heartlessviking

Right, no secret at all I’ve been having “jump ship” thoughts about the work I’m doing for over a month. Just this gut feeling, you spend most of your life in sinking ships, you start learning to bail early. I wasn’t allowed to, apparently I need to watch this shit go south.

We’re a sub contractor, our company works for the general contractor who works for the store that we’re building. In the last few days the owners of the store have been expressing frustration that we aren’t done yet. That’s the polite way of saying it. This multi national company is throwing a full blown […]

still kind of not allowed to stop working, which I still think is a weird position for an adult man to be in, but hey, who said any of this had to make sense? Carl Sagan probably, but he was an academic, different rules for such people.

Anyway, yesterday I went to the doctor, not because I wanted to, but because I had run out of other options apart from hospitalization or death. Frankly, it was only slightly more appealing than death, and that was because it is nearly impossible to screw up going to the doctor. It’s like having a drug dealer who gives you […]

been talking about dying for at least a solid 15 years, fully suicidal for the past decade at least…. but today was the closest I’ve ever come.

It’s not like there was a trigger. I just looked down at OBJECT_REDACTED and thought; I could go that way, nearly no effort, so I bent over and put in my pocket, and about ten minutes later I walked out of the building and got in my car, because the particular method I was going for was going to take a solid ten minutes. I’ve read quite a bit about what works and what doesn’t, and I think I […]

I know no other word for it, because I am dancing with destruction, without doubt. Yesterday I reached a point I walked off the job, and I wanted very much to keep walking to something else, nearly anything else. Then my wife cried, and so now that escape route is cut off. It’s melt before fail. Let’s talk about melt before fail, because it was an actual engineering principle once upon a time. The idea was that a computer, rather than shutting down when reaching a critical malfunction, would instead keep running. Even if it caught fire, or melted the contacts.

There’s something undeniably macho about […]

Today I got up and decided that certain specific challenges needed defeating. That’s more agency than I get most of the time, I picked what I fought, because I knew I could win. Then it gave up with very little fight at all, and I’m left frustrated; why is everything else so hard?

when I can see a problem in front of me, marshal resources to attack it, and set my mind to overcoming it, I do, it’s what I’m good at. These other enemies though, not so easy, I can’t point to them, or mount resources to remove them. If only I could.

The problem is […]

there isn’t any hope. I’m done trying to grapple with it, the economy is going to shit, having children isn’t going to become affordable. God, I tried, but now even my meager faith in him doesn’t stand up to the moment. If there is a God, maybe he’s doing an experiment in hands off management.

Which leads to the why, I’m getting there; last week I mentioned that during one of my darker moments I contemplated the many methods at my disposal. It was just a weather report as far as I’m concerned, I have no desire to decrease this temptation, and frankly it might be […]

I’m surviving on thin margins here, thinner than I realized. You don’t know how little is holding you together until it is taken away. I had a game that was helping, relaxed me, helped with focus. Now it doesn’t work, don’t know when or if it will again. Today I almost lost access to my pay for another week, and fell apart…. thin margins when 7 more days without pay is 7 too many.

I thought about killing myself today. Not in a telling other people sort of way, more in a practical get it over with way. Didn’t see that I was that close to […]

I’ve started buying things I don’t need, but the problem is right now my weekly wage shows no sign of increasing, and the value of things I buy is increasing. I feel like it’s unavoidable; soon we will have to do without most of the luxuries we used to take for granted. The upshot is I’m leveraged up to my eyes in debt, yes, my debt is the best thing about me

see, because rising inflation means wages WILL rise, or costs will decrease, and either way I can either pay off my debt more easily, or my take home pay will go further, that’s the […]

Apparently all I really needed to clear my sinuses was an eight hour day hanging pipe in a future craft store. Upshot, we got the A/C on today, so the work area is somewhat liveable. The humidity is still awful, but after a few days that should let up.

I feel remarkably dead inside. I came out of my near coma to realize that my current work is repetitive and silly, but I also can’t think of anything better to do. To be clear; I could think of plenty of better things to do, but they all cost money. I can’t think of anything better to […]

sick, my body is sick to the point that I’m somewhat detached from the normal world. It feels like I might die, and that’s a promising thought. Anyway, I’m not me right now, not sure who I am, whoever keeps the lights on until the old ticker shuts off.

