So I vaguely posted about this before, but I have severe cutting scars on my arms. They are healing, but will always be visible and it is very obvious what they are from. Where I live this is not accepted so I have to hide them. I pay to keep my horses at these people’s farm, but it is becoming impossible to hide my scars from them. They are constantly questioning why I bandage my arm and I can’t wear long sleeves because it is over a hundred degrees out everyday and I’m outside all day so I would be way too hot. I think […]
I always come on here for a while then I get off, and when I come back no one really remembers who I am, but I’m back. I stopped posting for a long time because I attempted suicide and I think I was too ashamed of myself to share it with anyone. No one knows about it but me and I think that if I don’t share it it’s easier for me to pretend it didn’t happen. I took two months dose of Wellbutrin (an antidepressant), a month’s worth of Lexapro, and a few codeine ( I didn’t have access to more otherwise I would […]
I know I’m not exactly the most popular, the most interesting, the most insightful, or the most helpful. I know I don’t always post that often. I just wanted to thank everyone in the community for always being kind and considerate of me and thank those of you who read my posts, especially the ones that are so long they’re practically a novel. And thank everyone for their sharing themselves on this site and making me realize I’m not alone in this. I’m glad I have a place where I can share my feelings openly with people who can relate a little better than most. […]
Does anyone know? I didn’t think they were inappropriate and they weren’t mean or anything. It just kind of bums me out since I take time and put thought into my replies and they keep going straight to trash.
So it seems like every time things seem okay then they just go to shit. Today I was driving my car when the engine died, but the car was still going because the speed I was already traveling at. Since the engine died the brakes and power steering went out right before a curve in the road so I had to try and get the car around the curve. I did and I got it stopped. I wish I would have been going faster when it happened so I could have just let the car go and let it kill me.
My job has stopped giving […]
So if you follow my posts then you know that I have very severe self harm scars on my arm and that they are a great source of stress in my life. I’ve been working on covering them with makeup and even though they are still visible they don’t look quite so bad. I’ve been doing my best to heal them and help their appearance. It’s been almost a year since I last cut.
I’ve always been terrified of friends or boys I like seeing them. I decided tomorrow I’m going to go out without covered for the first time in a year.I will probably wear […]
So my work only scheduled me 9 hours next week. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m supposed to do, I can’t live on that, that’s not even 70$ worth of pay for me. And usually when they start doing this to people then they keep doing it every week. I have to find a different job probably and I’m so stressed because finding a job here is so hard, our states economy is in the shitter and there’s almost no jobs and no one hiring. Like how am I even supposed to survive? No idea what I’m going to do, it seems like […]
I board my horses with a horse rescue and I frequently help them out with their rescue horses and things like that.
They found a home for a horse that would have otherwise gone to slaughter, but horses in kill pens have to be kept in quarantine because there are my illnesses that get spread around in the kill pen that you don’t want spread to your other horses. This particular horse was pregnant. We went out to check on her and found that she had gone into labor a month early, but her baby was stuck and dead, with the legs and head sticking out […]
All of my life I had been abused by my parents and my parents were abusive to each other until my mom walked out on us for a year and then our parents just ignored us. In elementary school I had a lot of problems in class and I would sometime sit there and cry all day and have to kept in the office. Sometimes I would talk to the school counselor. One day in the 4th grade the counselor called me in and told me she would have me take an anonymous survey that a bunch of other kids were taking and told me not […]
I hate my cutting scars so much. I have really horrible ones of my wrist since I cut myself really deep, so deep that I cut really sick from blood loss and had to stay in bed for like two days and it keep re-opening even after a month. I don’t usually cut myself on my wrists, but I didn’t I was going to live long enough for it to matter. I also have many raised scars on my hips which are much easier to hide. Usually I cover the ones on my wrist with a bandage so that no one can see them and […]
So this weekend some friends invited me to go hang out and go to the club with them, but it just ended up making everyone pissed off at me. We were hanging out at my friend’s apartment and drinking getting ready to go out and waiting for another friend to get off work which that was all fine. We stopped at a pizza place to eat and by this point I was already really drunk. One of my friends invited this girl I really didn’t like, then she invited more people I didn’t like, because they’re just generally rude people. We were getting ready to […]
To be honest, I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why. Nothing particularly bad happened I’m just so unreasonably miserable.
Today, I’m so desperately wishing that the human body wasn’t built to survive, and that it wasn’t so difficult to die. I wish I knew how to use a gun, because if I did I’d shoot myself since I have access to a gun. I wish all the useless leftover antidepressants I had would kill me if I took them all. Maybe the lexapro would since I’m allergic.
I wish I knew one person who was kind to me, I wish I had friends. I wish […]
Hey everyone, so this is something that has caused me a lot of stress and fear lately. I’m terrified to go to the doctor because I have horrible scars on my arm and hips. Doctors look you over and if for any reason I’d need to roll up my sleeve or they’d see my hips, they’d see my scars. Do you think they’d send me to a mental hospital if the saw them? I’ve been refusing to go to the doctor and it’s very difficult for me to tell a doctor about my depression as I once had a doctor who I went to get […]
I don’t really know have much of a direction for this post in my head, no horrid incident or crazy profound thoughts, just stuff that runs through my head.
Do you ever wake up and you feel so empty? Not even like sad or upset over anything in particular. You just feel like nothing at all, you just feel so tried that you don’t even know how you’re standing. That’s how I’ve been waking up a lot lately.
I feel like everyone has something they’re good at, something they’re smart about or something they have a passion for. I don’t enjoy anything, I don’t have a talent […]
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window […]
So today I found out that my older sister always talks badly about me when I’m gone because I spend money on my horses and sometimes when I have extra money I buy myself something I like. She constantly complains about me living at home (I just turned 20 and she’s 25 and living at home) and says if I would stop spending my money on my horses and others things I could save to move out. First of all, most of my money goes to paying off the college I went to, which she had to do for dropping out and she’s only just […]
So I know warmer weather is coming soon and normally I’d be very excited because I love warm weather, but this year I’m dreading it because of my arm scars.
Last year I cut myself very badly on my wrist, I did it so badly that I get very sick from blood loss and I couldn’t get up without throwing up and my vision going blurry for a couple days. I know there is no reasonable excuse for them because they are very obviously self-inflicted so, I have been wrapping bandages around my arm and just telling people I hurt it.
I’m looking for excuses for why […]
My mom’s friend that she works with is actually closer to my age and it turns out she went through same thing with student loans that I have and she owed the school money too. She even dropped out of school for the same reason as me since she has depression too and she has scars on her arms too.
I owe the school over $4,000 since I dropped out plus student loans. It turns out that if I pay the collection agency 5% of that $4,000 they will turn it over back to the college and if I pay payments on it for 9 months […]
I thought I’d post what’s on my going on in the series of setbacks that is my life since I have no one else to talk to.
My car is having problems and it’s super old so I’d say it’s about done, and I don’t have the money to replace it. I had a nicer car before, but someone totaled it and openly admitted they knew the accident was their fault, they knew they were going to hit me and still hit me going 75 mph. His insurance had to cover that car, but the car title was in my dad’s name and my dad kept […]
I just wanted to know some things that keep everyone going or make you feel better when you’re down and things of that nature?
Mine is my two horses who I love very much and my 7 year old nephew. When I’m down I also think of once when my nephew was asking me and my sister (his mom) if he would die one day and so we told him yes, but he had a very long time before he would ever have to worry about that and then he asked me if I would die one and I told him yes and he started crying […]
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