It was a constant battle to call even one kid as a friend but still, I could deal with all those “problems”. Maybe that’s the beauty of childhood!
I’m 21 now and Life has been a roller coaster ride all these years, breaking me into multiple pieces. The memories from the past, whenever hits hard at my mind – all of them together, a volcano of pain erupts […]