Last night was really scary. I’m 18, I’ve had suicidal thoughts off and on for over a year now, but lately they are pretty relentless. Yesterday I was having them all day, I’m not even sure why. I also just relapsed with my eating disorder. Every day I either restrict calories or eat and then make myself sick. I threw up twice yesterday. When it came time to go to bed I could not think about anything other than killing myself. I started to drift off and as I did I started picturing everyone who knows me going to my funeral and reacting to my death. All of a sudden I started sobbing which woke me up, I was shaking and crying so hard. I started scratching myself on my chest and legs for no reason at all. I was acting completely insane. I started choking because I was crying so hard and then I almost threw up for what would have been a third time that day. I laid back down, still upset, and prayed to God. I was still sobbing, begging him to help me. Eventually I must have fallen asleep, because that’s all I can remember.
I want to desire life, not death. I can’t control these thoughts though. I wouldn’t even be able to explain it to anyone who hasn’t experienced it themselves, how it feels to dream of suicide and not be able to control it. I’m supposed to be going to college in the fall, all my friends are so excited to be moving on in life, but I’m not like them.
I think it’s time I get help. I’ve always been extremely resistant to counseling, but maybe that’s what it’s time for. I can’t keep living like this, I just can’t. I don’t think it’s fair to my family and friends to kill myself without asking for help first. So I’m going to be strong, I’m going to face my fear of counseling, and I’m going to pray for support and success. I want to talk freely and openly about my feelings to the counselor once I build a little trust, but I don’t want there to be a threat of her having to tell my family. I don’t believe I will follow through with my suicidal thoughts, they are just thoughts that are plaguing my every day. Has anyone here ever opened up to a counselor about these thoughts? How did it go?
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12 comments
I haven’t because I’m afraid of being locked away somewhere.. could be just a fear of mine with no factual basis.. but I don’t know.. I’ve heard rumors and watched the news too much..
I feel you, I truly do. I’ve always been so resistant to counseling, and had the same thought; my family would feel so guilty if I did it without trying to get help at all.
Yes I have had that same thought, like if you admit you’re suicidal they have to send you to a hospital. I was told that they only send you to a hospital if you have a plan set and you are actually adamant that you will kill yourself. I’m praying that’s true, because if I am sent to a hospital I will reach true insanity.
CarefreeT, I often wonder what my family and friends would do. I act happy all the time, I’m always smiling and laughing. No one suspects I think of suicide, how would they take the news? The other day I got a letter in the mail from this lady who works at my high school, I helped her out a lot and always talked to her, the letter was talking about how special I made her year, how happy she was that she had met me, and how much she is looking forward to hearing about my future. What would people like her think if I died? It wouldn’t be fair at all. If I killed myself I would mess up so many other peoples’ lives. It would honestly be so selfish.
I am scared because of the fact I have tried to commit suicide. I wish I knew God was there 2 because if jesus stood beside me I wouldn’t reconize him. I am so deppresed I can’t see staighrt.
I understand wat ur saying because my uncle commitrd suicide and it hurt my mom but I don’t see any other way. Wat life am I sopposed to live when I can’t even serve God.
God loves and forgives everyone though, you are no exception. Maybe you can’t serve God now, but instead of committing suicide you could make that your goal. You could get help and prove to God and the rest of the world that you are stronger than any obstacle put in your way. My goal is to be able to say I survived and no longer want to kill myself. It is possible, for me, for any of us. There is help for you, stay strong <3 <> You’re in my prayers.
I haven’t opened up to counselor about my suicidal thoughts because I don’t want to be sent to a hospital. I should do that though but I don’t want to go through all that. As for god, s/he’s not a genie that you can ask for something and s/he will grant it like that. I guess it’s about making an effort to help yourself. I believe in a god but I don’t like him or her much and I pretty much give up. Help yourself a bit and if your not a blasphemous sack of shit like me, your most likely to see brighter times.
Hey,
You always will have support here no matter your choice.
Email me if you ever want someone. I’ve been through some things in my life and I understand partly what you’re going through.
My email is brl.cents@gmail.com
Im an agnostic but i believe that if there is a god he is likely an asshole, when i did believe i felt all god would ever do was shit on my face building me up so he could find ever more inventive ways to break me down. Long story short i decided that he either doesnt exist or doesnt give two shits about me now i know better to ever look to a god for help. I know this post might upset some christians here but I honestly dont like the idea of a god. And that whole bit on god works in mysterious ways is the most irritating excuse ive ever heard.
It’s easy to decide that something that only exists inside your mind, will forgive you.
Your ideas are yours, and if you make your ideas about “God,” then you can make your idea of “God” whatever you want or think it should be, including “knowing you can do it,” or “forgiving you.”
But there is no actual God, and so “it” cannot “know” anything.
It’s not that “God works in mysterious ways,” nor is it that “God allows bad things to happen.” It’s that “God” simply does not exist, and never did. You are the only one who can figure out what you are supposed to do, to help yourself. You are the only one who can help yourself. If you insist on being completely delusional and attributing everything to an imaginary being that exists only as an idea… you will certainly find and cause more problems, and you will have a very hard time knowing what to do… or even understanding what anyone worth listening to, will attempt to tell you.
I guess I know what you mean. I’ve actually hoped and prayed I’d gotten better but now more than ever I feel that urge to… die.
It’s not strictly contemplating dying, but fantasizing about the whole ordeal. I hope you never reach that stage, as it can become something that grows on you.
I think it’s great that you believe in God, Miss. However, I look around at all the happy people and see my miserable self in a puddle and think “maybe he’s gone on holiday” or something like that. I mean, I’ve always been very spiritual but lately I’ve called my faith into question.
I can say one thing though, he will look after you and my prayers are with you. Seek help if you wish, but be prepared to willingly accept help, as not everyone (myself included) actually likes being helped.
Take care.
Hey,
I’m going to pray for you right now. Jesus, you know her heart and what she longs to do with her life. You know all her desires and dreams. I speak to her spirit to rise up into every dream she’s called to live out on this earth. I speak to the creative wells inside of her spirit and command them to release the colors of the rainbow. I speak a renewing of her mind and thought patterns to align with the thoughts of hope and joy and love.
I ask the angels to begin to whisper their sweet words into your ears and that you only hear the truth about you and your life. I ask the angels to crowd around you and that you would feel protected and a sense of heavenly peace to fill your heart. I break off any heaviness, depression and apathy and speak a silencing of the evil voices telling you lies in Jesus name. You have a destiny and purpose.
Hope this helps