cyanidesofmarch

I have felt like this twice before. Once was when I was homeless, trying to sleep under a bridge in the rain. The other time was when She was in the hospital dying and I was sitting in that cold, white, sterile waiting room, drinking tasteless water out of those tiny paper cups because there was nothing else to do but lose my mind.

In each case I felt a coldness that had nothing to do with temperature. It was as if my soul had detached from my body and, without the superficial covering of flesh, it felt how exposed and fragile it is in the […]

Humans have no natural predators. We have conquered many forms of disease and continue to do so. Our life expectancy is increasing. And so are our numbers. More humans living longer lives.

Really, we’ve gotten to the point where the reduction of humans must be “voluntary” because certainly nothing else can kill us. Ideally our species would have enough restraint to limit its breeding, but that’s not working. So the only other ways of self-imposing our reduction of numbers are murder and suicide.

With that in mind, do you suppose we here at SP might be at the cutting edge of evolution? The decision to voluntarily end […]

When you run out of distractions… money, friends, work, survival… What reason is there to live? I have 2 modes: busy and suicidal. There is nothing in between. Based on that, I can say whenever I’m not busy I’m suicidal. Or whenever I’m not engaged in some distraction that keeps me from thinking, I realize (remember) that there is no real point in being alive. I suppose life itself is the grand distraction, making us forget the reality of emptiness that awaits us all.

Strangers were nice to me today. The guy at the store gave me parts and fixed my computer for free. The man in the parking lot complimented my dog. The lady at the other store let me exchange stuff no hassle even though I didn’t have a receipt. I was nice right back. I helped 2 kids broken down at a gas station.

Strangers lulled me into a false sense of security that I can actually exist among them. That I am accepted. That I have a place in the cosmos.

And then I re-entered my world, the un-strange world, full of people who know me. Instantly […]

Imagine you’re playing a game of baseball. Every time you get a hit, the umpire punches you in the face and tells you you’re out. Then he humiliates you in front of the crowd, and they all throw eggs at you. The umpire says “those are the rules.” You tell him those are shitty rules, and then he steals your money and kicks your dog. And he says “that’s the rule for people who complain about the rules.” The crowd keeps throwing eggs.

Anyone with an ounce of self respect would quit the game and walk off the field, right? So why the fuck am I […]

If you accept that life on earth is supposed to evolve into something stronger, then it follows that the weak, the useless and the self-destructive elements should die off.

Self-preservation is probably the most important ingredient for a Darwinian success story. I think it’s fair to say we all suck in that department.

With earth’s human population spreading like a virus (what is it now, 7 billion and doubling every 35 years?), evolution needs to kill off as many as possible. Fine with me. I’ll be doing my part to improve the rest of the planet by dying and not having any offspring.

Here’s the world population clock:

is not because I can’t cope with the physical or emotional pain. It’s not because I can’t solve my problems. It’s not even because I can’t find a reason to live.

The real reason I’m killing myself it because it’s easier to die.

Maybe that describes a lot of us. Just like it’s easier for a shipwrecked sailor to drown instead of swimming 5 miles to shore, just like it’s easier for a robbery victim to close his eyes and get shot instead of disarming the gunman, just like it’s easier for a failed businessman to jump out a window instead of earning back all the money […]

There were flashing lights and ambulances all over, and everyone’s first assumption was that the older man living there had expired. But then everyone saw him and his wife emerge from the house. Then the stretcher with a body completely covered. It was pretty easy to guess by the small size of the body, it was the young boy (their grandson I think).

Facts and rumors came out that he had been struggling with depression for a long time, and he had recently switched meds. Suicide, yes, but everyone immediately blamed it on the meds. Like they wouldn’t admit that maybe the kid just reached the […]

I suppose there’s something comforting about cold, rainy days. Watching people with contorted, miserable expressions running from place to place, knowing that the birds, animals and insects are hiding from the brutality of life, it makes me feel like we’re all in this fight together.

But on sunny, “perfect” days like today, the birds and insects are playing, people are smiling, the world is in order… all except for me. I’m the same as ever, struggling with each second, each breath, each thought. When the sunlight washes away our ugliness, I’m the one who’s left exposed, as miserable and ugly as ever. I have never belonged […]

Maybe this is just a trial run. It would take about 900 sleeping pills to kill me, according to my calculations and information on the web. I’ve taken only 40 so there ‘s clearly no danger of dying. What I’m hoping for is a deep sleep like death, and maybe I’ll learn if I want to go all the way or if it’s something that frightens me.

I did this a few years ago and found myself struggling for life, hating the feeling of losing control. But a few years of crap piled on me has changed things. This time the creeping unconsciousness feels welcoming. I […]

My last little plan didnt quite work out. But it never does, does it?

Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to an interview. It’s not the interview that’s stressing me out, it’s the drive. There is a 30% chance I’ll crash my car into a southbound concrete overpass on my way there. There is a 50% chance I’ll crash my car into a northbound concrete overpass on the way back. For this reason, I asked my only friend for a ride, but she said she has plans to hang out with her other friend all day. I wish I could reveal everything, but that has never helped […]

Pills, blades and an 8th floor window. After a few decades of life, a few hundred thousand hours of work, learning, hoping, dreaming, fighting for what (I thought) is right, saving for the future, loved ones, loves lost, and everything else that makes up a life, it turns out that all I ever needed are these three things. First the pills to numb the pain, then the knives to do the deed, and last the window for dramatic effect.

I can’t believe I wasted so much effort on this meaningless world. The only worthy thing I did was to take care of her. But she died. […]