im going to die. not in the metaphorical “eventually†sense but in the immediate future sense unless theese fucking doctors can figure out whats wrong with me. so basically im SOL. if anyone has anything to say to me, say it soon. there’s a good chance i wont be able to read it later
im alone. im depressed. im drunk again. another lonely night ruminating about how much of a fuck up i am
And so the story goes:
Psychiatrist: “so what do you have at home to help you cope”
Me: “i have my music”
P: “explain”
M: “i play music. i play the piano, the guitar, the bass, the dru-”
P: “yea yea yea and what happens if you cant do that anymore?”
M: “umm excuse me?”
P: “if you couldnt play music anymore. how would you cope?”
M: “i wouldnt”
P: “what?”
M: “i would slit my throat and die. because without music, my life is meaningless”
P: “that’s a pretty weak support system if you ask me. something so tangible and fragile as music. i mean, what happens when you get older and your dream of […]
Kill the lights because
The shows all over
And realize that
My time is up
The stage is set for
My own death
A suicide written by me
The pain of yesterday
Haunts me today
And I can’t live to see tomorrow
When all I know is hate
Disappear today andÂ
Leave the world to sway
In it’s cycle again
The list so long
Of things I’ve done wrong
Stapled to my note
Will show the world whyÂ
I deserve to die
All that’s left is to choose
Which method will remove
My spirit from my body for good
One last cut
One last smoke
One last glass […]
Its been a long time. Â I thought i was getting better, but i was dead wrong. Problems i thought had disappeared had only gone into remission. Major Depressive Disorder, Self Injury, Eating Disorders, all the problems i have, all hitting me at once again. Fuck.
A storyÂ
These scars tell a story
A story of me
My life, my feelings, my history
Each scar has it’s own meaning
This one on my wrist was from the day you kissed me goodbye and left me to die
These down my arm are from the months of self harm ending with an attemptÂ
These circles on my arm are lighter burns from the zippo I carved with your name on it
These scratches here and there are from the times someone else was there with me but yet I felt aloneÂ
This one on my chest is from where I was stabbed, this ring around my wrist […]
I’m not even afraid of dying. I think I’ve proven that much. No, I’m afraid of failing again. I can’t look everyone in the eyes while laying in a hospital bed again. Call me heartless, but idc what happens after I die. It’s the failing I can’t do again. It seems so easy to die. Every day theres stories on the news about someone who died quick and unexpectedly. Yet when I try, its slow and ineffective. It’s not fair. I’m no stranger to death. But he refuses to take me. I wish he’d take me. But all he does is sabatoge me. No firing […]
ive lost everything. My money, my friends, my family, my job. People keep telling me “oh you’re only 16 you’ve got your whole life ahead of you” but I know that’s total bs. Of those 16 years, I’ve been depressed for 6 and I’ve wanted to die for 4. I don’t want to see what life brings in 30 years. Because I already know what it’s gonna be like. Me miserable, alone, broke, probably homeless living off booze weed and ramen I cook using trash fires and a pot I stole from walmart. Trying to find a way to die but unable to actually do […]
i can’t write anymore. I don’t even have it in me to write poetry. I’m inches from another relapse and the only thing stopping me was the poems. I’ve got no more inspiration. I’m so low I can’t even express it. I want to go back. To cutting. To drugs. To cigarettes. To not giving a fuck about anything. Because this forcing myself to care about life is draining me. Maybe another attempt will set me straight. Maybe if I can just solidify my depression, I’ll never have to be happy again. I’m sure I’ve got more than enough razors and pills. Maybe I’ll drop […]
My nightmares
When children have nightmaresÂ
It’s usually of the dark
Fears born from lies
Thoughts born from the unknownÂ
Their dreams are plagued with monsters and ghosts, darkness and ghouls.Â
They wake up knowing that it was just a dream
That in reality there’s nothing to fear but fear itself
Oh how I wish I was still like that
Because in my dreams monsters serve me, ghosts fear me, ghouls fall for me and darkness is my kingdom.Â
these are my happy dreams
The ones I hope to relive
You see, my mind is kind of flipped on its lid.Â
My nightmares are of love
Of happiness
Of caring
ive made myself a tumblr account where Ill post poems n pictures. Same name as I’ve got here. N yes I’ll still put them here first. Speaking of which.
I saw you yesterday
You were sitting on the bench in an outdoor mall
And suddenly, all the feelings I had for you
Rushed to my head. I loved them all.
