From dizzying heights to deepest ditch

Life. This never ending charade of lows marred by a few high points. Here I am once again and no, I do not feel good. I put up one heck of a fight but it wasn’t enough. Rather it was against the wrong opponent. I slaved away, hacked every piece of work to tiny shreds and earned my vacation. Achievement? Yeah probably but it did nothing to make me feel better. Quite the opposite, my slaving away left me in an all too common spot in life. All the friends i had graduated and because i dedicated everything to work. I turned invisible, uninteresting again. I’ve never felt this lonely before. Part of life served on a platter right there, my best years of life. The university gone in one cold, grey blink.

The experience left me bitter, i slaved for group works and got no return only loneliness. After that people abused my need for friends. I lost a handful of money in a poor state. What followed was a simple clean cut. No more new people in my life. Everyone in life seems to just abuse you if you give them half a chance to. I made my calls, good or bad I made them and here I am. Alone.

No work, no friends and no people near me. I must be mad to have purposefully searched a state like this. But then again. How can I make friends if all i expect in return is a knife in the back? Who knows.. Atleast I had time to think an that killed me. My spiral was pushed into action in part by my parents. It was accelerated by my own in ability to deal with life, have friends and deal withmissues be they mental or physical. Never the less my father is the last kind of person I wanted to be. Turns out. That is exactly what I am. Same frown. The same cold outlook on life. The same logic dominated mindscape. The same short temper. The same inability to deal with said temper. The same inability to grow as a person.

In my effort to change myself. I turned in the one thing I always said I wouldn’t be. Irony of life shared with a hammer smash to the hearth. I tried. I bloody well tried with all my might and this? This is how I ended up. So many wrong choices, so many wrong turns.

I’m tired. Enough with all of this. I give up. I give up my hopes. I give up my dreams. I give up my mind. I’ll continue to live, physically. Mentally I died a while ago. I don’t care anymore.

The eyes that look back at me from the mirror are no longer shining with life. They’re lifeless and grey. Much like my days in this world.

Wake me up when it is over.