Author

emptyalways

17. Arkansas. Hating myself more and more each day. My best friend left this world, 6/17/14.

Gone

by emptyalways 9/3/2014

written by emptyalways

“Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time, here comes the start of every sleepless night, the first of every tear I’m gonna cry…”

Two months ago you were here.. and two months ago you died. Out of nowhere, and my heart has never felt so much pain. I keep trying to understand and I just don’t.. & I hate that I don’t.. This pain is unbearable. You were my best friend, my very best friend who knew every little thing about me and now you’re gone. We shared a connection no one understood and we loved each other so much. I can’t believe it would’ve […]

9/3/2014 1 comment

17 years of lies..

by emptyalways 5/8/2014

written by emptyalways

It’s crazy to think that for 17 years the man I call daddy isn’t even my biological father. You both claim you weren’t trying to hide it or lie to me but honestly I could care less what you say. You did lie. You hid it from me. You hid him from me. The man I call daddy doesn’t have my blood in his veins. It all makes sense though, why the postcards were never signed “Daddy or Dad” but instead with his first and last name. I was little so I never noticed. It shouldn’t have been such a shock, all the clues and […]

5/8/2014 0 comment

feel again

by emptyalways 3/17/2014

written by emptyalways

I want to feel something again.

You’d think I’d like feeling numb to this world, but I don’t.

Not feeling makes it hard to know if I’m alive or not.

I want to feel the pain, to know I’m living.

When I’m numb, well I might as well be dead.

I just want to feel again.

3/17/2014 0 comment

No more medication..

by emptyalways 3/11/2014

written by emptyalways

“I’m tempted to leave the car in drive, and leave it all behind.”

No more medication. I refuse to take another freaking pill. I am NOT going to take another pill. I’m so sick and tired of having to take medication everyday. Taking that pill is like pretending to be somebody I’m not, it makes me act happy and as if everything is okay. News flash, I’m not happy and nothing is okay. If I don’t want to be happy then get over it and let me just be miserable. If I’m going to be happy it’s not going to be because of some pill. It’s […]

3/11/2014 1 comment

I’m out of ideas..

by emptyalways 3/10/2014

written by emptyalways

“This might be the heartache that don’t stop hurting, it just keeps working on me, it just keeps pickin’ on me.”

I’ve tried almost everything to make it go away. Smoking, drinking, sex, and shredding my wrists.. The most helpful thing has been cutting. Seeing the blood drip and roll down my body. It’s almost like I’m draining my body of the hurt. If I just bleed enough it’ll eventually go away forever.. at least that’s what I’m hoping. I’m at a dead end and I don’t know what else to do.. tell somebody? or keep shredding my body until I’m all gone? I’m running out […]

3/10/2014 2 comments

A Promise for a Promise..

by emptyalways 3/8/2014

written by emptyalways

I made you a promise.. I promised to tell somebody, to show them the cuts and scars. You promised that things would get a lot better if I did. In all honesty, I’m scared to. Why should I tell someone something that they’ll never understand? They won’t know what to do or how to react.. The idea of getting better really scares me. I haven’t felt “better” in so long that even if I do get better, I might not even realize I am.

I want to go where you went. I want to experience what you experienced. I need to go far away, I need […]

3/8/2014 6 comments

In this world..

by emptyalways 3/5/2014

written by emptyalways

I’ve always wanted to have kids someday. Four to be exact. I know what you’re thinking, that’s a lot of kids. Well yes, but I love children and I’ve always wanted to have two of my own and to adopt two. I want to spoil them and love them as much as possible. I want to give them the world! But today, I stopped and I thought about the little boy or girl I’ll bring into this world someday.. and I realized I didn’t want that for them.Â I dont want want my children to grow up in such an ugly, hurtful world. I never want […]

3/5/2014 6 comments

Mom and Daddy

by emptyalways 3/4/2014

written by emptyalways

“Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter? They say I’m better off now than I ever was..”

Dear Mom and Daddy,

You won’t ever read this because if I wanted you to then I would be writing this on paper and mailing to you to get a week from now. I’ve played over in my head a million times how to say all of this to you and I still don’t know how, but let me ask you something..

Did it ever occur to you that I’m not better!? That I’m not okay, in reality I’m worse than ever, and I’ve just gotten a […]

3/4/2014 0 comment

Maybe..

by emptyalways 3/3/2014

written by emptyalways

Where are you now? I used to feel you in everything I did. I used to feel you in the wind, the water, my heart. Now.. I feel nothing. It’s like you never existed. It’s like you were never apart of me. You could make me cry, in a way that wasn’t tragic, but beautiful. You brought me joy and happiness. You brought my heart and mind peace. You took away the darkness and the pain. You stopped the tears and the hurt. Now you’re nowhere to be found, and I feel everything more than ever. I feel the pain and hurt like someone stabbing […]

3/3/2014 2 comments

I still wear your sweats…

by emptyalways 3/2/2014

written by emptyalways

“Yeah, the whole thing begins, and I let you sink into my veins, and I feel the pain like it’s new.”

I ‘ve tried and tried to forget. the pain. the tears. the laughing. the smiling. the places. the memories. you. And no matter what I do or say, I can’t. I miss it all, every second and day of it. I miss how close we were. Now it’s just gone, without any explanation. Not even a good-bye. I put away all the things you gave me so I wouldn’t be as reminded of you. It helped for awhile. But then I took out the letter…. […]

3/2/2014 0 comment

Silence

by emptyalways 2/27/2014

written by emptyalways

“I swear I hear your voice, it’s driving me insane”

Some days are better than others. My bad days though, they shatter me. On my bad days it feels like somebody has opened up my chest, taken a handful of my heart, and ripped it out. Some days I don’t miss him, but when I do, my entire being misses him. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. I know.. how cliche right? Well it’s the truth. He knew how to handle me at my worst, he loved me unconditionally and wiped away all of my tears. He took it when I screamed […]

2/27/2014 4 comments