I have that feeling again. It’s almost time to leave and move randomly across country. I don’t know why I do it but it’s such a strong impulse. I stay in a state for 6-8 months, become stable. Build my savings account. Fix the car because she is a temperamental Lil thing 🙂 and off I go again. Yes once my car is out of the shop I think it’s off to the mountains again. I’ve been back and forth between both mountain ranges now. Ive never seen the ocean yet and I would like to. I loved the lake. I think that the lake […]
Justnoonemuch
Today was hard. I’m full of fear and dispair. I woke up from a dream this morning about you. In the dream you talked to me. I think the reason I don’t talk to you is because I’m afraid to lose what little of you I have left. But I woke up and all day I felt fear. And my brain kept screaming at me to die. All day it formulated an exit plan. Skip work tomorrow it screams still. Go to the store. Buy your stuff. End it. Still I think about it. I’m old enough to buy one. I have the money that […]
I can feel the pieces. I don’t know who I talk to. Am I talking to myself? Am I leaving this here for you to find one day? Am I venting to strangers? I wish you would find this. I wish you would listen once more. You were the best medicine I ever had. I can feel the pieces of me. I don’t know when I shattered. But I can remember the first symptoms. I remember cutting because with a numb mind. I remember your tears when you hurt me because you grabbed my arm and you found my secret so so long ago. So […]
I know I can’t say it. But I’m missing you again. You’re in my dreams again. How many years will it be until we meet again? You were right you know. About alot of things, but I never believed you when you said you’d never see me again when I was leaving. Oh how you were right. I see you in too many places. I need to forget you yet I would lose so much of myself if I did. I always had a theory that a person is just a culmination of the people and ideas around them. Stitched together into a unique shape. […]
I joined in 2016. I found this site by chance. I have watched many people come and go from this site and I miss them. Many are dead I have no doubt. Some just haven’t been on in a long time and have forgotten this place. I remember this one lad. He would post the most beautiful poems about his dead wife/gf he never said which. But in his poems he told his story and you could just feel his pain. I sometimes wonder about him. Another person always posted on everyone’s posts. Went through a divorce. Lost his high dollar company. He was always […]
I have made a consiousness decision to die. I don’t know when. I know how. I just keep procrastinating. I tried writing my goodbyes but I can’t keep a straight thought anymore. I have 1 person I need to talk to. I keep putting it off. I know they would do anything in their power to stop me. It will just have to be a last minute phone call. If anything I just wish there is nothing after death. Imagine that? Just nothing. I don’t want to meet those I left behind again. I don’t want to answer why Because I can barely answer it […]
So helping you guys makes me feel a little bit better. Even if that means not sleeping until 2 in the morning as I try to stay awake to see your next message. I want to help you and let you know that you are not alone and that people understand what you are going through. but I am so tired. I help you and I’m dead inside half the time. i end up laying in bed not bored, not sad, not anything. i lay there and stare at the ceiling and just feel nothing at all. just static and dead. i see the new […]
Hey y’all. Still here for a bit. Anyone else tired in every atom of their body? It’s hard to type this. How is it not Friday night? I wanna sleep. Not go to work. That’s all my life is. Wake up. Work. Go home, sleep, repeat. I have a friend now. My friend is awesome. But why do I still feel lonely, abandoned, unwanted, unloved? I got ghosted twice in as many of weeks. Must be me. I don’t understand how I drive people off. It tears at my heart being so alone. I think today I said a total of 20 sentences…. To my […]
Well I don’t really have anyone else to tell this. And I don’t think I’ll write a note because who am I kidding, there’s no one to read it in my life anyways. I just feel that it’s time to take back up the attempts, get back to research and hopefully get the peace I want. Thanks to this community for the support. I’m not sure how long this will take. Iv already failed 3 times and I don’t want anymore pain. I’m just scared and in pain. I’m sorry that I can’t be fixed.
So a little information for y’all. I have no friends. Like zero. None ziltch. I haven’t had a friend in at least a year and any dating iv done hasn’t gone very well. Answer or not. Is anyone based in the west side of missouri? Around the KC area? I just need a friend. *Sigh*
To all the lost souls out there. You arnt alone. It’s okay to vent, to talk, to cry, to scream your lungs out here. You are heard when you post. Even if you don’t have a response yet it’s read. I know a few regulars who go through and read and respond to your posts. I’m always available as well to offer an open ear. Please be safe tonight everyone. Love y’all, this community is what keeps me sane.
Its so bad again. I keep powering through but I really just really ned to cut. I need my emotions to go away. I need to so bad but I know if I do it’ll open the door for more once again. I’m 3 years “clean from cutting but dear Lord i need it.
It’s been longer than half a year less than a full year since I was on here. I had many adventures on the road, i met my brother, I joined the airforce and then was seperated due to my lovely depression. I have made and lost girlfriends, I have made my way up mountains and across massive plains that are so freaking flat and now I’m home once again. Nothing has changed but myself. Home is exactly how I left it. My old friends are either headed nowhere in life after a very promising future and some people we never thought would make it have […]
Well everyone heres the plan. Im headed out tomorrow. Final destination. I was thinking seattle. First stop? Grand canyon. After that its anyones guess on where the road takes me. This isnt really a planned trip, i had a little money saved for odds and ends and am now selling my possessions i dont need. Pc, xbox, etc etc. Stuff that i cant use on the road or until i get settled into my new life whereever that may be. Im not hapy. I am nervous, excited, anxious for whats next. The new people ill meet. The new jobs down the line. The ocean the […]
Iv posted before. Maddison is being my friend. I keep asking myself if going away is what i want.. i feel like i keep asking my self about her. What if things work out? What do i do? How do i decide what i want? To move very far away or stay here for a maybe?
My second morning in misery after two years of happyness. Maybe the universe needed to balance it out? (If you dont know what im talking about read my other post) we certanly had our fights. Everyday wasnt a peice of cake. But we were happy. Yes we were happy. Now we are not. Maddison im sorry. I wish i could make it up to you. I can replay those moments before you said good bye that it was over. The long 10 minute hug, the second hug when i pulled back. The smile, the tears. I know what to do now. If only i could […]
It hurts. Iv delt with it for a long time. Not always for the best. I OD on a couple hundred asprin a few years back. I woke up feeling like i would have a heart attack. If i moved a single muscle, arm, leg, neck, i would throw up. My body did not want to die. After hours of convulsing in my bed i became terrified. I did not want to die. But i did. I was torn between my bodies terror and my minds willingness to go. I met a girl. I told her everything. She was my other half. My only friend, […]