Haven’t posted in a while. I created a blog to post all my thoughts, though I still lurked here. My blog has been compromised. Someone at work found it, reported it to my manager, and I ended up form 1’d a few nights ago. (Canadian, can’t leave the hospital till cleared by a psychiatrist.) I messed up. I have two blogs, one for my thoughts, one to sell stuff. I made the selling blog known at work, but I stupidly used the same handle for my posts on the other blog. I assume someone googled my handle and found the other site. Sigh, what’s done […]
Since my plans have been put into motion, I thought I would make one last attempt for help and saw my doctor today. Proscribed me 150mg of Wellbutrin to go along with my 200mg of Zoloft. Maybe the new drug will have an effect. Maybe I’ll quit smoking before I blow my brains out. Who knows! Better read up on this drug and see what i’m getting into.
How come when I set the goal to kill myself and begin working towards it I have this feeling of drive and passion, but when I set any other goal and work towards it, it feels like a waste of time.
I’ve begun taking inventory of everything I own. I’m building a simple website to list everything so I can sell it. The idea is instead of placing a million classified ads, I just post a few and link back to my site for a complete list of what’s for sale. The money earned should help me correct my finances. I don’t want to leave any […]
Well, I’ve been off my med (200mg Zoloft) for three weeks. Cold turkey. I was on it for both depression and anxiety.
The only difference I notice is that the physical symptoms of my anxiety have returned. That trembling sensation in my hands, nausea, sweating, flushing, etc. Anxiety levels and depression levels are the same.
Withdrawal effects were pretty tame. Nausea, head aches, dizziness, emotional lability (i.e. uncontrollable crying/laughter at odd times)
Hmm probably should go back. The physical symptoms of anxiety are a ***** and they are mostly visible to other people which is not good and in turn makes me more anxious.
My anxious is peeking and for the stupidest of reasons. I just want to go home, get in bed and sleep the next week away. There is a pretty high probability I am going to run into an ex next week. Ideally, I don’t want to run into her, nor have her know I’m in the building, but life likes to throw these tests at us.
Even though I am going to do everything in my power to avoid meeting face to face, I just can’t stop planning out how such a potential interaction will go. Why do I keep planning and analyzing a future situation […]
It may be more accurate to say I’m looking for a soul-healer. I don’t mean anything religious, but back in the time of the ancient Greeks, people would go to a philosopher to discuss the troubles of life, the troubles of the soul, in an attempt to find meaning or peace or whatever. But in today’s world soul-healing is now psychology and falls under the purview of medicine and the law.
Ideally, the client/therapist relationship should be a safe place for the client to talk to the therapist about anything. I believe that the only way the client/therapist relationship can work is if the client can […]
I’m thinking of stopping my anti-depressants cold turkey. I’m tired of the numbness. I want to feel what I’m supposed to feel without any masking by the meds.
Just looking for other people’s experiences. Was withdrawal really that bad? If in a couple weeks, I go back on the meds, will the withdrawal go away immediately, or in a few days?
I’m on 200mg of sertraline. Capsules. Can’t really taper them.
I just met someone a couple days ago and already they talking to me about their problems. Second person in a months’ time. I must give off some kind of aura or something that people feel comfortable opening up to me soon after meeting me. It’s true, I’m trustworthy, I actually listen, I actually give a damn, and I won’t judge. Probably cause I deal with my own issues every day. I don’t know.
So why can’t I help myself? Am helping others to somehow try to help myself? Am I hoping than once I’ve helped them, they will turn around and help me? Ah, but […]
I’ll admit it, I still think about her every day. I don’t want to. The memories are wrong, twisted. They don’t bring a smile, or a feeling of joy. They just bring me down. The happiest moments of my life, and they are all fake. Oh, at the time I didn’t know they were fake, but now I know. Lying in bed together, holding her as she fell asleep. The love I felt for her, the love she felt for me. The happiest moment. But it was a lie. There was no love from her, no feeling at all.
I burned whatever bridge was left […]
1. Would you leave a suicide note? Why or why not?
2. Any interesting suicide notes you have read?
Answer 1: Personally since I plan to just “disappearâ€, there will be no suicide note from me. But if for some reason my plan changes, I still don’t think I’d leave a note. Well, maybe some sort of encrypted note, that would lead whoever decodes it on a wild goose chase to another encrypted note, then another, then another, until the last note is something like; “Congrats! This has been as pointless as my life!â€
Answer 2: I’ve read Heisman’s and Manley’s. Actually, I didn’t read all of Heisman’s. Read […]
I’ve just realized I have a pretty big spending problem. It’s like I’m living pay check to pay check. I’m not sure why I’m doing it though.
