I was thinking back about when I started to self-harm. It’s not really clear to me, but I think it’s a long time ago. I’m now 17 and I can remember that at an age of 10 I was already self-mutilating. Things like bang my head against the wall when I was not feeling well and hurting myself by means of abusing to myself, provoking quarrels and so on. Maybe I started earlier, but at an age of ten I can remember it very well. Therefor I can remember I was nail biting, but not other things that can be specify as self-mutilating behavior. The […]
Cutting those cuts,
feeling the razor blade slice into your skin,
seeing the blood flow…
No, I know it sure,
I will never heal of self mutilation.
NEVER
And those scars will always stay…
ALWAYS
There will come more of them.
Because the feeling I get is indiscribable.
Feeling that pain that’s going through my whole body,
feeling something and feeling numb,
feeling like it’s my best friend,
my best help,
the only thing I can trust.
Yeah, that blade and that stanley knife are really MY best friends.
A little poem written by myself:
And then you’re sitting there,
crying in the corner of the […]
Keep Fighting
Two words, thousand meanings, lots of inspirations. It were the words I wrote on my left wrist on the first of march, Self Injury Awareness Day. With a butterfly, as meaning of The Butterfly Project. It’s really amazing what two words can do with a person…. They just help me get through that day.
YOU ARE A MISTAKE!!!
YOU ARE A MISTAKE!!
YOU ARE A FAT, STUPID, UGLY GIRL!!
WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE IN GODS NAME??
JUST DIE!!
THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT YOU, FUCKING *****!!
The voice in my head. That evil devil. That little devil that’s inside me, that’s part of me. It won’t go away, it’s so much stronger than me. She tells me what to do and what not to do, she let me think evil things. It may ound like she is a little monster and yes, she is, but she is also the thing that makes me feel safer, better and […]
FUCK THEM!!!
FUCK THOSE THERAPISTS!!!!!
I’m really mad right now…The therapists say that they want to make me better and they will do everything to make me better. Yeah right. I’ve been in therapy for ten months now there and it only got worse and worse. I have going to the part-time therapy (5 days a week from 9 am till 3 pm) for 4 months now, and I have reached none of my goals. And those therapists…. they really sucked!! I really feel like they don’t take me serious. This was a conversation I had a few weeks ago when I told the therapists that […]
Well, as you see: I’m back. In my last post I wrote that I had to take a break and I did. After that break of more than 2 weeks, I’m back again. But I have to say that I may not be very active at SP, because I’m feeling really worse. The last two weeks were kinda horrible. There happened too much to explain, it would be boring if I would tell it all (actually, this is a kind of excuse, because I can’t remember it ^^). My life nowadays is really though, I’m feeling like a huge mistake, worthless piece of trash. Feeling […]
I’m going to take a break. So I won’t be on this site for a while. I won’t post anything or comment. I don’t know for how long. Maybe 2 days, maybe 2 weeks, maybe 2 months. I just don’t know. I am coming back, I guess, don’t know what’s going to happen in the next days… Love you all guys!! <3 Just need a break, although I find a lot of strength and understoodment at this site.
Please, everybody on this site, keep fighting, stay strong and believe in yourself!! Love you <3!
All my hope is gone… The little bit hope I had is gone. I really don’t think my life is ever going to be better. I’m fighting for more than 12 years now to get a better life where I can be real happy with, not fake happy. But in those 12 years, my life only got worse and worse… People say that when life is really terrible, it only could go better. Well, NO, it only can get worser!! (At least in my life) I wish I wasn’t on this earth anymore. I just want to die…. But I’m under controle right now. I […]
Really, I want to get out of this shitty world! If this is what life is supposed to be, than I don’t want to live anymore! Wish I had a gun…
Look at my body.
Look at my scars.
You see them?
Do you think there are too many?
Well, I can tell you,
it’s about less than 1% of the scars that are inside.
You don’t believe?
Ofcourse not, because you won’t.
You won’t believe that I have a terrible life.
But look at my body.
Look at my scars.
You see them?
Do you think there are too many?
Well, I can tell you,
they are uncountable.
Try to count them.
You can’t?
Ofcourse not,
because there are too many of them.
How much you ask?
