Hello. It has been a while. I am currently on a trip right now with my school visiting a university. We basically shadow graduate students and learn a bit about the reserch project. Today a group of the kids played a prank on one kid. They told him something was due by a certain time and he was panicing. He eventually found out and he was pretty mad about it. That makes me wonder if they are talking shit about me or worse planning something for me. I don’t really talk much and I usually stay in my dorm rather than be with […]
Hello. I’m a bit tired. Today was the last day. Nothing big really happened. I angered my parents today. One of them can be very vindictive. I got to school 2 minutes before the bell. They took a long time getting ready on purpose. I had a final to take. I had to run across the lawn when it was water logged. My shoes got wet and I had to go around walking the rest of the morning with wet socks. It isn’t that big of a deal. Although I could do without the backhanded comments. “I don’t need another lazy son.” she tells my […]
Hello. It is currently 1:03 am while typing this. I guess I just wanted to talk. Last day of school tomorrow. I don’t really know how to feel about that. I guess I am some what indifferent. I know I’ve already spoken about it enough. Where is everything? A lot of these tend to be random thoughts. None of the thoughts I have are really coherent anymore. There just kind of there. It is somewhat funny. It is currently 1:06. To the older readers, what is it like? Having to deal with all pain and the like. With school, I guess there is always a […]
Hello. I have two days left in school. You can tell in everyone’s mood. It is getting louder. Everyone is running around busy with finals and friends. The hallways are so loud you can barely hear yourself think. I’m going to leave soon. I’ll be on my own soon, not to see others for a solid 3 months. I’m not sure how to feel. My head feels a bit squeezed. Every feel like you have something to do, but you don’t know what it should be? Like a feeling in your feet the means it needs to be moving. Walking is a somewhat odd thing. […]
I’m not really aware of what others are thinking. I guess no one really does, but it is easier for some to understand others. It is the last week of school, and people have I guess noticed me. Normally, I just go about my day and nobody says anything to me or even really acknowledges me. However, in the past few days people have actually said hi and smiled at me and the like. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but seeing as how this sort of thing hasn’t really happened to me until these last few days it draws some concern. Why […]
Hello. I have less than 1 week left in school. I can’t seem to stay still. Going to a place full of people like school is agony. I hate it. I got to get away. I can’t stay still. Every time I look around, I see people having a great time and spending it with others. I understand that I am alone. I just don’t want to show up to a place where it constantly reminds me. This restlessness has extended at home as well. Even in my room I can’t sit still. I want out. It’s driving me insane. Like I need to be […]
Hello. Im at school right now. I should be studying but I’ve got to decompress first. I don’t think people want me atound. I don’t feel well. Do you ever wish you could stick your hand inside your head and rip out the things you don’t like about yourself? I would like to rip out the thing inside my head that makes me feel weird when around others. I wish I could stop caring. I don’t feel well. I don’t want it anymore. Back to studying. Thanks for listening.
Hello. Today was a bit rough. I have a little under two weeks left for school. I just need to get through it. Around this time I get kind of depressed. I am never comfortable around people and school is the only time I am ever around people. When it comes to summer, I do my utmost to stay away from public places. However, I can’t help but feel kind of shitty when going back to that routine. It means I really am alone. When you have no reason to be around people, it means people have no reason to be around you. You are […]
Hello. It has been sometime. I’ve been busy. I’ve actually felt not terrible. Not good, but not terrible. Yesterday I went to a beach clean up. A lot of people were there. Made me realize how difficult it is for me to be around other people. I hardly spoke, and could never look anyone in the eye. It’s pretty difficult. Lots of girls there. It was the beach so they wore skimpy tops and short shorts. Didn’t know what to do. Tried to stay as far as possible. When I was alone, it actually felt nice. Alone with my thoughts. It is actually starting to […]
Hello. Haven’t posted in a while. Testing week was hell. Tired. Ended testing week off with an important interview. Felt like a fraud. I dressed up as something I wasn’t. Smiled. Used hand gestures. I was articulate. They seemed very pleased. The final question was why I thought I deserved the position. I wanted to scream out I didn’t deserve it. That I was a fraud. That I was a liar. That I was a horrible person. I sat there for 30 seconds. I finally came up with some bullshit answer. They said I got it. Went up to shake their hand. I felt a […]
Hello. It’s been a little while. It’s testing week. Had to study. Should be studying. Wanted to do a quick post. This post is going to be dumb and whiny. Please don’t be mad. I can’t handle it when girls smile at me. It bothers me. A part of me thinks that she might like me or think I’m attractive. Then the bigger part of me thinks that’s stupid and would never happen. I really don’t know how to talk to or be around girls. I can’t really even handle it if they look in my direction. This one girl I don’t even know that […]
Hello. I’ve felt that I have hit a wall recently. I haven’t progressed. I don’t really know where to go? You know I thought I had everything figured out, as far as future plans. Go to college, get a major in mechanical engineering, get a job at a local engineering firm etc. But that doesn’t really feel realistic. I recently had to write a life purpose letter. It was for some project I’m doing and it requires a letter that basically explains my plans for life. And I found it ironic. I thought about all the plans I had and realized none of it really […]
Hello. I’m just not feeling it. I have a few more weeks left to go. No energy to get the stuff done though. I’m starting to get spastic. I have a feeling something is suppose to be happening now, but I just don’t know what it is. Like something is missing. My head is starting to feel a bit compressed. I feel like I need to be somewhere, I just don’t know where. Everything is out of place and it is starting to get annoying. I’m not too sure. It’s like I’m not suppose to be here. Well thank you for listening.
