I look up at the sky and I think, ‘I want to go home. Please, God, let me die today.’ I remember being about 8 years old and lying in bed at night and crying, pleading for the same thing.
I’ve never wanted to be here. I really want to go home now, more than ever.
The question remains: Can I?
I post here – talk, I guess you could say – about it because it’s not safe to say out loud. Not if you’re uncertain. Not if you don’t want to be stopped.
It’s worse now. And I love it – how people that you go to for help end up making it worse. How they realize that they’re in over their head and then – ha – they dump you. They can’t handle it and they give you three references – via email and on a Sunday -Â and tell you good luck.
No one knows. No one can. This is what suicide feels like. The before. […]
Gone are the days when therapists believe in their patients. In their ability to survive – although often times as they struggle in the deepest darkest places inside themself. They know that we are cutters, have eating disorders, self medicate, and many other things but they forget that we are SURVIVORS. Our coping methods may not be the norm, but our lives aren’t either. It’s what we do to save ourselves.
Gone are the days when therapists remember that we are not ourself when we enter their office. We are wounded and afraid. We are depressed and angry. We have been living with these pains long […]
I am smiling. It’s probably some sick smile because I don’t think it’s an appropriate reaction to what happened.
So, anyway, the therapist I’ve been working with for about 3 months – sometimes twice a week for 2 hours at a time doing EMDR – sent me an email to shit-can me today.
Seriously.
That’s right, folks. Go for help and get shit-canned. TRUST NO ONE.
I laugh. Did she really think that drugging up past trauma wasn’t going to generate some sort of dissociation? Depression? Suicidal thoughts? She is a TRAUMA RESOLUTION SPECIALIST but she can’t work with dissociative states? FTW? FTW?
And, she emails to inform me of this […]
Sometimes I’ll see someone post here and hardly type but a few words. I’ve wondered why. This morning, I think I get it…
Sometimes there are too many words to describe the pain they feel. Too much in their head to convey in words. Maybe they do say a lot but it’s inside them as they type but a few words. Or, maybe those few words carry a heaviness that we don’t realize.
So, when I type:
I feel so sad.
I hope you know it means more than you know.
I just wonder if anyone else does this? (I feel stupid asking because I’m betting most all of us do so, sorry.)
There are people that I think about – in my head – and it’s like I’m with them and telling them goodbye. I know if I really did it they would try and stop me so, I guess it’s like telling them without them reacting. Like, I just want to say it and convey all the pain without being judged. Most times it makes me cry, too.
Then, I also notice that there are people that I think of and don’t even want to imagine […]
So, I went to the bank yesterday. It was kinda funny.
First, I asked the girl at the door about setting up a Transfer on Death for my checking account. She called it Payable on Death but whatever. Then she says sure, she can do that for me. I say, that’s great and tell her I’m going to pay off my credit card bill first and will be right back. Then I walk over to the teller and make my payment (EDIT: to the bank I am at and on the card from that bank with a check from my account at that bank).
So, when I […]
So, the morning didn’t go too well but that’s a given these days so blah, blah. I went outside to mow the lawn. Christ, is was hot. I checked my mail first – the box was crammed full – I have no idea when I checked it last. So, I finally get to the backyard with my mowing and I am so dehydrated because, well, I think I’ve been forgetting to eat / drink and I think, ‘God, I could die. Yeah, oh, freaking please let me keel over from heatstroke’. No such luck but I did decide to get a Medical Alert Bracelet […]
I can’t sleep. Nightmares. And, I am so freaking dizzy right now. Sometimes I feel funny – like floaty. Suck it up, girl. Geeez.
Today is the day I’ll be seeing someone I haven’t seen in months – a bright spot in my day. Then, off to the bank to put my BFFs name on my account. I want her to have control so that she can take care of my dogs. I’ve left everything to her but I’ve read that you should still put things like that in people’s names so that the vultures you don’t want to have anything (even if you have a […]
Every day, when I wake up, panic surges though me. Hurry, I think. Don’t let yourself become totally awake. Hurry! Go back to sleep.
I used to think that a little extra sleep would help. And, I guess it used to. It doesn’t anymore. Less and less do I want to awaken.
I smile at these little things that no one knows about.
I smile in sorrow.
You would have known this brings me me tears….
The noose got a little tighter today. A little smaller. And, the calm has gotten a little more, well, calmer. I haven’t smoked in five years. Wow. Newport. Ramblings of a desperate person. I will see someone I love dearly on Wednesday. I have said goodbye to others – explained to them how hard I have tried and how tired I am. I think they understand. It feels good and I smile. I love them all, so very, very much. I forgive those who don’t understand. I smile. A week and we shall see. Thanks for reading. And, thanks to those who pray, in vain, […]
I don’t know about other people but I think a lot go through that phase where we really want to talk about death. About suicide. And, like a lot of them we find that most people will flip out. I had one very close friend yell at me and try and make me feel guilty. My therapist – to cover her ass – called the police. As if they could do anything. As if I would admit to them my plans. And, when I tried to call mytherapist about it – because she was so Goddamned concerned – she wouldn’t take my call.
So, now I […]
I just finished the rope rigging. Just about have the house straightened up. I’m tired. If I can fall asleep as I hang, I think it will work.
I smile.
I think it’s about time. There are people I love and were talking to – I wanted to talk to – but not anymore. I have nothing more to say.
My therapist called the police on me today. Rather than talk with me about whatever the fuck she thought they would do she just sends them over. I was shaking. Did she think I would tell them? Did she think they could do something? What? Nothing unless I would have said I was going to kill myself. They asked if I just wanted attention. That sounded good so, yeah, sure. If it would get […]
You make your life so others can break your life so you will take your life.
I think the thing I realize most about getting closer to killing myself is the isolation. I struggle with feeling like no one cares – or notices – when I talk about it. So, as I get closer I stop talking. No one seems to care – or notice – that either.
The reality of suicide is that you’re alone in it. You will go alone and you have to be able accept that. Whether others care or notice doesn’t matter. No one can or will save you. Until you accept that, you’ll stay. When you accept that, you won’t try, you’ll do. It’s simple, I […]
 this is pretty much what I would say…
Dear Someone:
First of all, I don’t think I can explain why I’ve done this so if you’re hoping to get that from this letter, just know I will probably disappoint you. Second, also know that I have always detested suicide letters. I think it’s a load because I know nothing I say is going to matter. The only reason I can think of for doing this is so that people can’t ***** that “She didn’t even leave a note†– blah. As if it will make a difference. People will draw their own conclusions and forensic psychologists and […]
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