Author

melodychild

can’t die

by melodychild 10/26/2016

written by melodychild

for most of the day today I’ve been thinking about killing myself. my thought was, if I’m not good at life, then I shouldn’t be living. this makes perfect sense to me.

but I just remembered I can’t kill myself. like physically can’t. I’ve tried so many times in the past and I can never take that final step. can’t jump of the bridge, but all set to go. always seeking help after pills

i guess that means I don’t want to die, but I do. or more, I don’t want to live. this life I’m in, I’m terrible at it. I can’t seem to achieve anything

i […]

10/26/2016 6 comments

date passed

by melodychild 11/8/2015

written by melodychild

the date has passed

The date I set to die

Reallized I wasn’t ready

Hadn’t gotten my things in order

My room wasn’t cleaned

My suicide notes not perfected

And now I’m sitting here

Wondering if I should do it at all

Should I really give up on life?

Only I can answer that

I don’t want to continue on like this

And I’m too afraid to change

Scared I’ll end up back here like every other time

Scared that they’re right

I can’t do it

I’m too scared to make a move either way

Too scared to change

To scared to end it

I’m lost

I don’t know what to do

I keep waiting for an answer to present itself

But I know the answer […]

11/8/2015 6 comments

sleep

by melodychild 11/2/2015

written by melodychild

I used to sleep all day and all night. Now I sleep all day but I’m awake all night. I’m scared to go to bed. I fear the day that comes next. I don’t want it to be tomorrow don’t want to wake up and pretend not to be miserable. Don’t want to have to see people, talk to them. Interact with the kids that is my job. I’m just scared.

11/2/2015 2 comments

pain

by melodychild 10/28/2015

written by melodychild

theres always pain, sometimes it goes away but only for an hour or so. it hurts too much to be alive. I hate that I have to wait a week or two before I end it. my friends birthday is coming up and it would just be cruel to ruin it, so here I am wasting away.

10/28/2015 4 comments

here I am again

by melodychild 10/21/2015

written by melodychild

so again I’m saying I quit. I’ve posted before saying I planned to end it, and obviously changed my mind. Well I’m back with a new plan. I did a little research, picked out my date. The steps are in motion. I’m tired of going back and forth and honestly I don’t want help. I don’t want to get better. I know I can’t. I did the math and I’ve had sucidal thoughts for around 8 yrs. I first tried to kill myself in 8th grade so I was around 12. And since then it’s been back and forth. I’ve tried to end it so […]

10/21/2015 2 comments

suicide season

by melodychild 10/16/2015

written by melodychild

I live in a pretty rural area I guess you’d call it. In the last few months 4 people around here have committed suicide. I knew one of them vaguely from school long ago. I feel like this is a sign telling me it’s ok if I go too. One of them killed himself on my planned death day, the day after my birthday. I wasn’t able to go through with it because my dad had decided to stay home. I know that might be a sign too. The thing is, I could go on, maybe. I don’t think it’d be worth it and I […]

10/16/2015 4 comments

please leave

by melodychild 10/4/2015

written by melodychild

I still think of you

more often than I’d like to admit

it still hurts to hear your name

i wish you’d leave my mind

sometimes I want to go after you

but I know that’s not what you want

i understand why you had to leave

I just wish you didn’t

I feel terrible for what I did

what I excepted of you was too great

I got too mad

said and did terrible things

im sorry, and I think you know that

you just don’t care

you left me to save yourself

and that’s ok

i just wish you’d come back

I miss you

I miss our friend ship

I wish things could go back to the way they were

but I know […]

10/4/2015 3 comments

lunar eclipse!!!

by melodychild 9/27/2015

written by melodychild

There’s an eclipse tonight and everyone should watch it of they can! it’s gonna be amazing and may lift your spirits even if just for a little while! it’s a wonderful event that’s truely magical and I hope some of you get to experience it!

9/27/2015 14 comments

scared to change

by melodychild 9/25/2015

written by melodychild

I’ve thought a lot about this and I think I’m scared to be happy. I’ve been miserable for so long it’s all I know. I’m scared to change, scared to start doing things and taking chances. Scared to smile. Does anyone else feel this way or at least understand?

9/25/2015 18 comments

can’t kill myself today

by melodychild 9/25/2015

written by melodychild

i was all excited to at least try to die. didn’t think I’d succeed but hopefully I’d get a better sense on how to do it. But the new washer is being delivered and my dad decided to stay home for it. I’m pretty pissed.

