I just now figured out the reason I cannot seem to find anybody around my age (at support groups, @wherever) so utterly lacking in social support and so needy for human contact and connection–they are already dead.
If you want to manipulate your psychiatrist into giving you the medications you think are best, educate yourself with regard to mental illnesses and their medications. Always participate in your own healthcare with your doctor, if you can.
I feel I ride upon so much life potential, even at the age of 47, but I am trapped in circumstances where all this potential is backing up upon me, and destroying me. Sometimes I feel my only hope is for somebody to place me somewhere else and give me a suitable function, for I myself not only lack initiative, I often lack mind, entirely. Too many early morning awakenings, where pacing in mindless anguish continues for lack of any thing other than the going thing–pacing in mindless anguish. Only later on, in the evening, it dawns on me all the things I might have […]
People say we live only once, but they speak beyond the limits of true knowledge, for all we truly know is we live ‘at least’ once.
It could be a kind of ‘suicide prevention’ site. I think that could be a very good thing, especially considering all of the young anxious, depressed, grieving, lonely, trapped but otherwise healthy individuals who have so much potential for a decent life, their suicides would indeed be premature and tragic. Such youngsters could really benefit from interaction with others who have gone through similar experiences, perhaps developed coping skills, and survived to enjoy a better life and tell about it.
It could be a kind of site where people logically and rationally discuss quality of life issues and whether or not suicide (perhaps euthanize is the better term) is a humane and […]
This morning I’m outside sweeping away puddles of water off the concrete court, even though it is still raining and the puddles reforming. I do my best to ignore the obvious pointlessness of the work, and keep telling myself: sweeping is a legitimate job, people sweep for a living, so what’s the problem, keep sweeping.
The needle for your soul and the steel and concrete for your body: double-barreled hell. It is known as desolation unknown. And yet, somehow, I don’t know how, it is known. From this perspective, it would be rather nice to have my brains blown out. So I used self torture as a focus to distract from desolation unknown, my only rule was: do not tear the skin. I urinated on my feet to keep them warm, but at least I had urine. Because after two days, I was given water. It makes very little difference if you are on the inside or if you are […]
Say a person is destined to suffer for the rest of their life, what are they supposed to do, learn to accept it, and live the remainder of their life in pain and anguish, misery and despair?
Whenever I imagine ways to commit suicide, I cannot help but to imagine even more ways of something going wrong. When I imagine screwing up and placing myself in an even worse nightmare, such a terrible feeling wells up within me and I become afraid of attempting suicide. I feel so trapped because of this, and because I believe at some point in my life it really is going to be the humane thing for me to do, and I don’t think I can get anyone to do it for me. I feel like I want to convince a physician to please euthanize me, but I know they won’t do it.
Especially if you are young and healthy and suffering without friends and relationships, admitting yourself into a hospital can really change your mental state around in a big way. Just being surrounded by fellow patients and staff had a very therapeutic effect on me. I actually miss being with all the company in the hospital, despite the abuse. So if you are considering suicide, I highly recommend you check yourself into a hospital first.
Please do not report me and get me taken into the mental hospital. I just spent 49 days and nights in the hospital over the summer and I had to self-catheterize on the psych ward in very unsanitary conditions. I contracted an infection immediately and had to struggle to get Cipro to treat the infection. This is my dilemma: I want to go to the hospital for the company of people, but it is risky for my physical health.
My father once said to me, “Life dealt you a really shitty hand, but all you can do is play the hand your dealt.” That was before I lost bladder function. I did not think to say to him at the time, “Well dad, I can always fold.” I was born unto a house of pain, and now I have to deal with health issues on top of all the psychological issues, all the arrests, all the beatings, all the hospitalizations, all the incarcerations, and for not ever really even breaking the law. I have been locked in a dry cell with nothing in it, no plumbing, no […]
When I apologized to you the other day in case my inquiry had upset you, I had not yet seen your comment. Yesterday I saw it and read it and I felt hurt again even though I know I am not responsible for your hurt, but we are all in this thing together, and I just feel bad and think in the future I must be even more careful about asking people here questions. I cannot seem to find your comment in order to reply to it there, so I am doing it here. Even if we can consider it healing therapy to hurt and cry, I still feel […]
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