You know…I wasnt always the Ice Queen.
I was warm, feeling, maybe even happy. I lived in a world of summer days with happy animals. The grass was green and the skies were the bluest, filled with the whispiest cirrus clouds. I smiled genuinely at the public and poured love upon lovers.
…and now…I walk through gardens and leave a trail of broken concrete where healthy grass was. Flowers wither and turn black at my touch, consumed by frost. A never ending blizzard darkens the sky for a final time. Cute little bunnies turn into broken skeletons and mice turn into howling sharp fanged wolves. Predators […]
Just had a baby last week. My boyfriend stayed home for a few days to help with the recovery. Hes gone back to work on Monday and im here…while my baby is in the hospital because she was born 2 months early. Im home and it hurts to move. I…have such an urge to harm myself. I told my doctors a plethora of times that im suffering from depression and it falls on deaf ears every time. I keep doing the wrong things, saying the wrong things, and i just feel like a failure and a horrible mom. A horrible person.
Can you overdose on […]
I had an abortion. It was years ago. I must have just turned 18. THERE I said it. He was horrible. He..hated me and everything that I was. He was rich and I was poor. He was white and I’m..what I am. I couldn’t do it. He contacted me today to remind me of the anniversary. It tore me apart, the things he said about status, and wealth.
They’re so loud…the whispers of demons.
I can’t hear my own thoughts at times, and they think I’m just spacing out..going insane.
But when I cut, there’s just silence. It stops. As long as the pain is there, the demons stop. They hide in the corners of my mind, eyeless creatures, hypnotized by the taste of pain. But I can hear..I can hear my friends, my boyfriend, and I can put my mask back on and pretend to be happy again.
But when I’m sober, they’re so loud….the whispers of demons.
Does anyone want to talk?
…Does anyone want to listen?
I always trick myself into thinking that I’ll be fine alone…but that’s when the demons whisper most…
I’m still doing the best I can…but when I’m gone, how will they ever know I tried?
When you look around for help…and see no one.
She’s so alone in the dark…abhorring herself more and more as nights go by.
Falling…
Falling…
Ever so deep into despair. The rest of the world look on from the top of her hole and cast laughs and hate..and pity.
Just close your eyes and sleep, young one, for you’ve held on quite long enough
How do you get over it? How do you come to gripes with the fact that no one wants to be with you?…how do you attract people..or expect them to ignore your scars? How do you ask someone to be your shoulder to cry on?
Do others cry like you and I? Do they sigh when passed by passersby? Or when the cool kids give an awkward eye?
I’m 20. I wonder if its too late for me to learn how to make friends.
Hello *echo, echo*
Is there anyone out there?…Anybody
Doesn’t it amaze you? You know, the fact that you’re still here. The  weight of not only your world but the worlds of countless others pressing down on your lungs like you’re miles below water. You ignore the fact that you have to switch blades or whatever you use because they’ve grown dull. Find other places to cut because reopening wounds depresses you more than it’s supposed to be helping. You breathe knowing full well that the breath before was supposed to be the last breath. Why are you still here? What are you waiting on?
I was hoping you’d disappear. See, I’ve come to realize that though I hate my life, I abhor yours. You and all of your perfection, your pride, your happiness. You and your perfect family with your picket fence and house on the hill. So then, as I sat there at my window watching the rain pour into that very lonely night, I couldn’t help but wish you away. I awoke from peace, leaning against a cool window and pulling a blanket over my shoulder. You hadn’t crossed my mind…until the pregnancy test caught my gaze. Will I never be rid of you?
Thoughts of you bring me the deepest pain. I’ve written messages to you so many times that I’ve filled a little over half of a composition book, yet you haven’t seen one…because every time I think about telling you how I feel, I remember how happy you are without me and I cut my skin hoping to leak my soul…there’s only blood. You’re happy and that’s all that matters..so whatever, nevermind.
Your mouth cuts deeper than the sharpest blade…
so kiss my wrists and hope my heartbeat fades.
What’s one sunny day to endless rain?
A muffled cry for help…in vain.
That blood on your fists, I know is mine
But fake the love and i’ll be fine.
Hmm? I said ill be just fine.
Just lie to me most every time.
Has the heart no anchor? Has it no weight that any loss, lie or love can rip it right out of a chest? No, my heart is weak…as is yours which is why we wear ours stitched to our sleeves and allow our wrists to bleed.  Fear not the crimson flowing down my fingers for my heart is only broken. Rather, fear the day that dripping blood is no longer my burden to bear…or my pain to share…for when my heart’s last thump sounds, you will know that the underworld is mine for the taking and when they meet me, I will torment those who could […]
Little girl who swings and cries, would you give them one last try…. to win your heart?
The little boys and girls are cruel but you did not drown in the pool…so one last chance to win your heart?
Cuts and bruises, stolen shoes just when you had none else to lose. Careful now, those rocks are sharp but one last chance to win your heart?
Little girl with swoopy hair, black polish and a far off stare, youre as far as you can fall apart…now let the hate and bloodshed start.
Twisted vengeance hath your heart
Go ahead, girl. Cut your wrists.
Punch the walls and bloody your fists.
Give the cheater one last kiss and hope he never finds you.
Have you ever been as lonely as I? Have you ever been hurt and pretended not to care but cried? Have you wished that all the grass has died or prayed that all the wells run dry..that all the birds would cease to fly and that black would cover every eye? Why? Why wouldn’t rain fall down from every sky and poison come from every lie? Oh, my. Do you ever think as dark as I?
She wonders if anyone else could smell that. The rust and dirt on the brick path beneath her feet, the damp smell of the lake at the end of the trail. Could anyone else hear the soft patter of her cats paws following her as a baby from a distant home stirs and is about to wake. Finally, she veers off the path into the moonlit grassy area closest to the waters edge. An unknown creature moves in the water. She holds her left arm with her right as crimson lava exudes out of cuts drawn on her forearm. A breeze comes off of the […]
Tonight is the night. The night i feel the pain in my heart as my stomach turns. I cut my skin and the blood is slightly darker than normal. I look in the mirror and my eyes are coals, my hair is tar and the night is warm..stars twinkle “Do it”. Eyeing the scissors on my desk already bloody. What’s more blood? Transparent He appears to whisper how perfect tonight is…will I go through with it this time?
Drumroll please
I am 19. I used to get bullied and sexually abused when I was in elementary school. In middle school, there was no sexual abuse just bullying, but I met Him. We didn’t go to the same middle school, but he lived across the street from me. I was at his house every day when I got out of school. His brother, Him, and I. We were always alone as their uncle and aunt were always out working or partying. Soon, it was only he and I..together alway. We went to the same highschool and I was bullied no more. He had given me a […]
Sometimes, I do wonder. How could hell be a place much worse than here? At least there, I’d know why I’m there. I dont know why I’m here. I’ve always wanted to be the person..the one who helps out that kid..the kid that no one knows is going through something, or feeling llonely, or contemplating suicide…I realized tonight that no one feels this way but me. I AM that kid. Â The kid that silently feels like a screw up..the one who relies on men because they have no one else. The one who feels lonely and hides well enough that everyone thinks im fine. I […]
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