No, you don’t remember :'(
All that I did wrong, willingly and unwillingly, it’s destroying me. Why was I not a better person? Why didn’t I know better? Why couldn’t I have done better? I wish I could make up for my mistakes somehow, but it’s already too late. I want to feel pain because I deserve it. I hate myself.
because 9/10 times that she drank she got horrible anxiety attacks and me being drunk as well would have made that a disaster. She told me she wanted to see me be really drunk, but even without her drinking anything that felt too risky to me. Makes me kind of sad that we never had that together.
I couldn’t really depend on her to take responsibility for both of us, and to look out for me when I can’t look out for myself. And now that’s what I most wish I had; that I could let myself fall and entirely depend on someone else knowing that […]
He just wants to help me. And I just want to be saved. I don’t have control over my life anymore. I’d take anyone else’s help, but no one cares enough to bother. My poor family, I hate myself for even considering to hurt them. And my counsellor, I promised her I’d strart a therapy. I’m such a waste. There’s no escape, nothing I try helps. I wish I had the guts, I wish I didn’t care about all of them. Death wouldn’t abandon me, wouldn’t reject me. He’s a friend that wants to help, always there when no one else is. I was lying […]
Well actually, I’d first buy a ticket to the US for tomorrow, rent a car, drive to her place, hug her and smell her hair one last time. But then I’d press the button.
But then the same people that say that fuck you over once your vulnerable and out of your comfort zone. People are so judgemental. I don’t even know why I am going outside now, trying to be proactive, trying to meet people, when the very reason that I stopped doing that/ never really started is that they are (almost) all full of shit, treat me like scum for being different and judge me for having problems that I am struggling to deal with.
They say I should try to be myself more, but why? Now that I am, people start shitting on me again. It was […]
I’m more over her than I have been before, but for some reason I keep dreaming that we’re still together, or together again. I mean, I barely think about her anymore when I’m awake, but I also never used to dream about her this much. This makes no sense.
I want to know what it feels like to cut, but damn I couldn’t live with the scars, especially now during summer. I can’t hide them here or around my family, and they’d likely stay fo the rest of my life. I hope I won’t give in to the temptation.
The thought and imagination of killing myself used to be enough to get me to calm down in most situations where I had anxiety attacks, but it’s not helping anymore. A couple of weeks ago I put a belt around my neck to see what it feels like, and it felt good. I don’t want to die, I want to live and be happy, but I can’t. This week I put a bag over my head and kept it there until it was getting really hard to breath. Yesterday I laid in my bed for an hour pressing a knife against my throat and listening to […]
Always looking for distractions, it makes my life so empty. I am wasting it away, because that’s the only way I can survive right now. If I start thinking too much, I’ll get anxious, I’ll start remembering. I mustn’t remember.
lost her husband over 10 years ago, and she is freaking alive. How does she do it? She’s known him her entire life, has gone through basically anything you can imagine with him, and she knows for a fact that she will have nothing like that again for as long as she still lives. Yet here I am after a 2 year relationship, still in my 20s, possibly still have a chance at finding my soulmate, and nevertheless feel like my life should be over.
I feel so freaking ungrateful. But damn it, I also can’t stop feeling all this pain and despair.
The thought that I am so utterly alone feels impossible to endure for an entire lifetime. I talk to people sometimes, family or a distant friend, I cha.t with people online, but all of it feels so shallow and superficial. I want a real connection, but no matter where I look, I can’t find it. People seem so uninteresting. Maybe I am expecting too much, but last time I ignored who I am and what needs I have, it didn’t end well.
There’s so many people out there. It’s sad really, but with the vast majority I couldn’t form meaningful connections. And the rest are probably like me, and spend most of their time isolated. Why do I act surprised that I have never found someone when I hide away from them as much as they hide away from me?
Someone that I happily fall in love with at first sight, or a friend that really understands the struggle and who I could tell every last detail of what’s on my mind. Someone who figures me out and likes what they see. They’re out there somewhere, thinking the […]
We were both in this hotel kind of room, which was mostly made of wood and stone like it was a rustic cabin at a lake somewhere, a little like this, although it had no windows and there was no sunshine, just lights kind of like a fireplace. It was a beautiful setting, and felt kind of comforting.
I don’t remember how it started exactly, but she was talking to me, and then she started getting tears in her eyes and apologizing for everything that had happened, not in a childish “I want you back”-way, but feeling genuine pain for what she had done and […]
Not just as a girlfriend – that already happened a while ago – but as a person. I don’t know who she is anymore. The girl I fell in love with, she’s dead and long gone. It’s like some evil spirit took over her body and now uses it to taunt me. As if my heart wasn’t broken enough.
Nothing makes sense anymore. What am I even doing here, living this meaningless life. Not one of the things I do during my days is something that makes me happy, it’s all merely so that I can hold on to this pretense of normality. I want to give up and stop caring, I want to let myself fall, want to surrender everything that is me. I want to forget who I am, want to forget what is expected of me. Just go blank. Nothingness, it seems so appealing.
She doesn’t know that I am doing this badly again, and I think she has grown to get a little attached to me, so it’d probably not be the nicest thing for her to find out. I don’t want to disappoint her either. She’s a uni psychologist, and students only get a fixed number of appointments total, and I have like 1 or 2 left, so I don’t want her to think that I am using this to pressure her into giving me more appointments or hooking me up with one of her colleagues, even though that is exactly what I need.
I don’t know how […]
And I’m only 24. I have experienced what ultimate bliss and joy mean, but I don’t see how from here on out anything could realistically rival that. It was already extreme coincidence that brought me there, so I cannot really bet on it happening again.
I wonder where I’d be today if I had never met my ex. Maybe I’d be off better because I wouldn’t know what it’s like. Though then I’d just be spending the next 60 years of my life in expectation of something that would almost certainly never end up happening. With how things have been then, I’ve had my small share […]
When my ex had breakdowns, she could let herself be admitted to a mental hospital and just stay there for weeks at a time. Not only was she away from her family who she hated, but she even liked the place, the staff and other patients she met there, the activities they did, and being able to let go of everything. She didn’t have a job or any other kind of responsibility in her life other than trying to stay alive, so the hospitalization didn’t interfere with anything.
I don’t think she ever realized how much of a luxury that was. I wish I was able […]
I can’t really open up to normies, not only because they wouldn’t understand, but also because they would likely judge me and what I am going through. With other people that are familiar with and have themselves experienced depression, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and extreme desperation though, it feels like I already know a part of them even if I have never met them before. It’s a relieving experience talking to someone in person that knows what it’s like, reassuring each other, knowing that one isn’t alone in this world with what one is going through.
Does anyone feel the same way? Do you have connections to […]
I am very much scared of what will happen to me in the future, but it wasn’t always like that. When we were still together I had the strong belief that everything was somehow going to turn out fine, at least as long as I was with her. I don’t know why exactly that was. Part of it probably had to do with the fact that she was all I wanted, anything else felt optional. Another part was that I couldn’t allow myself to be weak and question myself and us every step along the way, because if I had started feeling depressed and suicidal […]