i fucked up bad. really bad. i slit my hand open and its really deep. i didnt mean to. i swear. it was an accident, i didnt mean to go that deep….oh man what gonna do? i need stitches, the bleading has stopped but it needs to be stitched. oh my God. fuck man, fuck. I cant bring myself to go tell my mom what ive done….fuck. why do i do this to myself
I’ve failed. I am absolutely pathetic, and it’s my own fault. There’s no reason for me to have failed that class. None. And yet I did.
I’ve let my teams down, I won’ t be able to run in district and I won’t be able to play in the first three scrimmages. I am a pathetic excuse for an athlete….for a team mate
This is just one more simple task that I have managed to fuck up, way to go Aj. Way. To. Go.
I went for a run on a busy road, and I couldn’t help but think how easy it would be to step off of […]
I depressed. That’s all. Not suicidal. I need to Get the fuck over it. I need to shake it off, stop being so weak and get the fuck up.
Quit being scared, stop being so pathetic, and press on
some may say that this is a selfish thought- I honestly don’t know- or maybe I just don’t care…
I don’t think that i should have to hide these cuts, or even the scars. I shouldn’t have to lie about my depression, or be pressured to ‘fake it’ through everyday. I shouldn’t have to hide the fact that I finally found something to make the pain go away.
self-mutilation isn’t a problem as long as I control it right? I’ve got a problem & the blade is my solution
I am a selfish *****- I make life miserable for everyone around me, and I just can’t stop […]
This weight is crushing me…. i can’ t keep this facade up any longer
I’m so weak. No wonder I’m alone… fuck it, where’s my blade.
don’t judge….atleast it takes this pain away
163 day are down the Goddamn drain, and I haven’t got the strength to start over. Who knows, maybe I’m headed right back to where life ends.
For some unknown reason I always end up right back where I started. No matter how much better I get, no matter how much progress I make; I still end up falling flat on my fucking face.
I am my own worst enemy… I am the one who is pulling my life apart. Piece by fucking piece, and even though I know this; I still can’t seem to stop.
Maybe this is how things were meant to be….
Forgive me for my […]
My chest feels like it is about to fucking explode. I feel like I am about to completely break down. Oh God, all I want is for this to stop! I am so tired of this FUCKING CYCLE: I just want this to stop…. why does being alone have to hurt so much.
I want to cut. No. I need to cut. It has been 84 days since that blade tasted skin. Who was I to think that I could ever overcome depression, huh? Who was I to think that I could ever stop cutting permanently, hmm? Let’s face it the blade has always been there […]
I look at myself and all I see is failure. I’m so disgusted by myself I am sick to my stomach. I would like to think that if even one person showed me kindness and compassion than maybe there’s something to live for. Maybe I’m not destined to be alone and severely depressed for the rest of my life. God, I am such a pathetic excuse for a human being. I’m so fucking worthless. Who am I kidding huh? Did I honestly ever think that anybody could ever really truly love me? No.
Is a friend just to much to ask for? Or maybe I just […]
I can’t. this isn’t living. This is barely fucking surviving. And I can’t take this anymore. I should’ve done it right the first time or hell even the second time…who knows maybe the third time’s the charm. Fuck! Fuck it all to hell. I can’t even think straight anymore. I just want this to end. it’s time for my pathetic/miserable existence to end
I know that they won’t understand, and it is so frustrating. My mother has noticed the scars, how could she not, and she has since been trying to get me to talk to her. Her methods have included getting angry, trying to guilt me into talking to her and giving me ultimatums. The other day she confronted me right in front of my little brother, and today when we were arguing he said, “well atleast they don’t cut myself”. I thought my family would be different. I thought they loved me enough to atleast try to understand but no. My mother is as blunt as […]
The pressure is building, and I am about to fucking explode, but I know that if I cut then I’ll be alright even just for a little bit while I stain my arm red. I want to die. But if death would bring me peace then I don’t deserve it. I can’t feel anymore. Does this make sense? I have gone completely numb. All i have is the memories of the actual emotions. but it’s almost as if they are scratching the surface, and maybe if I cut they’ll come seeping out so i can feel again.