9/25/2015 3 comments

my birthday

by melodychild 9/24/2015

written by melodychild

it’s my birthday and I’m as sad as ever. I’m hiding from everyone, ignoring calls and texts. I don’t think my family even knows I’m home right now. 20 years and I have nothing to show for it. Being anything but sad an empty is a foreign feeling for me. I just want to hang myself tomorrow. I doubt I’ll go through with it but I want to. All I want to do is cry. but I’ve cried too much, and I can’t in front of my family. I don’t want to talk about it with them. there’s nothing they can do and they just […]

9/24/2015 7 comments

I’m so conflicted

by melodychild 9/20/2015

written by melodychild

I wanted to kill myself this coming Friday. But then I got this email offering me some work. I don’t like to let people down. the work is scheduled for the Monday after my planned Friday. And I have all this “hope” inside that I can make things better, That should be a good thing, but I’m scared. I’ve gone through this cycle so many times. And after hope comes despair again. So many times have I decided on suicide but then decided against it only to come back to it again. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.

9/20/2015 6 comments

a week left

by melodychild 9/19/2015

written by melodychild

Im so excited! I only have a week left untill I’m out! till I’m done with life. Friday will be my death day, one day after my birthday. I could stick around and go through all the work of getting better, but I don’t want to. I know it’s selfish and I accept that. I know people will hurt, that’s why I’ve written each one a letter. I just gotta clean up some stuff, pick out the tree and I’ll be gone on Friday for sure 🙂

9/19/2015 6 comments

death on birthday

by melodychild 9/18/2015

written by melodychild

my birthdays coming up, and I think I’ll kill myself. Or maybe I’ll wait till the day after, for Friday. That way no one will be expecting me somewhere. i work for two hours each weekday morning. So if I wait till Friday my week is done. I think Friday is the way to go. but I’ll wait and see what I feel Thursday

9/18/2015 11 comments

tough love

by melodychild 9/12/2015

written by melodychild

I just want to say that I think, for the most part, tough love does not work with people who are going through mental distress. I cannot simply get up and get help. the simple act of getting out of bed is hard. So anything more complex than that is extremely daunting and your tough love isn’t making it seem more appealing.

9/12/2015 5 comments

Broken

by melodychild 9/8/2015

written by melodychild

I am broken

I fear I’ve always been this way

what was it that broke me?

i doubt anyone could say

the doctors are confused

I lived a good life

supporting parents

no abuse

yet I’m broken

i often pretend I’m not

pretend I’m whole

pretend I’m happy

but I can never pretend for long

9/8/2015 2 comments

death

by melodychild 9/7/2015

written by melodychild

death,

it calls to me

I want to answer

but I am afraid

i know answering will be so much easier

than letting it ring

hearing that call

day

after

day

but people say not to answer

say to let death find you

instead of looking for it

9/7/2015 0 comment

the knife

by melodychild 9/6/2015

written by melodychild

I’m back to the knife

not the sharp ones I’m used to

don’t want to cut too deep

but can’t seem to cut deep enough

can’t draw blood

too afraid

too afrad to relapse

needing medical attention

having people worry

seeing the pain in their eyes

but I want to draw blood

not too much

just a little

but I can’t seem to do it

all I make are red marks on my arm

like scratches from a stick

9/6/2015 0 comment

I’m alive

by melodychild 8/23/2015

written by melodychild

I was planning on dying this week. But I didn’t have the balls to do it, or the opportunity really. So now I’m alive, I haven’t exactly decided to live but yet here I am. Now I have no idea how to go forward. Work starts on Monday and I’m gonna have to be happy. can’t really be depressed around little kids. I’m scared. So scared to move on. I worked for a summer camp and did horrible, the lady implied that I shouldn’t be working with kids, yet here I am. All the jobs I have lined up for the fall are with kids. […]

8/23/2015 2 comments

you guys are great

by melodychild 8/16/2015

written by melodychild

when I go on here and voice my thoughts and feeling, everyone is accepting, and it’s wonderful. No one freaks out and calls an ambulance to whisk me away to the hospital. no one tells me that I should ashamed of thinking about killing myself. They understand and it’s wonderful to know that I am not alone. No one I know has had even close to the same thoughts that I have everyday. they on,y get sad when something sad happens. it’s not a constant thing inside their bones.

8/16/2015 2 comments

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