Over ten years and counting.. I have never felt this calm before. Like a world has dropped off my shoulders.
Everything is ready. I have my method, I have my location, I have my suicide note. I have my courage and the means to an end. Nothing holds me back or opposes me.
The serenity of it all is overwhelming. Finally this torture ends
Thanks for the stories and reading mine way back when.
Good bye
What does it take?
I did everything like i was supposed to. I got myself alone, away from others and made sure help just couldn’t arrive in time. But I couldn’t do it.
I stuffed the barrel of the shotgun into the back of my throat bit down on the barrel and pushed the trigger.I tried and nothing. A three year old could make that gun go off, why not me!? Few days later I stood on dam in a city far from my own. It was way past midnight, no one was around. I stood there. and couldn’t do it.Couldn’t take one damned step into the […]
It’s time.
I’ve spun around in circles, I’ve tried every known cantrip and trick known to man. I’ve talked with specialists and munched on pills for the better part of a year. The result? A big fat naught.
Nearly twenty years ago a snotty kid at the kindergarden screamed that he’d kill himself, when he got angry. He didn’t not at that time no. Years rolled the kid grew and experienced what can only be described as crippling fear all the way to his teenage years. By then everything had been molten into one gray sheet pulled over the window of life. Suicidal thoughts hung heavy in […]
Life. This never ending charade of lows marred by a few high points. Here I am once again and no, I do not feel good. I put up one heck of a fight but it wasn’t enough. Rather it was against the wrong opponent. I slaved away, hacked every piece of work to tiny shreds and earned my vacation. Achievement? Yeah probably but it did nothing to make me feel better. Quite the opposite, my slaving away left me in an all too common spot in life. All the friends i had graduated and because i dedicated everything to work. I turned invisible, uninteresting again. […]
Here I am, drifting like a log on the ocean waves. Destined to rot and sink.
Hello, people.
Once again I thought I’d give an update on how am I doing this’ll probably be my last update though, no I’m not taking my life. I’m trying to move on and I don’t think this site rally needs any more of my recovery updates. So how m I doing? Shortly I’m managing and even though I feel like a turd left in the rain at catimes. I’ve got a handle on my mentality again so my mind doesn’t run amock an get me killed. Things haven’t been resolved but I’m picking up on how to manage, surpress or deal with them. Overall, […]
Hello everyone, I’m back again. This time I couldn’t make it to the imagenary two week line, rather I crashed down hard yesterday after I came home from the University and needless to say the thoughts were back once more stronger than ever. I’m not willing to give up but I feel like a vent is in order and who knows maybe it’ll give you people a small crumb in getting forward.
So how did it start this time? I suppose the first surfacing of the emotion of not wanting to be on this planet, in these shoes or life came the last Saturday. I felt […]
Hey people. It’s been a little while again, hasn’t. Maybe two weeks maybe less. And here I am again. Not to worry, I gave my word on not giving up and fighting these grey days till the bitter end, andd I’m still doing it. I maybe flawed in many ways but that promise is something I don’t want to break. So why am I here then? Well I wanted to ask about a few things and give a little update on myself. Maybe it’ll make someone’s day better knowing I’m still kicking.
So over the past two weeks, a couple of things have happened. To […]
Its been some time since my last post, maybe a week maybe two. Time has been slipping past so fast I barely even notice it. It still is the same grey world but now there is something different about it. I gave myself a fighting chance. After I had posted I felt a small relief on myself my story was out somewhere and none judged it, instead they offered support and wishes for well being. Thats when I decided upon something.
I will make a stand for who I am and what I want. I refuse to beaten and pummeled by something that is not even […]
Before I throw it all on this table, let me begin by telling about myself maybe it’ll give you a bit of perspective.
I was born in the early 90s to mediocre town I northern finland. My ‘family’ consisted of me, a father, a mother and an older brother. Travelling back there in my head sickens me. My childhood, if you can call it that, consists of bitter memories of my father ripping my hair off even from a slightest, honest mistake, like filling the dishwasher in a wrong way, or hitting me so hard that my ears rang just because i’d gotten a bad […]
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