Yesterday…I told myself, im going to be nice, im going to be a better person, and not mean. Well im not really mean. I just want to be a better person. I tried it today. i tried to better myself. But it didnt work. i tried to be nicer to everyone…but, once again, i’ve been hurt. Once again someone called me a man; well not nessarily. he called me a boy really, and everyone who heard laughed. Once again, i’ve been told i have a deep voice and sound like man. it’s like 10th grade all over again. i dont know how long i can […]
*sighs* Lately i’ve been happy, crying, or sad. Mostly happy, due to the fact that im ready to die, knowing my place of where i’d be after i die. So lately i’ve been happy because i actually hope and pray that i die very very soon….Im hoping it’s before 2012 is over with, if not, then on my birthday.
But until then, im getting ready to graduate from high school with 3 more weeks left. I wanted to go to college at first, and i do have one school in mind. But being a high school student now, with my lazy ways, not doing my work, […]
And you know what? Im not depressed…well not anymore, or being suicidal right now. I just WANT to die. Im happy, nothing bad is going on. I just want to die. Im ready. I dont want to be here, and im hoping that by my next birthday, im dead, and thats in January. I just cant wait to leave earth. Thats it
And nobody cares. 3-4 days ago i got into a car accident in front my school. I was hurt, and the only people who seemed like they really cared was…my mom and my teacher. I mean I know im not dead or anything, but it kind of hurts….because, well, months ago my friend got into a car crash also. People messaged her on facebook…..Like literally everyone was on her wall post saying stuff, i messaged her asking if she wanted me to visit her, everything. Everyone was worried. but me? no. Somebody LAUGHED at the fact that i got into the accident. He laughed. I […]
They all use me. It seems like it, they use me for my car, and everything. they don’t like me. My “best friend” dont even seems like she likes me. She always leaves me in the halllway for her other friends. She tells them more stuff than she tells me, but yet, she’s suppose to be my best friend. We were suppose to ride to prom together but she changed plans and is going with her other friends. I just don’t see why we say were best friends when were really not. I feel like i cant tell her anything because she will judge me. […]
I don’t know. I’m suppose to be happy, I’m finally getting a full makeover this week on Thursday and Friday for saturday’s prom. i always wanted to be pretty, pretty enough for guys in school to stop saying how ugly i am behind my back or to my face. Pretty enough for me to have a guy look at me and say wow your pretty. Or at least pretty enough for me to actually have my first boyfriend, or even my first kiss. I want to be able to walk down the hallways with confidence and not  with my head down. I know that I’m […]
My Last post was “The Ugly Duckling”. That was in the Beginning of April. For the first few weeks things have gotten better. I haven’t thought of suicide, I was really happy, but then yesterday i feel like things changed. All just for this stupid comment this guy said. Then the suicide thoughts came back. I was talking to my friend and i said, “this is the first bad comments i ever gotten on my report card”. this guy turned around towards me and said “oh this is your first bad comment? is it about your hair?” Then everyone started laughing. Because this one simple stupid comment he said […]
thats my story, except i never turned into anything beautiful. Just like the ugly Duckling, i was born ugly, people made fun of me about it since 5th grade until now (senior) and there’s just nothing good going for me. Im honestly one of those people who are ashamed of walking down the hallway because the way i look. im one of those people who walk with my head down on my way to classes. Im just soo tired of looking like this. i know i talk about it all the time, but i believe if i was confident about my looks for once in […]
today i was talking to this guy i like for 3-4 months right. and he told me he  take culinary arts. and i said “really, you takke culinary arts”? i said it in a kind of mean way but i was just playing with him like always, and then he looked at me and said
“Do you take 101 classes on how to be ugly, because if so your doing a great job on it”.
He didnt have a smile on his face, or anything, he was serious, and he turned around. i know when he’s joking and when he’s not, and he did have an attitude […]
I quit my job after 3 days. 3 whole days and i quit. im such dumb failure. Im over-sensitive, and social anxiety, and i couldn’t take the fact that those god awful customers disrespected me like that. i couldn’t bare the fact that i got threaten, assaulted and harassed. im so stupid. Secondly, this guy scared the crap out of me in the parking lot. i have never been so scared before. I was in the parking lot sitting in my car reading something, and this guy comes out of nowhere and parks next to me. He just starring at me, and he winks, and i got […]
i acutally thought working and having a job would make things easier for me. But its actually not. it actually just makes me want to continue on with my plan. It just wont be march 31st it would probaly be at the end of june or before graduation. I got the job so i can save up money and run away….then just kill myself. im just tired in every way there is.