Hello. I didn’t post yesterday. I just forgot was all. Nothing to worry about just in case a few of you were. Today my school had the annual senior presentations. At my school there is a heavy focus on engineering, and every year, starting since I was a freshman, the seniors show the school and a couple of local engineers who act as judges what they worked on. I used to be so excited for the event, since I want to be an engineer, but lately I didn’t really care. Then there was the keynote speaker. He was some German dude who has been working […]
Hello. Lately I’ve been feeling ok. My depression comes in waves I guess. I went to bed feeling ok, but woke up feeling like shit. I don’t know why this happens. I’ve got a feeling something bad is coming. I’m going to screw up some how and everyone is going to be mad. Do you know that feeling? It’s that gut feeling that the momentary peace you feel isn’t going to last very long. There’s not really much to say. I’ve got a few more weeks until testing. I realize I’m way behind since my depression kind of came back. I don’t really see myself […]
Hello. Lately I’ve been feeling less like a piece of shit than usual. However, I’m positive that I’ll have a freak out sooner or later. Since I’ve been on SP for a week I might as well talk about the first and only time I’ve ever attempted suicide. And by that I mean a half-baked attempt that would have just landed me in the hospital with a stomach ache or not even that. So this was a few years ago and my depression was the worse it had ever been. My parents had just got done yelling at me for a $20 dollar fee I […]
Hello. In a few hours I have an interview and it’ll probably be a disappointment. But for right now I wanted to ask you a question. What do you guys do for entertainment? How do you guys get your mind off of things. I play video games and watch youtube ( I love game grumps and I’m watching the new episode right now). I also love animation. Not working on it, but seeing the process and the final product is so cool. I have major respect for anyone who can animate. It’s just so cool to see it all come together. So what do you […]
Hello. Today was a bad day. I didn’t get yelled at or anything, just an angry look. That just made me realize how alone I am in this. I understand SP will be there for me, but outside of that, I have no one to talk to. I’m alone on this. I’m kind of a disappointment. And they are justified in being disappointed in me. I’m not the most outgoing person and I’m kid of lazy and pathetic. To them they’ve put so much money and time and effort into me only to have me come out as a sort of nothing. I see why […]
Hello. Lately I’ve been feeling low, but usually I’m worried about something. I have anxiety about a lot of things. What people think about me, my loneliness, my future, and of course the suicidal thoughts. I said in an earlier post that my grades were slipping, but usually I’m an A student. It hasn’t gotten that bad, but it isn’t getting any better. Pretty soon I’m going to have to send college apps and I don’t know how to explain that my depression, which no one knows about, has been ruining my chances into getting into my preferred college. Usually I have tiny panic attacks […]
Hello. I’m very uncertain about a lot of things. I’m not even really sure that I’m suicidal. I think about killing myself all the time and I even daydream about how I would do it. But if I was really suicidal, wouldn’t I have already done it by now? Literally I could just go into the kitchen while everyone’s asleep, get a knife, cut my throat, and lie down on the bed. But every time I’m at my lowest and feel the urge to do it, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I guess I’m too afraid. I imagine I’m put in situations […]