Every time I think I’m getting better, I get more dizzy, more confused…. one part thinks it will be over sooner or later, the other part wonders why my biology would be so kind.

Sleep is the fast forward button of life, and I haven’t slept like this in years. Wouldn’t be surprised to wake up ancient and […]

every day, it’s a struggle to keep enough energy to do the things I need to, or that I should do

I struggle to eat, like my relationship with food is a substantial amount of the problem. There is food I’d like, and it’s fucking expensive, and my income can’t afford for me to eat like that every day, really I can’t afford to eat like that at all…….. which means it’s work to eat. Every time my blood sugar drops, which is often, I have to go eat something…. when my energy sags I have to go smoke…. when my throat gets dry I have […]

I probably shouldn’t indulge in these feelings. That’s BS, some people say there is no such thing as “wrong feelings”, well what do you call it when your feelings are constantly demeaned and repressed by the people around you? It’s not a feelings friendly world for a dude.

Right, so the main thing is my new job…. which sometimes is nice, and others really drives me up the wall. It’s $15 an hour, which is solidly okay, average. The upshot is that in four years I can make $30+ an hour, and that’s just for doing my time. Not an easy thing to get anymore…. that […]

I know I’m a bit fixated on death, probably always have been and always will. My first encounter with it was at age five, my great aunt who I loved more than my mother at the time passed away, ovarian cancer. I was devestated.

At age 12-14 I watched my grandma waste away from Lou Gehrig’s disease. In the words from one of my favorite films, Pet Sematary, “sometimes dead is better.” She was utterly miserable by the end. She was also a big enthusiast on the whole living thing; cooked healthy, gardened, worked out regularly, took care of others right up to the end. I’ve […]

It’s official, I have a new job….. Never been this low effort getting in before…..

The temptation is to ascribe such happenstance to a higher power, especially because the people at the new job are…. religious. Nothing wrong with that, I’m just not sure if I am anymore. Which brings it back to the realistic anxiety; why is it so easy? maybe it’s a good fit? IDK, too soon to say.

The physical pain is abundant, and I’ve never been this into it. I have to balance between pushing myself as hard as I can, and making sure my ability to function keeps working. It’s a surprisingly […]

It hit me yesterday, I’m just the waste product left of what was once a useful person. As in, I don’t identify with who I was before the crash, it was a human being I am not capable of being now.

The one car that I’ve spent the last four years spending almost all my money keeping alive, and already had one transmission replaced, had the transmission go out. For those of you without cars (lucky devils), that means that my care is now a 3000 pound useless hunk of steel. We own three “cars”, as in they used to be cars, back when I could […]

I’m back, the trip went…. more successfully than I expected. All the same…. I don’t feel a damn thing anymore. I feel a desire to feel, a longing, empty feeling.  I willfully spin away the hours, trying to feel some joy or satisfaction in things….

we’re in that time of year, where even though the hours of daylight outnumber those of darkness, sometimes days in a row will go without sun, without much light because of all the rain. Which should be great, I know lots of people are living in draught, not getting enough rain to survive….. which just makes me more sad; I don’t […]

Getting set up to go on my first trip in awhile, even longer since I went on a pure pleasure vacation… the downside? It’s a state that I haven’t had the best of luck in. As in every time I’ve entered that state since age 18 (which is at least half a dozen times) something bad has happened; on the far worst end I got kicked out of an entire entertainment complex due to one of my worst public meltdowns….. to the lightest of being yelled at by my boss for not accurately understanding the street layouts…

so we’re playing a game that I play a […]

I’ve spent most of my life stuck in a temperate climate land locked state. The climate is the thing I like least, I’ve gone hotter, and I’ve gone colder. I’ve gone dryer, but I have not found a more moist climate. It’s so humid I can break a sweat from sweeping my kitchen floor…. and have.

look, politically it also isn’t pleasant, but I suspect that would be easier to deal with if the climate wasn’t as it is. I just like the honest brutality of the desert for example, be it arctic or hot, it wants you to die, and you don’t have to work […]

Today sucked, as has most of the last year, but today distilled it all down, into why I have no faith in my life.

My therapist canceled. I’m sure for a completely rational reason, but he canceled on a day I really needed him. First I needed to process my wife falling through my kitchen floor Easter evening, but also I needed help figuring out how to deal with it, I’m flying solo and am a notoriously destructive force in that area.

We had also set this morning as a time to try and get me with a social worker to get a job….. now that has […]