Probably just buying some comfort for an hour that ends up making me feel like shit after.
I’ve been doing it quite often it seems. What is happening to me? Some sort of impulse behaviour to calm me? Trying to hold onto hope? Something more primal?
I don’t know. But I gotta stop. Bills need to be paid. Though maybe it’s been a hindrance to getting better? Or preventative measures to avoid getting worse.
Today is a bad day for some reason. Nothing happened. It’s just the depression is really hitting me today. I’m sitting here at work, bored out of my mind, which means my mind wanders, and I just want to go home and sleep. My body is so tired.
I don’t know what to write about. I was thinking about discussing depression. What is it? But I can’t think straight today.
I should go to the grocery store tonight. But I know when I get home I won’t. I’ll put it off for tomorrow. And when I’m lying around home tonight wondering why I have no food […]
Yeah, I’ve lost a lot of weight due to my depression. 40lbs in 4 months. I not really sure why I don’t eat. It’s not like I’m not hungry. I make a meal, eat half of it, put the rest in the fridge. The next day, I eat like half of the half and put it away. The next day I eat another half of a half of a half. I throw the last 1/8th of the meal out then. I try to force myself to finish, but it feels like I’m going to be sick if I take another bite.
Then I also get the […]
Why is depression such a relationship killer? If I want a successful relationship am I just supposed to hide the depression completely? Past experience has shown me that this seems to be the only option. The problem being is that as you start getting comfortable around someone the shiny façade starts to slip and reveals the ugliness underneath.
I’ve tried letting them know ahead of time. That I suffer from depression. For the most part the meds manage it, but there will days where it gets through. “Sureâ€, they say, “everybody gets down once and while, no worries.†But when they actually see it, they learn that it’s […]
So, I’ve been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. I was pretty sure I was suffering from this most of my life, just never bothered to get it checked. Why did I finally get it checked out? Out of love, but I don’t want to think about that…
75 apneas an hour. 30 is the threshold for severe apnea, so I have like super duper severe apnea. The doctor was surprised when he first saw me. He only sees that severe of apnea in the very obese, and I’m in no way a big guy.
Turns out I have abnormally large tonsils, so I’m probably going to have […]
Yeah I’m high, and this probably makes no sense, but whatever.
Let g represent what I want, my goal, where I want to be in the future.
Let a_1, a_2,…a_n be the steps required to reach g.
The nature of g implies that failure at any point a_i results in returning to a_1.
Let x be the amount of pain I feel when failure occurs such that x @ a_i > x @ a_i – 1.
Let y be the amount of happiness I feel, such that y @ a_i > z @ a_i – 1
i.e. the closer to the goal the more happiness/pain that […]
So, I was filling out my application for my possession and acquisition license (gun license, yay Canada!), and it turns out I need two references, people who have known me for at least three years.
I don’t know anybody except co-workers and I’m not going to ask them. Even if I did have people I could ask, I don’t want them to know that I’m in the process of acquiring a firearm.
Guess I’m going to have to make up a couple references, which is probably a federal offense, and hope they don’t check on my references. I doubt they check the references of every application, and […]
This has been said to me a lot. Did I really get better before? If so, how could the darkness overcome me so hard and fast again? Why doesn’t the darkness slowly recede, but continue to get darker and darker. Maybe I never did get better.
I was forced into therapy and meds about 10 years ago. Well, forced is too strong a word. I guess I could say I was pressured into it. I was just following orders. People know I’m weak and fold easily, will do what they say. Whatever, I’m deviating from the main point of this rant.
So was I better after that? […]
“They†say I should be more confident, believe in myself. But I think I am confident. I know I’m useless, boring, weak, etc. I accept it. I am confident in my uselessness. Isn’t that true confidence, accepting your faults? I’m not going to pretend I’m something I’m not. Why deny the truth? What’s the point in faking it?
I suffer from dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder as it’s called now. I’ve been like this since I was 13, so for 20 years I’ve been in this continuous depressed state, with the occasional bouts of major depression. I’ve been on meds for 10 years.
Sometimes I think maybe my natural state of being is depressed and the meds are just some sort of weight suppressing my true state. When I think this way I accept my depression. I accept I will never be happy. I accept I will never be loved. I have no hopes, wants or dreams. This is what I am. What I […]
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