the mask is off…but

I’m writing this on my phone because I am in school and it is lunchtime and I feelunbelievably depressed and there is nobody here I can talk to in this way… Anyway, I feel possessed with the desire to jump from a top floor window, to cut myself all the way up my arm and to just curl up in a ball for hours and scream. I want to scream and shout and just cry for a long time, but I can’t. I can’t do these things because I am at school and nobody here knows how deeply depressed I feel a lot if the time. And today I’m pretty sure that the mask slipped and I’ve accidentally let some of my sadness show and I’m pretty sure I just list two friends due to my ridiculously depressing comments that I let slip. And I really want to get out of this, I want to be able to put a real smile on my face and believe it myself. But I can’t because I keep trying and it just isn’t working anymore. I know that this is pushing people away from me but I can’t make myself care enough to try and that scares me. If I could be normal and happy I would be. But I can’t and I’m not and i’m just a fucked up girl with stupidly curly hair, trouble walking without stumbling and a fear of falling that’s ruining everything else, added to a loud voice internally screaming that my death would make us all happy.