My anxious is peeking and for the stupidest of reasons. I just want to go home, get in bed and sleep the next week away. There is a pretty high probability I am going to run into an ex next week. Ideally, I don’t want to run into her, nor have her know I’m in the building, but life likes to throw these tests at us.
Even though I am going to do everything in my power to avoid meeting face to face, I just can’t stop planning out how such a potential interaction will go. Why do I keep planning and analyzing a future situation that I don’t want to occur when all this planning does is making me feel like shit? I guess my biggest fear is her finding out I’m a complete mess compared to what I was. Also, I’ll admit, deep down I want the situation to occur and I am trying to figure out the best way to not come across as a complete ass, and maybe raise her opinion of me a few notches. And I’ll come up with this “perfect†scenario. And she’ll want me back. Blah, blah, blah.
Gah, this is why hope is terrible. It creates this light that is just out of your reach. Deep down you know you can never grasp that light, but you still reach for it and get burned in the process. Maybe that’s the process to hopelessness, continually getting burned as you reach for hope eventually causes you to give up on it all.
But at the end of the day, I’m pretty sure if an interaction occurs I will forget all of my “plans†and just do what I normally do, be civil, yet deeply cold behind a mask of happiness and say as little as I can. Then go home and analyze how I could have handled the situation better.
I wish I could say I’m completely over her, but like all the loves in my life, those flames still burn intensely. I can’t extinguish them. I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing.