elliecats

Tonight at work I called the police for a wellness check on one of our customers. It was clear she was really, really fucked up on drugs and I was genuinely concerned for her wellbeing. She was so fucked up I couldn’t tell what she was on or if she had overdosed or what. All I wanted is to help.

Police came and arrested her for an outstanding warrant and I felt and still feel terrible. Had I not called them, she would not be arrested. I live by one rule only: harm none, and I violated that tonight even if it was not […]

I want to fucking die. I want to fucking die now. I am in so much pain. Drank a half bottle of booze, sat in a running car in my garage and FUCK THESE NEW CARS, the piece of fucking shit did not give off enough C02 to kill me. God fucking damn it, I just want to fucking die.

I often ask why the ***** that hatched me didn’t abort me. I should have been an abortion.

I should never have been born. This world is not made for the sensitive, those who feel so deeply. I am only speaking for myself here, but I don’t think people like me should be here. We serve no purpose. Our sensitivity helps no one. All we fucking do is feel the pain of others and then our souls bleed. I want the bleeding to stop. But, it will not. Nothing I am – my sensitivity – matters to no one and profits no one. I want a […]

My father is 81 and wants to die. My mom died 5 years ago and he is still fucked up over it, as am I. He wants to die and although he is not doing anything active to try to kill himself, he will not do what should be done in order to live a good life. His lack of action and choices WILL lead to his death.

I’m not asking what I can do legally, as the answer is nothing since he is not making an active attempt. But what I am asking is what do I do for me? How do I deal with […]

I have never understood why suicide is a bad thing. There are times – so many times – that is makes sense. My mom died from ALS and believe me, she would have been better off ending her life. Not that I wanted her to die. God, I miss her so much. No one should have to live a life they do not want. This is my opinion. Of course I am not suggesting others should feel this way, but I do. And I want to die. It’s not just a matter of not wanting to live. I genuinely want to die.

Suicide makes sense now […]

I bought a few helium tanks today but later read that the fuckers are no longer 100% helium and will not work. Pisses me the fuck off. I called around town and can’t seem to secure one. God fucking damn it! I even bought the fucking air tubing. FUCK!!!!

I think I have another method lined up. I am at peace with this. I hate bring alive. I hate myself and who I am. I want to die, like now already.

I was abused in a cult and (trigger warning! – scroll down)
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I tortured by these […]

I ask the creator every night – please just let me die. I’m old and therefore useless, and no matter how hard I try, I will never be good enough. Why do I keep waking up? Why won’t the creator just let me die? I am ready to go. I don’t want to be here any more. I am just done. I’ve thought about this for years and I just can’t find one single reason to live. Not one. I just don’t see the point.

The only hell that exists is the hell here on earth.

I have never, ever liked the holidays, ever. But this is the first year without my mom, who died last year. Thanksgiving blindsided me, I did not see how much it would kill me to be without her. I just wanted to die because the pain was so incredibly unbearable. There is no vocabulary, no words, just nothing in the fucking world I can say or do. I miss her so fucking much. I don’t believe in an afterworld (no disrespect intended to those who do) so I know I will never, ever see her again – ever – and I just can’t go on. […]

I have never known who my biological father is and I am missing an entire half of my history. My biological mother will not admit I exist, so she sure won’t tell me. It’s been the most important thing I have ever wanted to know: who the hell I am and where the hell I came from?! Who the hell am I? I have tested on all of the DNA sites and there are no matches close enough to determine my father. At this point, I have run out of options and I just have no way to find out who this man was.

I will […]

I am in a low, angry, sad place today, and I would really appreciate someone listening. I also need to rant.

I have made some very poor choices over the years, mainly in the department of friendship. (By the way, I’m referring to friends local to me in Columbus, not you folks.) I have one friend in particular who I have stood by for 20 years no matter what. I was in the room with her when her mother died. I came to her bedbug infested home to help her with her taxes because she could not do them. I have spent hours on the phone […]

I’m a survivor of sexual and ritual abuse and would like to share something that helped me. There’s a 12 step support group called Survivors of Incest Anonymous that literally saved my life. They are a self-help group of women and men (some groups are women only or men only) who are 18 years or older who have been sexually abused in some manner. They define incest broadly and you do not have to have actual memories to go to a meeting. It does not matter who abused you, how many times, or how “severe” it was, since all abuse damages.

Meetings are group led, meaning […]