Author

lulereign

Fathers

by lulereign 12/15/2016

written by lulereign

Sometimes I feel like smashing his face in.

I am thankful, and of course I respect and love my parents. But he has the worst temper and I fucking hate how a bad mood makes him become like a completely different person. I’ve never been close to my dad, and it’s only recently I’d decided to open up a bit more, but his shitty attitude whenever he gets annoyed really does me in.

He just takes every single wrong thing out on you, and it makes you feel worthless, useless, and just all together fucked up. The worst part is he doesn’t even realise what he’s doing, […]

12/15/2016 0 comment

Relapse

by lulereign 8/20/2016

written by lulereign

It’s been awhile since I wrote here. I’m so terribly ashamed that I don’t know who to go to. After almost 4 months of been clean, I just had to go do it. I realise that these things don’t disappear. It waits for a single moment of weakness and starts to fester again until it’s strong enough to tear you down.

the suicidal thoughts are back, although the it’s not as prominent as before. I don’t even know when they snuck up. I was so content, perhaps I was too complacent. And now all I can think of is to escape.

I wonder why people choose to […]

8/20/2016 4 comments

Friends

by lulereign 3/22/2016

written by lulereign

I feel that friendship is more fragile and more important compared to a relationship. I don’t know, but it’s like whenever my friends suddenly act cold, it hurts so fucking bad I just add a few more cuts just to be able to feel. Fucking hell it makes no sense.

Honestly, it really fucking terrifies my how much of a hold this person has over me. All she has to do is say a word, and I think I’ll just fucking crumble. She’s not even the person I’m in a relationship with. But I’d rather lose him than her. It’s really difficult and just tiring to […]

3/22/2016 1 comment

Relapse

by lulereign 1/9/2016

written by lulereign

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here. Things have actually been looking up. I told my parents through my counsellor about my self harming and suicidal thoughts. They were surprised, but I wasn’t chewed out like I expected to be.

Anyway, I’d thought that things would change. But I realise that they really don’t get it. They still don’t get it and I give up. My parents talk about my cutting as though it were a joke, especially
my dad.

My parents seem to have told my brothers about it, and they make fun of my scars. I mean, it’s difficult to stop thinking about it, but […]

1/9/2016 2 comments

Just feeling terribly alone

by lulereign 10/12/2015

written by lulereign

I’d managed to stop relapsing several times, especially after my university counsellor informed my parents of my so called ‘suicidal thoughts’. But that horrible feeling of spiralling down into an endless black hole returned, and I just really don’t know who to go to anymore. I suppose I’ll continue dealing with these shitty feelings. I just really want to know if this is depression or bipolar disorder, or am I just having a bad day. I’ve been having these ‘episodes’ for close to 7 years now, and I’d always thought that everyone felt this way. Now that I realise that it’s not, I just want […]

10/12/2015 1 comment

Onision – Now very Unsure

by lulereign 7/28/2015

written by lulereign

I really don’t know what to feel about myself at the moment. I’m not sure how to word this, but I just go ahead anyway. I’ve recently been watching Onision videos since he popped out on my Recommended List.

I checked out his videos on cutting on a whim, and frankly speaking, he’s super blunt. I’m not going to lie, the way he says it all, about how cutting is ‘attention whoring’, and that cutters are ‘stupid, and crazy’ kinda hit me hard. He says that I should be grateful that I have a roof over my head and a good education and all the opportunities […]

7/28/2015 5 comments

It’s not enough.

by lulereign 6/26/2015

written by lulereign

I never believed when people said cutting was an addiction. But now it’s just not enough. I used to do baby cuts – just little ones – but a few of them at a time. They were small enough to go unnoticed even though I still wear short sleeved clothes. I didn’t want anything to be too obvious to people, but recently I’m noticing the are getting more inflamed and irritated – it kinda stands out too much.

Also I’ll admit I was scared of the pain. Initially that tiny pinprick was enough, but now it doesn’t hurt ENOUGH anymore. I want to cut deeper, but […]

6/26/2015 1 comment

I shouldn’t have done it.

by lulereign 6/24/2015

written by lulereign

I regret it completely.

I tried talking to my school counsellor, and another lecturer whom I hoped could trust with this problem. I just felt so hopeless that I thought that perhaps telling someone would lessen it (I don’t know, it was a moment of weakness).

Not only did that lecturer betray confidentiality – she told the counsellor that I wanted to commit suicide (which it do not) – and according to protocol she may have to report me. I couldn’t believe it. You can’t trust anyone, no matter what they swear or promise.

It was awful. The counsellor indirectly blamed me for her not being able to […]

6/24/2015 5 comments

Does it get better?

by lulereign 6/23/2015

written by lulereign

I’m a med student.

I’ve recently started cutting – just yesterday in fact – and it hurts. I’d gone and bought carpet blades and tested it, but the feeling when the blade cuts across kinda makes me cringe. But the aftermath – the little pinprick of pain that follows, is amazing. It’s constantly there, and I can FEEL it.

Does it get better? I want to feel that pain, but the starting part just kinda puts me off. It’s he constant pain that makes it so worth it. I’d woken up this morning and added three more cuts, but like I said, the starting part isn’t that pleasant.

I’d […]

6/23/2015 2 comments