I’ve started writing my long and confusing rambling dark thoughts down in a pretty little notebook instead of typing them and posting them here, for the time being. It seems that physically using a pen and paper is a better way to let some of the sadness out and clear my mind than typing is… it’s more ‘real’ in some ways, I suppose.
Anyway, I’ve decided to give myself 2 years until I make any big decisions. In the next 2 years I’m going to try and make my life worth living and worth seeing a future to. I want to somehow reach the stage […]
Looking in the mirror is often a strange experience for me. When I look in the mirror, I don’t usually hate what I see. I don’t have too many insecurities and I usually like my features and my long, curly hair. The problem is, I’m never sure what else I’ll see when I look at my reflection. There are times when I look at my face and I look so scarily like somebody else and it shocks me that no one else can see it. I’m permanently exhausted, as you can tell from the hollowness below my eyes. My lips refuse to twitch into an unreal […]
I just wrote an angry hate letter to basically the whole ‘class of 2012’ at my school that I will never send. It was supposed to make me feel better, but came out more like a suicide note so I don’t know what that indicates… I am quite pleased with the closing line, though:
“Just know that actions have consequences and you have managed to massively dent one person’s faith in humanity and that is unimaginably dangerous and now too late.”
Writing that letter did make me wonder who at that hell of a school would care if I went through with it, if this subconscious […]
I feel like I’m on the edge of a breakdown of some kind. And I’m terrified and I can’t tell anyone. I just sit around and sleep all day, too tired to do anything productive, but I’m still tired. My room’s a mess and I hate it, but I just can’t find the energy to tidy it properly. I keep trying to study for the exams I have coming up, but that just scares me and makes me cry uncontrollably for no apparent reason. And I think that sooner or later I will break apart and I don’t know what to do. My indifference to […]
I just read a definition for suicide calling it a cry for help. It really annoyed me, because in my opinion it’s the exact opposite. Suicide happens when we feel there is no help to be given whatsoever, suicide is when we can’t help ourselves and can’t be helped by anyone else. Suicide is deciding that we’ve had enough of this fucking world and don’t want any help staying in it. The only way suicide could possibly be a cry for help would be if it was a purposely messy and obvious attempt, or if the person told a shitload of people their plans, or […]
I have the option of taking discounted driving lessons through school. I am one of the few people my age who flatly rejected this offer. I don’t want to learn to drive. There are a few reasons for this that I’ve explained to people- traffic freaks me out and I’m scared of somehow killing someone- but although both are true, the main reason I don’t want to drive is the temptation.
If I had a car and the ability to drive, it would be all too simple to purposely crash into a wall or something really fast (although I’d never let it kill another, I’d make […]
It’s almost 11 AM and it’s a beautifully warm day outside. But I have been awake for hours and I’m still lying in my bed in my messy room feeling sad. Part of me really wants to go outside and enjoy the rare UK sunshine, but there’s something stopping me: i’m just really not feeling up to speaking with my family, or with anybody to be honest. And I know that this is stupid and lying in a dark bedroom feeling sad will just make it all feel worse. But I can’t do it… I can’t go out and pretend everything is okay and normal […]
At this stage in our lives we seem to be living in two different, yet unreachable universes: the past and the future. When we’re together, we often reminisce about old times, back when we were young and innocent and nothing bad happened that couldn’t be fixed. When we’re not reflecting on our shared history, we’re looking ahead to our futures; future plans and future goals and wishes and dreams. And to an extent, looking back and looking forward are both wonderful things to do; often they’re reminders that happy times did happen and better things may lie ahead…
But  we only exist in those two states: […]
Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up feeling okay, but then suddenly the sadness hit and I descended into the darkness again, thinking dangerous thoughts yet feeling dangerously numb and empty. I ended up lying in my bed for hours, too exhausted to move and too empty to cry, but too sad to sleep. Eventually, I got myself out of bed and tried to shake the sadness. I ended up in my kitchen, heating up a pizza. I couldn’t eat more than a few bites- it wasn’t exactly that I wasn’t hungry and I’m not dieting, it was just that I found the act […]
It’s like you’re trapped inside yourself, you can’t escape unless you allow yourself to escape- but there’s a cage there preventing your escape and every time you manage to break one of the walls down, another higher wall builds up, separating you from everything and everyone else and making escape all the more impossible. And the more you try, the harder it gets. And you’re trapped inside yourself, so you’re sitting there and everything hurts and you want to curl up and cry for hours, but you continue to just sit there, somehow feeling numb and being in pain at the same time. And you […]
I’m writing this on my phone because I am in school and it is lunchtime and I feelunbelievably depressed and there is nobody here I can talk to in this way… Anyway, I feel possessed with the desire to jump from a top floor window, to cut myself all the way up my arm and to just curl up in a ball for hours and scream. I want to scream and shout and just cry for a long time, but I can’t. I can’t do these things because I am at school and nobody here knows how deeply depressed I feel a lot if the […]
I have this one so-called friend who’s always calling me pessimistic and way too negative. She’s one of those intensely annoying types, unbelievably selfish but able to hide that trait under a mask of caring before backstabbing for her own enjoyment. The kind of girl who asks how much work you’ve been doing just so she can brag about how hardworking she is before starting on at you and making you feel like crap… Basically, she’s poisonous.
