Tomorrow morning Iâ€™m going to my first counseling appointment with a counselor of my choice who specializes in the areas I need help with most. Scared and anxious are words that donâ€™t even do the situation justice. Iâ€™m beyond terrified, but I will be strong and I will not resist help like Iâ€™ve always done in the past. I wish I had just one person standing by my side, telling me Iâ€™m making the right choice and I will be okay, but I donâ€™t. In the end we have ourselves and that has to be enough.
I have suicidal thoughts pretty much everyday that will not go away.
Each day college becomes a closer reality, my anxiety gets even more unbearable.
Iâ€™ve gone from weighing 127 to 121 just this week by restricting calories.
Iâ€™ve also thrown up more times in a week than I did in the entire first 16 years of my life.
Iâ€™ve cut myself because I wanted to control at least some of my pain.
Iâ€™ve kept it all a secret and Iâ€™ve taken special steps to cover it all up.
I need help. Whether I want it or not, I need it. Sitting in a room with a stranger telling them all of the above listed items sounds like Hell. Then again, continuing to live the way I have been, eating barely enough to stay alive and dreaming of death also sounds a lot like Hell. We all have the power to turn our lives around. Itâ€™s a hard concept, I struggle with it daily. I keep thinking I need to be skinnier and sicker before I get help, but why? My family doesnâ€™t support me receiving counseling, they donâ€™t acknowledge mental health in general. Just because they donâ€™t support me doesnâ€™t mean it canâ€™t be done. Iâ€™m the one living with these problems, I know they are real, and it doesnâ€™t make me weak for needing help.
I wish society knew what it was like to live wanting to die. Iâ€™m not crazy, a coward, illogical, weak, or stupid. Iâ€™m a fighter. Sometimes you have to do things you donâ€™t want to do, thatâ€™s why Iâ€™m going to counseling.
So yeah, Iâ€™m scared, but itâ€™s not going to stop me from recovering. I deserve to recover.