bohomermaid

I knew having my friends come home from school for winter break was going to be the thing that broke me. I got so used to having them home; to having them only be ten minutes down the road as opposed to hours. I got so used to the company, and I no longer felt alone. My best friend has only been gone five days but it feels like forever. I just feel so alone. I’m starting to get urges to cut again, which sucks because I’ve been clean for a little over a month now. I just wish I had my friends here….

How can it be possible to want to die and end everything one day, and then wake up feeling like a new person the next?  I think this is why I’m so fucked up. I can go weeks with feeling depressed and cutting and hating everything and everyone around me. But then out of no where, I wake up and everything is fine. I feel like my normal self again, and I actually feel kinda happy. But where does this come from? Why does this happen? Maybe someone here knows…?? I would really like to try and understand what exactly is wrong with me. I […]

Why don’t I ever get loved in return? Why aren’t I called someone’s soul mate? Why do I love so deeply with everyone and get loved by no one? Don’t you see I need love too? Maybe everyone will love me when I’m no longer here…

One more week until I’m 18 and then maybe all this shit will get better. Over the weekend my friend and I got really messed up and she forced me to show her my razors and then threw them out. She was too messed up to remember that she did that, and the next day I went digging through the trash to find them. I found 2 old ones that I no longer use but not the one I had been using recently. I figured she had probably taken that one with her or something, so I gave up and took it as a sign […]

How is crazy defined. Crazy comes on so many levels; good and bad. I’m a bad crazy. I didn’t realize it until just now. It may be the swirling darkness in my brain that has finally led me to this conclusion or it could be the excessive amount of dextromethorphan in my body. As I look back on my life I see that I have always been different. I was never the kid who wanted to go out and play. I was the kid who wanted to stay inside and sit in a corner and read a book.  This carries on into my adulthood, where I […]

The depressing and suicidal thoughts are getting worse day by day. This time I didn’t even wait for my cuts to heal before I was tearing into my skin again. I’ve come to love the sting and burn of my cuts, and to a point it terrifies me. I know my one friend who I’ve been going through things with for the past few years attempted suicide again last night. Something in me feels like within her next couple of tries she will succeed…and I’ll follow right after. I don’t want to imagine a world without her. I can’t. I know it sounds pathetic and […]

I relapsed last night and this time cut on my wrists instead of my thighs like normal; honestly I don’t know why I moved spots. I’m so self conscious today though. Constantly pulling at my sleeves and bracelets to make sure no one can see my cuts, especially my family. I just hold in so much anger and sadness until I feel like I’m suffocating under it all, and my only release is when I cut. Needless to say I’m very disappointed in myself.

I just have an overwhelming urge to cut….and it devastates me.

Just like every year around the same time I feel myself getting worse and worse and falling deeper and deeper into depression. I’m honestly worried for my well being right now. I’ve made it so long without seeing my friends and I only have to wait a couple more weeks until some of them are back for Thanksgiving break…that thought in mind is the only thing keeping me from breaking down. I’ve had too much time alone and too much time to think.

I didn’t think it was possible to feel any lower than I did. I literally feel like I’m drowning with all this stress and unhappiness in my life. I’ve been having a lot of body image problems lately…and everyday I look at myself in the mirror and cry. I’m at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been in my life. All of my clothes don’t fit right anymore and I’m just not comfortable in my own skin anymore. I’ve seriously been considering starting diet pills or something to help get the weight off fast. I can’t stand to look at myself…and it’s so sad to know […]

I’m in a place where if I didn’t live to see another day……..I wouldn’t really care.

This past weekend I was able to get away and see some old friends of mine; and what a breath of fresh air it was. For the first time in a long time I was happy and enjoyed myself and didn’t think once about cutting. I was worried about seeing my friends with noticeable cuts but when they saw it they didn’t freak out. They hugged me and told me to call them and talk to them when I was sad, and to try and hold on for when they come home. It was really nice to have some confirmation that my real friends cared […]

over the past month things have gotten worse. i’m still self harming (even more so than before) and now i’m not eating. i’m just so sad all the time and i can’t help it. i need someone here with me, to hold my hand and tell me everything is okay. i feel so desperate for a way out.

With all of this stress at school and no one to talk to…I don’t know how much more I can take. It feels like I’m literally watching everyone I love turn their backs on me and continue on with their lives. I miss my friends and I miss having companions. I’ve been at college for almost 3 weeks and I still have no friends. I’m just really sad and need a hug.

After my really depressing night last night, I got a call today from the manager of the local CVS asking me to come in for a job interview! I’m so excited and nervous, and when I found out I couldn’t wait to tell my dad because he’s really been riding me to get a job. So I go downstairs all happy and I tell him the news, and his response was, “That’s great, but you still haven’t done the dishes.” …………….

Fucking seriously? I guess it just goes to show that no matter what I do I’ll never be good enough for him. That’s fine. I’m […]

I haven’t cut for two months. My scars were finally starting to heal. I’m in such a weak place right now, and no one understands. I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. Everyone is leaving me and I feel so alone. I can’t keep my thoughts straight and I’m home alone which terrifies me. It feels like I’m crying out for help in a crowded  room and no one even bothers to stop and look.

So it’s been a couple months since I posted, and I kinda left on bad terms. I didn’t think I needed this site but I apparently do. After I left I tried writing in a journal just to get some thoughts out which was found by a family member of mine and a lot of shit went down. Which is why my username has changed as well because I needed a new identity. Lately, things have been so up and down. I go through periods of time where I’m so happy and then other times when I feel like I’m suffocating and just break down and […]