Why am I so alone. I feel so empty. […]
I’ve got 5 inch scars on the inside of my forearms now…I despise them. They are a constant reminder of my inner weakness. They’ll never go away and they’ll never fade. They’re just two more to add to my never ending collection of failures.
I’m not sure if I’m worthy of love. death would be the perfect solution for all this shit…..maybe that’s why God won’t let me die….Death would bring peace…this life is absolute hell. Suffering and alone….What a way to carry out my miserable existence… I don’t deserve to live… I don’t deserve to be loved…
fuck, where did I put that blade….
Happy mother’s day […]
Pain….It’s the only thing I can feel, and it’s the one thing that I no longer want to feel.
I’m just a shell of the person I used to be.
I’ve spent so long just trying to survive the night, that I have almost completely forgotten how to live. I got 72 stitches in my arms a couple of weeks ago….I think God and the devil are taking bets….. I just won’t fucking die. I have no hope for tomorrow, but I’m done trying to kill myself, for now. So what does that make me?
My mother confronted me about my self-harm and demanded that I allow her to see my arms. I completely denied it and refused to let her look at my arms ( seeing as though I’d just gotten stitches two weeks ago). […]
I’m trying to make things right. fuck, i guess i didn’t realize working on a time limit makes things a helluva lot more difficult. Why is it that it’s never enough? why am I never enough? I can see my ‘friends’ going places, and doing things with their lives, but when I think of myself all I can think of is the nothingness inside of me (yes I stole that from Linkin Park), I can’t see myself going to college or getting a job, or being a ‘contributing member of society. I am stuck. and I just what to end it all.
Fuck. The nights and […]
sorry this is kinda all over the place…..
i feel like im drowning. Drowning In expectations, school work, and emotions. My gpa is fucking shot. Gone. Down the toilet along with any hopes into getting into a decent college. and forget about being in the top of my class…. I don’t even know how many classes I failed this past grading period. Fuck. What am I supposed to do? My father wants me to get a ‘full ride’ scholarship for basketball…but I can’t do it…besides I want to tell him that a funeral is cheaper than college anyways.
It doesn’t matter what I do. It’s […]
I want to be angry. At God. At the people around me. But I can’t. Because I got this idea stuck in my head that every screwed up thing in my life is completely my fault. Damn it! (sorry) Ugh. I just need to calm down. 17 more days. just 17 more days that’s it.17 more days of smiles and lies. No biggie. right? Does anybody wanna talk?? I could really use someone to talk to if you don’t mind
Hope everyone is doing well…..nights can be a pain in the arse to deal with
That’s it. I said I’d wait a month before I made a decision, and I did just that. But now the time has come and the decision has been made. No more strings attached. No more saying goodbye and no more lies.
I have the date and, my method is a sure fire. I can’t afford to screw it up this time around. Besides I doubt I’ll get another chance like this…i hope the people around me who actually gave a damn can forgive me one day, but i figure that I’m doing them more of a favor this way then by sticking around. I’m not […]
I cut myself again today. New blade and everything, it’s been a while, so I guess I forgot how sharp they were, or maybe I just wasn’t fully in control. It doesn’t matter now, cause i’ve got 12 new stitches and spent the last half hour cleaning blood off the damn floor.
I know that should be disappointed in myself, because I went so long without it, but I’m not. I’m relieved because atleast now I can focus. I know in the morning I am going to be all out pissed at myself, but right now I just don’t care. Because this is the best I […]
I’m trying so hard for them. I’m trying so hard to make it through this, but there’s no reason to stay and every reason to go. The realization that no one gives a damn has struck hard this week, but then again how the hell can I expect someone else to love and care for me when I am such a horrible person. I deserve to be alone. I deserve to suffer.
Three more weeks, that’s it. Then it’ll all be over. Three more weeks of happy faces, and subtle goodbyes, then, I’m done. I didn’t realize that one could fuck so much shit up in […]
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