I’ve been really bad this last week binge eating a lot and I feel so awful I gained three pounds I need to not eat at all next week to make up for it. I wont eat anyway I have exams…
My friends tell me I have an eating disorder…I told them they where full of shit…but they aren’t I’m not stupid I know that not eating is killing me but I cant eat…it makes me feel sick even thinking about it…Maybe being skinny will make my mom love me again…
I long to take my last breathe… but compared to before things have been better.
All my life I am left alone never friends with anyone for more than a year at most, they always leave…my family, i wouldnt even know where to start, they don’t love me they told me so
I keep expecting to wake up one morning and find everyone i love gone, telling me they never want to see me again, and I dont think I could handle it…not now when I need them most.
I wonder if I should just end it –Take my last breathe– before they hurt me first…
but I can’t…and […]
I try and I try but nothing change  It is a constant cuticle of tears,cutting, and lie  I can’t escape no matter how hard I try  I feel so lost and confused I don’t know hat to do. I am scared help me
Drastic Actions
I’d heard countless stories on the news about how kids my age had tragically taken their own lives. Nobody had ever noticed the warning signs they said, the parents thought that their sweet daughter was perfect, that she had no problems, when in reality she had more problems than most. I never understood why no one had ever noticed the signs or, if someone did, why they hadn’t cared enough to tell someone. I always thought that if I felt this way my family would notice; my friends would tell someone, my teachers would be worried about a change in my […]
I find myself wishing I wasn’t born.
I find myself widhing that someone would look at me and see the pain i am because I cant bring myself to tell them.
I want everyone to realize I am not the bitchy sarcastic person they think I am, I use it to hide..
Why do bad things happen to those so young and full of life, Why do they come in and stomp the joy out of us killing all hope, love and joy.
The day get worse despite the promise of “It gets Better”.
My heart and soul aches and I don’t know what to do…
Currently we are studying the cold war in my history class, I think about how a war was never really fought. I realize that the fight between my heart and my brain is like the cold war except I am the only casualty my body and soul take a beating every day while my mind battles what my heart desperately wants…the sweet relief of death…the adrenaline caused by the blade and the worry that I will soon be caught…
The small criss cross across my wrist
Nobody notices
Nobody cares
The small criss cross across my wrist
I want the the relief
I need the relief
Of the small criss cross across my wrist
This past month has been so many things; horrendous, miserable, cloudy with a chance of shit, amazing and terrible at the same time.
I attempted to make amends with my mother…she at the first opportunity sent me home said goodbye and drove off.
I tried to help a child in need but was chased away by an overprotective foster parent.
I made an effort to fit in and went to a part, somebody slipped something into my non-alcoholic drink and I ended up vomiting all over the front lawn
I found a boy…A boy who seemed to like me for me scars and all. I remember the first night we shared together, he took me to a […]
I’m unhappy, more than unhappy actually. I don’t know whats wrong with me I have nothing left to live for and if I could I would drop dead right now. I know there are people that love me but the one person I want to love me doesn’t. The women who knew me before I knew myself, the women who carried me for nine months hates me, and I cant do a damn thing about it. Today I realized that I have become just like her. i am mean and I say things to people just to hurt them. I can’t stop myself and it […]
I haven’t been eating, or sleeping properly. I introvert randomly. I’m changing and I don’t want to, my sleep patterns are irregular, on days that i actually sleep I sleep for at least 14 hours other days though I get o-2 hours. I’ts not healthy. I eat once a day. I find myself wanting to cut in the middle of the day but I can’t. I go into the stall hoping for a release but I can’t break the skin I try and I could just fine a couple of nights ago. I’m slowly losing my mind…I am happy immediately with my friends but as soon as they leave […]
Ever since the incident a week ago I haven’t been normal. My dad got mad at me today for no reason. He broke a plate, I was so scared that he was going to hurt me…again…I know I need to get out but I have no where to go.
I made a break through though, at the time of his freak out I was video chatting with some friends and I told them what he did. The little voice in my head was wrong, they didn’t judge me or anything. I felt better afterwards.
School is the only place I truly feel safe, I love it there…
How do I write a letter to a teacher without sounding like I am suicidal (which I am). How do I tell her about my life in one page so that she can get to know me? Why is god shitting on my life!?!? I have no idea what to do this time. I have no idea waht to do most of the time. I need someone but teachers don’t have the best track record. Because verytime I tell a teacher something in confidence it somehow gets back to my mother! Why am I even writing this? I am just falling apart, my life is […]
I feel my worst when I am alone. The think is is that I don’t want to be near people, I want to be alone. It’s bad for me to isolate myself , I learned that the hard way. I came so close to ending it this last week. I abused pills for the first time and it made the pain go away for awhile. I’ve had the week from hell but somehow I keep going, somehow I act like I am okay.
The razor blade in my pocket makes me feel safe. The people at school make me feel safe. A hig from my grandmother makes me feel safe. All of these things make me feel safe-why can’t I face them- why can’t I tell my teacher what my father did to me, why cant I tell the truth to my grandmother, why cant I face the blade and kick the habit…I got myself into a compromising situation yesterday. we where playing keep away with my friends shoe I had it and her boyfriend backed me into a corner. I felt trapped, I flashed back to that night and freaked out […]
He hit me. Just once he hit me. I cant forget it and I cant stop myself from flinching everytime a man/boy gets near me to fast. My life has been hell for the last 3 days and I feel so scared all of the time. I’m scared to leave my bed, I’m scared to argue with him, scared that if he gets angry I am going to get hurt…
should I report him?
I said things where better and I thought they where. I was wrong though. just hours after my last post all hell broke loose. My dad went crazy he got mad at me and he threw me on my bed and was shaking me and hitting me and I screamed that I hated him. he grabbed me and dragged me head first off my bed and slammed me to the floor. He saw my mom at the store and he told me that she didn’t want me. Nobody wants me anymore… My family has abandoned me…and I don’t know what to do.
The only reason I am awake […]
The days get shorter and the darkness gets longer, but somehow I find myself feeling better than I have in weeks. I applied for a writing program and got an unpaid internship. Somehow I know something is going to go wrong and I don’t think I can handle it. I don’t want to handle it. I will overcome that bridge when I come to it. For now though I am going to act like I’m somewhat okay and keep living.
I’m scared of moving on and letting this temporary time of peace go…
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
Every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn
And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
All of these questions’ such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
I was so ready to eat the berries. But then I got a text from a friend inviting me over next weekend, I realized that I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t do it because I was weak. I couldn’t make myself do what I know everyone secretly wants me to do and it is killing me. I tried talking to the counselor but everytime I go in there I end up talking a about something else. she can’t help me because twice I was a coward.
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