The pressure is building, and I am about to fucking explode, but I know that if I cut then I’ll be alright even just for a little bit while I stain my arm red. I want to die. But if death would bring me peace then I don’t deserve it. I can’t feel anymore. Does this make sense? I have gone completely numb. All i have is the memories of the actual emotions. but it’s almost as if they are scratching the surface, and maybe if I cut they’ll come seeping out so i can feel again.
Why am I so alone. I feel so empty. I am just a fucking shell of the straight A student, with aspirations, and dreams and friends that I was 5 months ago. oh God, this is all just too much. i really cant take this anymore. God where are you? nobody is here with me. you said you’d be here. Somebody please
I am a Failure. i cant even fucking kill myself. its pathetic. I’m pathetic. i deserve to be alone. i deserve this hell. fuck. I have an ap test tomorrow. I should be studying but I can’t because when ever i try to I cant stop telling myself; Why the fuck are you even gonna bother? There is no way in hell that you’ll pass. And you wanna know why? Because you’re not good enough! Its the same thing im always telling myself, but I really just need to do well on this test. Fuck! why cant i just do something right.
where the fuck is that blade?
its gonna be a long long night
Sorry this is all over the place…..
7 comments
Hi, I have felt that numbness I have lived it. I can not tell you how to feel again but I can tell you are not alone. I have found you because I am alone also and feel alone , but that does not change how we feel. I just wanted you to know, maybe that will be enough for you tonight just to know that you, me and far to many others on this site feel alone, do not worry about that test it will not keep you alive and it will not stop you from feeling alone. try not to concern yourself with failure it is underrated at best and completely unimportant for you at this time, try not to worry about what others will think, they can not know your pain unless they have lived it. Let the numbness protect you from yourself for the time being, it did so for me for many months till I was able to start to feel without being run over by emotions an become overwhelmed by them, I do ask you to go to your closest person or parents if at all possible and let them hold you so when those emotions start to flow and they will , you will not become lost and let them help, face darkness and with help I pray you can draw some light in. To you and to me and all our lonely desperate friends may we all have what we need to perceive light and love with others
Week and a half with no blood. My last cuts were finaly almost gone. But I gave into it tonight. I bled more tonight than I had all the times I’ve cut before. Tonight I learned that I love to watch the blood slide down my arm. It makes me want to go deeper. I was scared to die too but then the more I thought about it the more excited I got. Less scared. I’m not scared to die anymore, just scare of the painful moment between life and death. I forgot where I was going with this comment. I’m too tired to care -.- I am pretty sure I had a point so I’ll be back after school.
I also have spent a lot of time cutting. Over 300 on my forearm. It began as a way to feel something, anything except the enormous emotional pain I felt. Then I started to love seeing the blood flow down my arm and then it became about also leaving scars on my arm, to prove I was feeling bad.
Now my arm is messed up, cut a little less than usual at the moment, but have got a few tattoos instead for giving myself some sweet, sweet pain. I will cut tomorrow though, as I have taken a few tablets now to knock myself out for the night.
I wanted to stop so that when I go to spend the summer with my mom, she won’t know right away. I want the first few days at least to be with no conflict. There usually wasn’t. There won’t be much while I’m there cuz there never used to be. But the big fight between my family that led to my mom leaving me here with my grandparents (who I fight with every day almost-grandfather almost ran over me a few weeks ago-anger issues…) was when I started cutting. Just tiny little marks on the back of my hand. And when my mom saw them-a few days before she was gonna leave-she said crazy people do that and if I did it again she would send me to a hospital. But I started again soon after she left. It’s spread to all over my forearms. The cuts I made last night probly won’t be healed enough by the time I get down there so I don’t even really see a point in stopping anymore. Until that fight- that one random day- everything was normal. And I really didn’t even understand what suicide was. Since that fight, my mom left with my brother and meh puppy, my family hates each other, my best friend had to text me when she was about to kill herself, a long distance friend was talking about killing himself, another close friend almost killed himself, my best friend’s boyfriend has tried to kill himself, I’ve nearly killed myself multiple times- I’m still here because of one person-my best friend probably hates me, I’m getting screamed at almost every night and I want out of all this. I don’t even remember why I started cutting or how it felt then. I just know I don’t want to stop. I should but I don’t. I never knew anything about suicide or cutting. I was never unhappy. I never had much- we lived off almost nothing- but my life was perfect to me. Now I don’t even know who I am. Amazing how everything could be normal and the same and perfect for someones whole life and the future seems to be the same-happy- but then four short months can change who you are inside completely. Completely lose yourself.
@ Dawn
Hey this is kinda random but what did you mean by the last comment you posted on my last post? if that makes sense
I meant your mom. What you said about why you are losing her. I was just saying she needs you
ah ok haha