But yeah, she likes to call me a pessimist which I am not. I’m not a pessimist at all, I’m simply a realist who’s tired of bullshit and doesn’t […]
Sanctuary by Paradise Fears.
This song is incredible and I can’t explain how much I recommend you listen to it. It’s one of those songs that understands you and makes you feel just a little less alone and gives you hope and comfort.
There’s a speech in the middle and the words are so inspiring and comforting. Just please, please listen to it even if you just want to hear a good song.
I found this song when I needed it, and I really hope it helps you as well. If you’re looking for a sign that things will be okay and you’re not alone, this is it.
One of the things that’s stopping me from killing myself is the fact that I’ll be a corpse which will have to be disposed of. I know it’s stupid, but I hate the thought of being buried, but I also hate the thought of being cremated. I don’t want to be a corpse at all really, I just want to literally disappear into thin air. I’m not sure why this bothers me so much, because I know that my body’s basically just a shell of who I am, but it does. I don’t want to be a corpse and I’m not sure why I care […]
Right now you’re sitting in your room, all alone and feeling sad. There are a thousand things you know you could do that will cheer you up, but you can’t find the energy to do any of them. And so you just sit there and feel sad. You’d listen to music, but you know that won’t take your mind of things. Because the music you like has words and emotions, right now you can barely speak and can’t help feeling nothing but apathy for the world and everyone in it. Nothing matters and it’s all pretty meaningless. And then you’re suddenly thinking about the meaning […]
I’ve gone through the years hating myself progressively more.
I remember a few years ago, I had this constant belief that I was fat and must lose weight, so I ate virtually nothing for a while.
I remember feeling fat when I did eat and attempting to make myself throw up.
I remember feeling so sad I’d go home, crawl into bed and cry for hours.
I remember sitting in lessons and subtly scraping my nails across my skin and just feeling raw.
I always preferred scratching to cutting, it just felt more real, more physical…and easier to lie about.
The suicidal thoughts didn’t start until after most of that had […]
Not at all sure if this makes sense to anyone but me:
I feel completely trapped in this world at times, and I don’t mean that purely metaphorically.
What I mean is that I feel stifled by earth itself, and the way it’s unescapable.
I want to jump of the earth and into the universe, if that makes any sense.
Our world just feels too small and restricted.
No matter how far in the world I travel, it will never be far enough.
Because I’ll still be on earth.
I want to be in the galaxy, amongst the stars.
By that I mean literally.
I don’t mean that I want to die in order […]
For a week I was able to stay away from thoughts of suicide and I was able to keep myself busy enough to barely notice my sadness. But that all came crashing down yesterday before resulting in this strange mixture of apathy and sadness I feel right now.
I hate feeling nothing.
Feeling nothing is as bad as feeling massively miserable, if not worse due to the guilt that goes with not giving a shit about stuff you know you should give a shit about.
I have important exams this year, it less than a fortnight’s time but I have yet to make myself care enough to study […]
I recently learnt that my dad, a police officer, suffered from PTSD after seeing a woman stabbed to death. Apparently, the thing that kept coming back to him was the sound she made as she was dying. This sound was linked back to a noise I apparently made as a 1 year old, when I had a fit and almost died. My almost-death was apparently the worst memory for him and tested his mental health.
I can’t imagine what my real death might cause.
So I can’t do it to him.
I can’t even think about it now.
I love my family far too much to destroy them in […]
Right now I feel sad. For the first time in ages, I’m not angry, not depressed, not even numb and barely suicidal.
Just sad.
But I feel worse than usual because of that.
Because I know that all it will take to cheer me up is a hug from the right person for the right length of time.
I just want someone to hold me, really hold me.
Not a brief hug, not a surprise hug, just a long, warm embrace.
And what kills me right now is that there’s no one I can hug in that way right now.
And there hasn’t been for years.
And right now, my sadness is making […]