One of my sisters is 15 and we are extremely close. After she graduates high school she wants us to get an apartment together. She’s going to get a morkie named Louie and I’m getting a Boston Terrier named Leo. When we get older she wants us to buy land together and build 2 houses, one for her family and one for mine. Underneath the ground a secret tunnel will connect our houses so that we can visit even if it’s storming. She’s buying the pool and I’m getting the in ground trampoline and swings […]
“You kind of screwed everything up.â€
“You’re the problemâ€
“This is why we don’t want you here.â€
I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m trying my hardest to find peace and happiness. I’m trying to do what’s right for me, but that’s not a popular decision.
Last week I made the choice to leave the university I was attending for a community college near my home. I’m still going to become a nurse, it’s just a different path. I didn’t want to move back into my house, but my parents made me. I wanted to move in with my grandpa, he has […]
I’m in a bit of a situation and I need help making a final decision, please tell me what you would do.
I graduated from high school in June in the top 10% of my class. All of my friends are going to good universities and started leaving last week. I moved in today. The university I’m going to is only an hour away from my home and I can come home every weekend. At this specific university I was chosen to receive early admittance into nursing school which is hard to get into. I’m rooming with a good friend of mine from high school, […]
Tomorrow morning I’m going to my first counseling appointment with a counselor of my choice who specializes in the areas I need help with most. Scared and anxious are words that don’t even do the situation justice. I’m beyond terrified, but I will be strong and I will not resist help like I’ve always done in the past. I wish I had just one person standing by my side, telling me I’m making the right choice and I will be okay, but I don’t. In the end we have ourselves and that has to be enough.
I have suicidal thoughts pretty much everyday that will […]
A year ago I felt so peaceful and free after moving forward on my plans to recover from an eating disorder that had taken over my life and jeopardized my health. I was improving more each and every day, I was enjoying food, and pleasure had been brought back to life. I thought the nightmare was over, I knew relapse was a harsh possibility, but I assured myself I would stay strong. At the time I had no support other than the occasional “I’m so happy for you†from a friend. That’s the way I wanted it, […]
If I commit suicide, will I go to Hell?
Last night was really scary. I’m 18, I’ve had suicidal thoughts off and on for over a year now, but lately they are pretty relentless. Yesterday I was having them all day, I’m not even sure why. I also just relapsed with my eating disorder. Every day I either restrict calories or eat and then make myself sick. I threw up twice yesterday. When it came time to go to bed I could not think about anything other than killing myself. I started to drift off and as I did I started picturing everyone who knows me going to my funeral and reacting to my […]
Life isn’t supposed to be like this.
I’m supposed to go to college in the fall. I’m supposed to become a nurse in 4 years. I’m supposed to look forward to the future.
All I can think about is suicide though. I don’t want to be alive anymore, I’m done. I know if I die I will mess up a lot of peoples’ lives. That’s the only thing holding me back, I don’t want to hurt everyone. Does anyone have any advice? I don’t know how to make these thoughts go away and they’re ruining my life.
I’ve never felt this suicidal before. For the past 24 hours I have just been in this constant state of desperation. I smile, I laugh, I carry on with life, but in the back of my head I’m gone. My thoughts are disturbing. I’ve considered waiting until after my open house to kill myself, that way the open house money can pay for my funeral. Or I’ve thought about telling the school counselor to tell my parents everything we’ve talked about and then killing myself before I make it home. I don’t want to live anymore, I really don’t.
Why can’t I just be left alone?
