Fuck.
Ich dich nicht haben kann…even though I want to with all of my heart. You hurt me so badly sometimes. I don’t understand the things you do and why you would do them so carelessly to something that is a piece of you, that shares your flesh and blood. I would die for you, I really would. If it ever came down to you being killed or I, I would gladly and shamelessly step in front of you and guard you with every inch of my being. Your face is so beautiful…it’s perfect, even when you think you look like ‘hell warmed over and dipped […]
I’ve been stalking your past tonight. I’ve been going through all of your accounts, posts, words, ideas, thoughts, and actions like some sort of maniac. How they would gawk and stray from me if they knew what has happened…what’s happening.
Your last Facebook post was on February 3rd. I can’t believe you’re still alive from the ‘incident’ you endured. I was told you cried like a little girl, and passed out on the first one. I was upset when I got the news, I was sorry. “I never meant for it to happen, baby. I’m so sorry. Come back to me…” I’m glad I never messaged you […]
For the first time in a long time, I wanted to die last night. I had the weight of everyone and everything on my shoulders, and to make the pain and strain less, I cut my left thigh 4 times with a razor blade. The cuts were deep, which is a cutter’s dream. I wanted so badly to cut my wrists, but I didn’t want to bother with trying to hide them later on from my family. I’ve been sick this past week with a cold, and my stepmom bought me a knock-off brand of Nyquil. I took 3 shots of that, hoping it would take […]
I used to wonder why everyone was always after Christianity so much in this world, why it was the one religion out of so many in existence chosen to be talked against. Now I know why. Christ is not of this world, but of one where there is no ‘temporaries’ or ‘perishables’. He is of a world where there is no pain, confusion, hate, anger, guilt, doubt; bad thing or sin of any kind. That doesn’t sound too much like our world, does it? His followers are hated like He was, because we are no longer of this world once we claim Him and become […]
Why is it now that I am faced with my past and what I have done? Why couldn’t it have happened earlier or later? I was already in a state of some sort of depression, and now this? I don’t understand, and I am now carrying the famous ‘ball and chain’ my father has spoken of many times in the past. I have set my goals and made plans, but I thought that’s all there was to it, besides the occasional struggle (people judging you, speaking against you, blah blah blah). I thought that people around me would be my struggle on the path to […]
Came into the world bright and perfect
Never expected something so terrifying
Something so hectic
Full of death and crying
I wasn’t scared or sad
I thought I was saved and they weren’t lying
I was sitting in my perfect world, too blind to see the bad
Then here comes the giant, my hands he was tying
I was going out of my mind, I thought I was going mad
Then here comes the death, here comes the crying
My head was pounding as I thought, “Where is my dad?”
The giant laughed, whispering “His love for you is dying”
My hands were bonded by duct tape, losing the strength I had
My feet were stuck together, I […]
I just read a post here by the user JerzyBoy. It broke my heart to read that such a beautiful soul hurts so much. Dear JerzyBoy, I love you too. I must not know what it feels like to be at the end of the rope if God doesn’t even seem to help. I can’t possibly imagine your pain and your broken spirit and mind. I hope you continue to live and something miraculous happens to make your life worth while for you. To imagine you dying is breaking my mind, to be honest. To imagine you taking your own life churns my stomach and I […]
How far I’ve come is astonishing. I still have bad days, believe me. They can really hurt and I hate them. But just looking back at my past and how I was then, compared to my present and how I am now is just mindblowing. I’ve changed so much, and I am very thankful I have. I went from burning bibles to sleeping with one in my arms and praising it. From being high nearly all the time to being fully aware mentally, emotionally, and physically. I don’t think I’ll never be able to express my gratitude to God for how much He has turned […]
I remembered what you’ve done to me. It all came rushing in last night around 10. I then realized that a part of my mind is insane, and that the relationships I have with people now are fascinating, yet so out of control and volatile. I am honest, I am loving, I am myself, but then there’s that other part. The part that takes things too quickly, dreams about that significant other every time I close my eyes, starts thinking of married life, and wont let the ‘other’ go out of my sight or grasp. I get all kinds of crazy when I have a […]
Death is a common subject here, so I’ll start there. I can’t seem to get it through my head that one day, everyone around me will die, and even I will die. My mother will be dead some day. She’s really beautiful. Rust colored hair, light brown eyes, small pale cat-like face, slender, and just absolutely gorgeous. My little brother will die some day. He’s got ocean blue eyes, and his pupils are always huge (he doesn’t do drugs, I swear). He’s smart, strong, funny, and a total lady’s man. My two older sisters will die. They’re both beautiful, smart, sweet, unique, and successful. My […]
I never knew how much I hated to hear the truth until now. I got internet at my house about a month ago, and my father just told me, “I knew this was going to happen when we got internet. You spend 95% of your time on the computer.” I told him, “There’s nothing else to do.”
When I didn’t have internet and had all that free time, I wasn’t too safe. That’s when drugs, sex, and just plain outrageous and irrational things came into play. I wonder which one my father would rather have me do: stay on the internet all day, or go out […]
There’s no other site like this one in the internet world that I’ve seen, and that I actually like. My relationship with this place is more of a love/hate relationship. I’ve been here many times in the past, the last time ending in an apocalyptic fashion, as I would have described it then. Those days were godless, drama filled, and just black.
So I guess I’m here again not to prove some sort of point like before, but to try and be more creative through poems, short stories, and my descriptions of events, people, and my own self. I don’t expect advice from anyone. To be […]
Older Posts