i cant fucking do this anymore. i cant do this anymore. i cant escape suicide. if its not me its someone else. i cant handle this much of it. but i cant do nothing. i dont know what to do. i know im destroying myself by trying to help other people but if i dont do it, i know that no one else will because no one knows about it. if anything happens i just need to detach my emotions. ive done it my entire life so i think itll be fine even though i know it wont be fine. im okay right? its okay im ijmi mi. i cant totott i dont know what to do i dont know what to do. im supposed to be the smart one. what happens when the smart one doesnt know what to do. i know im not smart. people just call me smart so that they move the responsibility onto me. helping other people is the only thing that makes me want to live but its also bringing me closer to death. i shouldnt have left my class. but oh well, whatre they gonna do? kill me? haha. sorry if if fifi if anyone. im sorry i didnt mean to let you die. that sounds bdadbadbad bad bad im i dontkn ow. its this doctor shes too smart i know. she knows what i know before i know it.she knows what you know too. or doeds she. maybe not. naybe you arent really dead and im just dreaming. im just dreaming. i want to wake up. and be somewherer else. or do i. i cant tell.
does anyone else feel like whenever they go to all of these different doctors you’re just listening to people speak and literally nothing changes after you leave. Am I not listening hard enough? I try to actually listen the entire time. Am I just not listening hard enough or something?
I got new blades. These are razor blades. Before, the blades I used were just ripped from pencil sharpeners and they were pretty good at first, but got dull fast. I wanted more. I was having a sort of decent day, until I decided to go out and get these blades. I dont know why I did it. why did i do it. I put it to my skin, and I could immediately tell how sharp it was. I could see a small small drop of blood come out my skin just from touching it against my arm. im scared. fuck
Im scared but also excited to find sharper things to cut with. why am I scared? Maybe because im unsure of what damage sharper things will do. I wish i could stop thinking about it. but at the same time I dont want to stop doing it. although its not as bad as other people i guess.
Being extremely self critical about everything you experience and do really fucking sucks. Its hard to even recognize it as being critical of yourself most of the time, it just feels like the truth.
You guys ever have good days?
Does anyone have any advice or tips for hiding cuts. I really dont want anyone to see them and get any more worried. All I do now is wear long sleeved shirts. I shaved my wrists and its pretty obvious so sometimes people pull it down to see how much i shaved i guess? or whatever other reason they have. Maybe there is no advice for this and Im just awaiting the inevitable. this sucks. hope whoever reads this is doing ok.
if leaving all of your friends is wrong, then why does it feel right. its less stressful this way. it almost feels better.
I think im going to fail calculus, and maybe english too. Although, its kind of hard to do anything about that when you want to kill yourself everyday. And everyday I just do worse and worse in those classes. I do not want anything from this life. I was thinking of telling a random under trained guidance counselor that I wanted to kill myself to see what they would do. Maybe its a good idea, not because they’ll help me, but because they’ll do something about school. Senior year kind of sucks. I hope that whoever, if anyone, reading this is feeling ok. I wonder if anyone will ever see this. Theres more to it than just school, if you were wondering.