Today, my mom told me that she might have cancer, she doesn’t know yet until the 12th. but the doctor said she might, and im just so scared. i don’t know why, i cant stop crying, she seems so fine with it, but, i don’t. my sister seems OK with it too, so why am i the only one taking it so hard. I’m  so weak. i cant handle this stuff.
for some strange reason, i have a feeling that if i dont get accepted into college, ill end my life. i know its crazy, but, ill just have nothing to look forward to in life. I already have thoughts about killing myself because the way i look and bullying problems, but after thinking about it tonight, if i dont get accepted into college, i dont think i can go on. i already got denied by 3 colleges, all the deadlines are over, i dont want to do community college because i just want to leave, its just a lot of crap built up inside me. […]
i always write here when i feeling some type of way, and right now i do.
I hate the fact that i think about suicide 24/7. when i do something bad, when someone yells at me, when my parent argue, when i get bad grades, when i look at myself in the mirror, when im standing next to my best friend, when people are starring at me, anything. I really feel like im going to commit suicide on march 31st. Â I have a gut feeling i am, im just so really ready to die. im so ready for all of this to just stop, im not […]
I always wonder, what would life be like if i was more….appealing, attractive, pretty…you know? i wonder if my life would be different, and if i would have all these suicidal thoughts. Personally i think everything would be better. The reason i get treated like shit now is because the way i look. I think if i was pretty, more people would respect me and treat me better. The other day i realized how much i hate myself. i realized that maybe im ugly, because i have ugly thoughts. or maybe because i just do horrible things. Im just an horrible person. Im so selfish […]
i Think I’m going to give my self one last chance at life. Still by march 31st, if I’m not happy and if i still hate myself, Â hate the way i look, then I’m going to do suicide .I’m going to give it a try. I’m going to try and change myself. my appearance, and my anxiety (if it can be changed.) right this moment I’m suppose to be saving for a plane ticket to Germany or California. I’m not sure which place yet. then killing myself in one of those places. but i don’t know, I’m giving myself 4 more weeks of life. I’m […]
Im saving money, running away, then killing myself. I’m hoping i get this job first, then save up to at lease 800 and hopefully that’ll be by the end of march. and if i dont have a job by then end of march 31st which is a Saturday and a little bit of money (at lease to get me to a plane ticket) then im still leaving. far away. When i  get there, ill get a hotel and kill myself. Why do all this? Well, I just cant take it here no more, i just want to leave everything and everyone. and When i do […]
I read Stories here all the time, because it reminds me that I’m not alone. Some people stories are way worse than man. I feel stupid complaining about how i want to die because i have low-self esteem. But i just do. It’s something i can’t help. Last night i had my first attempt. i took so many aspirins, and fell asleep so quickly, but woke up late this morning. And felt like shit this whole entire day. But i didn’t tell anyone of course, my eyes were so red and baggy, my stomach was killing me, and i had headaches, i felt dizzy. But […]
The thoughts are comming back again stronger than ever. I’ve been crying more and more lately. I didnt even go to school today because im thinking about doing it. I just dont see the point of living anymore. Things are getting worse for me. Im just tired of everyone being so mean to me for no reason. Last week this boy cussed me out on facebook for no reason! Then yesterday he said i look like a man, and that im ugly. I haven’t done nothing to him at all. I don’t understand. And i cant even go in the cafeteria without everyone talking about […]
I hate being here. Lately, well since summer, i just been waiting to die. kill myself. Im now a senior in high school, but i just dont want to keep living anymore. im so tired of it all. The only thing that stops me is the pain of doing it. I get bullied almost everyday. People call me ugly. I have never in my 18 years of living had a boyfriend because every guy i want rejects me. I even lower my standards and i still get rejected. i never had my first kiss or anything. But this isn’t the reason why i want to […]
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