I meet with the school counselor once a week. I’m supposed to be recovering from an eating disorder, but right now it’s more like relapsing. I went down yesterday and my counselor was really concerned with some of the things I shared, but I promised to work on them. Today I got called down again and when I walked in I could tell something was wrong. Usually we joke around and laugh about things, but she looked so sad. The more she talked the more I realized she was about to have to call my parents. “It’s the law, […]
What does it even mean when people say “everything will be okay…” It’s such a comforting phrase, but it’s complicated. I used to think that “okay” meant everything would go back to how it was before. That thought got me through so many awful nights, but one day I realized that was never going to happen. I got so upset, I didn’t want okay to mean anything else. Now I’m thinking about it and I still don’t understand. Does it just mean I’ll survive, that this won’t be the end? I don’t just want to be okay. Am I selfish for thinking okay isn’t […]
I have moments when I’m sobbing on the ground, unable to think of anything besides suicide. There is something so comforting about being able to take away your own life, your own existence. I’ll lay there and cry because no one should hate themself the way I do, no one should be comforted by the thought of death. I am though, we are. That’s something no one knows about me, I’d probably be one of the last people anyone would pin the label suicidal to, I’m always smiling, laughing, and helping others. There is a reason why I haven’t followed through with my plans though, […]
So I’m 18, a senior in high school, and although most of the drama in my life revolves around my anxiety and eating disorders, family problems, or suicidal thoughts, for once I have a normal problem. Just typing those words felt fantastic. I have really strong morals, I’m honestly not sure why because it’s not something I learned from my parents, but I don’t know, I just do. I also have pretty high standards when it comes to guys, although I’ve had a few boyfriends I’ve always felt like dating in high school is pointless, it’s just setting you up for a broken heart. I […]
Today, I turned 18 years old.
On my 16th birthday, after crying myself to sleep, I vowed to never cry over my family again. Instead of focusing on all of the things that were destroying me, I focused on the diet I had started about 10 days prior. It took control of my entire life. By July I weighed less than 100 pounds, my bones stuck out, but I still wanted to be skinnier. I rarely ate, but when I did, I made sure to throw it up.
I started recovering last summer, June 2012. It went well for awhile, but once school started back […]
What do you do after you’ve promised to tell the truth? You’ve promised to not fall back into this. Then suddenly, you realize you can’t tell the truth. You can’t tell because it’s your secret. If you tell, they will try to help you and you don’t want help. You don’t want counseling. You don’t want people getting angry and not understanding. You don’t want people accusing you of trying to get attention. You don’t want people to question how completely insane you really are. All you want is for someone to hold you and tell you that you’re going to be okay. You’re going […]
I’m 17 years old and one of my sisters is 19. We are completely opposite and have both made choices which have determined our futures.
When she was 17 she was kicked out of our house. Prior to this she had done drugs, drank, partied, snuck out, gotten pregnant and lost the baby more than once, got arrested, stole, lied, cheated, and failed most of her classes. It was rough living with her, I always thought things would be better without her, but after she was no longer allowed in our family I missed her more than anything. Not who she was when she left, […]
I think we should all take a moment to think about how the choices we make affect everyone around us. When my sister chose to sneak out and do drugs, smoke cigarettes and get pregnant, she wasn’t thinking about the arguing that I had to deal with when she wasn’t around. I listened to my parents scream at each other nonstop over disagreements on how to discipline her. She didn’t realize what it was like for me to wake up to cops knocking on the door at 2 in the morning bringing her home. She never apologized for the panic attacks that occurred within me […]
Every 56 days, I donate blood to the American Red Cross. I’m 17 and I’ve done this ever since I was eligible, there’s something amazing about it, it’s the simplest thing, yet it saves up to 3 lives each time. At first it didn’t seem like much, but after donating 5 times I got a phone call thanking me for saving the lives of 15 people throughout my county. I can’t put into words the feeling I get knowing that as long as I stay alive, the more lives I can save. Last March I was going through a really rough time, the only thing […]
Do you ever feel like maybe your purpose in life is truly to kill yourself? I honestly feel that way all the time. I trust God with all my heart and I believe that I have a purpose, but I also have this underlying feeling that my destiny is suicide.
It’s kind of crazy, not that any of you know me, but if you did, I would be the last one you’d pick to write the above statement. A few people do know about my anxiety and eating disorders, but even they would never suspect suicide. There’s those people, dark and mysterious, that you know […]
Why is it that children are not educated on mental illness? As a 4th grader I remember promising myself I would never do drugs. It was nailed into our head that we would be pressured into things like drugs, alcohol, and sex. We were taught we were at risk of giving into peer pressure, we were always taught to say no, but why weren’t we also taught that the chances of having a mental illness is extremely high before we even get out of high school? Why didn’t someone explain that when everything seems so out of control, it’s not okay to starve, it’s not […]