headupunderdarkcloud

I remember when I was happy, or at least content. I wonder now if that’s forever gone. But I plod on in bland obedience to meet life’s demands and expectations all the same. It’s as though some never-ending grocery shopping list..  Just items someone else has scribbled down, and I read and retrieve without investment nor ceremony.. Very mechanical, making the choices in response to what’s written there to select.. Completing the task of grabbing the carrots, and now on to the cereal isle..

Tonight I stayed sober cause work in the morning, and am grateful for work. It’s one thing to stay accountable for. And […]

..cause to be a “winner” implies causing another to become a “loser”. I don’t want to create any losers. It’s a hard piece of real estate to take up in this world.

..is to abandon delusion. It’s probably ok. We just don’t know what’s next. No frame of reference for what may exist outside one’s life, mainly driven and maintained by delusion. Not trying to sound dour, on the contrary..Maybe there’s some kind of bravery, there in the willingness to examine hard, those delusions, which keep pretty much every human being going

Why cling to this grim slimy reality? Ha! Why force the prison on up out of bed and to some series of unremarkable, unrewarding tasks just in order to afford something moderately less bleak than homelessness? I don’t know. I know the answer is supposed to be in the connections with others. It’s so bleary though, at times. Keep going, I guess. But my god..Sobering up, is just, awful.

The problem about all of this.. Just the the way we categorize and organize things.. Put this current event into this interpretation.. Is there any real solution? I don’t know. It still happens. There’s things to work on to minimize, but it still rears. Guess, we should just see it for what it is. It’s the way we process. Everyone makes errors, it’s an inevitable thing. But we could perhaps try to be a little easier on ourselves. We should. To be so harsh on one’s self, is really the unfair thing.

Just do it already? Everyone’s on their earbuds and cellphones anyways, who to look up and really care.. Maybe something to take a pic of, the gruesome thing, upload it to Insta and hope for some likes. What does it matter anyways if all I can end up doing is just make one absolutely devastating mistake after another..As am busy digging out from the last here comes the new. Forever reborn in dumbfounded how it happens. Sigh, deep sigh.. Well, one more. We’ll see how deep its consequences tomorrow. We’ll keep going, sure.. Some foolish thing, face whatever will come how beat up already am. […]

I read the news today..that wasn’t very smart.

I guess that I can still afford Curry, ok, one more day.

..maybe 350, how much does a couple more hours really matter though? It was an interesting thing, and now over.. Not like I’ve tried, but the last 9 nights has seen to that. Last night’s was a half bottle of Jack and couple flutes of cheap Champaign. I celebrated, watching reruns of the Larry Sanders show and half-heartedly alphabetizing my record collection. Pretty spectacular evening. Happy New Year!

It’s hard.

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