I’m sorry about what happened
The things I said wrong
And I understand
If you don’t want anything to do with me at all
But I thought you should know
That though it didn’t show
I haven’t forgotten you
You’ve been in my dreams since the […]
We all make choices
Some are easier than others
Like what to wear and what to eat
Others are harder
Like how to schedule our day and who to meet
But it seems like my choices are harder still
Something abnormal from all the rest
While my friends are deciding which movie is the best
I’m deciding if myself I’m going to kill
I feel so jealous of all those other kids
They seem to have all their shit together
While I sit here in the corner
Trying to keep my wrists together
While the rest smile I wear a frown
While some look up to the […]
This is my first non poem post in a long time. If you haven’t seen them, please look them up and tell me what you think. Anyway, on to the post.
I did it. I managed to get myself discharged from all psychiatric treatment. No more therapists, no more psychologists, no more meds or anything. It’s bittersweet. I knew they weren’t helping, but I don’t know what else to do. Everything they did wasnt working, so im back to my own methods of coping. So what if they’re unhealthy? They work. One joint makes me feel better for longer than a weeks worth of SSRIs. […]
Screams
Screams no one can hear
In the darkness there is silence and fear
The shouts uttered by a madman
Heard throughout the ward
He is the forgotten one
The one whose lost all hope
There’s nothing anyone can do
To help him cope with his pain
He talks to himself
His brain and body taking sides
Of his split personality:
One to live. One to die.Â
The voices in his head
Tell him he should be dead
And half his will wishes to oblige
Yet the memories of his friends
Keep him moving to mend his life
And live another day.Â
He’s got nothing left
Nothing left to hide
insanity. Rage. Hatred. These are the words that best describe me
For I can be the best of friends or the worst of enemies
I vowed never to hurt another living soul outside of a fight
So that I might be able to contain the fury inside
So the ignorant people who wander on through their day
Dont wind up with my fist in their face because of something they say
So physical punishment isn’t my M.O.
There are other means of torture. Many more.
I can turn your friends against you
I can get inside your mind
I can take everything you’ve ever known and
Turn […]
schools out for the summer
I don’t have to remember
To do my work
And keep my head above water
I can see past my past
Forget my exes
Forget my problems
And just be me
Life can seem to be better, but there’s always something lurking in the corners.
The monster, waiting to take me when I slip
The razor, waiting for a mistake
The darkness, waiting to overtake
I can fight it if I try
Now that I have time to enjoy life
I no longer wish to die so often
But still I know that in the corner is a coffin with my name on […]
this is the angriest poem I’ve ever written. It cones from the deepest footings of my hatred. Enjoy
I split my arms open every night to endure
The pain I am put through each day
All the fakeness all the lies I see through
Has done nothing to save my faith
I want to watch you burn. I want to see you die.
I want to see the light leave your eyes as I kiss you goodbye
And laugh the way you did when I tried to kill myself
You said that you’d be there for me
That’s one cut
You said that you’d stay true
That’s two
If theres anything out there
That’s supposed to be watching over me
I’m going to rip your throat out when I die
Cuz you haven’t done a single thing for me
If ye be a guardian angel I’ll rip off your wings
If ye be a king of kings I’ll knock you off your throne
If ye be just some cosmic entity I’ll make your eternal existence as miserable as you made mine
If there be nothing at all and only I am to blame
It is all the same to me
Because then I’ll be dead and have nothing but abyss ahead
And my mind will […]
Tomorrow is my judgement day
The day I’ll see if I will live
Because finals start on Wednesday
And I’ve given all I have to give
If I fail a final I fail the class
That will be the end if that
I’ll just commit suicide
And die
Tomorrow I find out if I can take the stress
That has been building up inside me
The last time finals came around
I wound up in The Oaks
Tomorrow i find out if my best friend is going to leave me
And never speak my name again
Once again I do know
I won’t be able to take […]
Everything about me is broken
my phone, my bank account, my heart
i wish someone would just take them
and give me a brand new start
I’ve gone through bullets and knives
through fire and ice
through volts and ropes
through drugs and loves
through suffocation and exoneration
And yet i still am alive
I beg for peace
i beg for calm
i beg for death
and yet nothing has happened but
pain
suffering
and silence.
I am broken, body and soul
nothing in this world will make me whole
because i am scattered in a million peices
and there’s no way i can find them all