I don’t know, maybe 300,
maybe 400, 500, 600 or […]
I look at my hips, arm and belly. Seeing those red, fresh cuts is such a relief. The lovely pain, that beautiful bright red, those little blood drops, your sharp knife. That good feeling that isn’t possible to express in words. Just that feeling that isn’t repositionable…
People always say: “Yeah, you have to go in therapy, search for help. Than it will get better.”
Right. But what if I don’t want to be helped?? What if I just want to take care of myself, that nobody could help me. What if I don’t believe therapy works, because I’m so many times betrayed through people. Because I’m so many times disappointed by therapists and other people.
What if I just don’t want to live anymore?? What if I feel like it’s the only option to get better. That it’s the only way out.
What if I just don’t want to get better?? […]
Well, I was wondering who of you guys is ever been bullied. So if you please would answer the following questions, thank you.
The questions:
1). Have you ever been bullied or been a bully, or both?
2). For how long have you been bullied?
3). What kind of bullying was it? (think about physical, emotional, abusing you or calling you names, follow you, ignore you, and so on)
4). What was the worst thing that ever happened when you were bullied?
Feel free to say anything else you want or to answer not all the questions.
My answers to the questions:
1). I’ve been bullied, […]
She died… My sweetie, my friend. I loved her so much, just to have her around. Just the noise she maked, so I didn’t felt lonely. Just her presence. That I could talk to her whenever I needed, and she always listened. That I could hug her whenever I wanted, and she would just look at me with those little, cute and sweet eyes. She meaned so much to me, but now she is gone… She was so strong and she fought till the last second. I knew she wouldn’t live very long, but this was just too soon. I needed her in these hard […]
Okay, so I posted a post two days ago. That I was a little bit proud on myself that I kept my promiss to myself so far on. That promiss was that I had to write a post at least once a day. I maked that promiss because I can never hold on something for a long time. But that whole feeling of a little bit proud is totally gone, because yesterday I didn’t wrote a post. Just because I couldn’t encourage myself to write a post. Also today I almost couldn’t encourage myself, but I really pushed myself because writing on this website is […]
When I started writing/posting on this site, I made a promise to myself. I promised myself to post EVERY DAY at least one post. I actually didn’t believe I would maintain this for more than one week. I’m a person that starts completely enthusiastic, but after a few times doing it, I always quit. So thid was a big and important challange for me. Now I’m a little proud of myself, because this is my 19th post in 18 days and I wrote everyday!! I finally do something every day. I hope that my promise won’t be broken soon…
Broken glass.
It was mine.
My place.
The only place I felt a little bit safe.
But it’s broken now.
There’s laying glass all over the ground.
In pieces,
My safety in pieces,
Broken,
Taken down.
My protection.
But it’s broken,
It will never heal again.
Broken in pieces of glass.
All that I had is broken.
I try and try to fix it,
Try to build up my shell of glass.
But everytime I have a little part,
It’s taken down again.
Building up the only thing I had isn’t the option,
Because it only works reversed.
I need a thing that works […]
I wrote this poem directly after a emotional conversation with my parents and the familytherapist. It was the first conversation and therapy with my parents and the therapist.
Like you have to hold your own mirror in front of you.
So you can see all those negativities.
You have to face them,
but you don’t want it because it only takes you down.
Makes you more depressed and more negative than before,
but it’s the only way to face it.
It’s the only way to get rid of those negativities.
But the fact you want to die more than you did before is the […]
I’m feeling so down. All I want to do is laying in my bed, sleeping, crying and cutting. I know I have to go to therapy every monday till friday from 9 am till 3 pm, but I really don’t want to do ANYTHING right now. I’m getting more scared and paranoid every day. Getting scared that someone is following me, or wants to steal my bag or purse. That kind of stupid things. I want to evade them, so I stay inside as much as possible. But the only thing I really want besides wanting to die, is just laying in my bed, sleeping, […]
So I’ve started with medication since thursday. I take Rubió (better known as Ritalin or methylphenidate/MPH/MPD) 5mg twice a day (at 8.30 am and at 12.30 pm) always after my meal. But since thursday I feel really sick. My stomach hurts (not my belly, but my tummy) and my intestine also, it feels like it’s kind of restless. I also feel the whole time like I have to vomit. I only eat my breakfast and lunch and dinner, and take my medication after my meals. I have a very bad headache and I’m scared that I can pass out every minute. Does anybody here have […]