Right now I feel sad. For the first time in ages, I’m not angry, not depressed, not even numb and barely suicidal.
Just sad.
But I feel worse than usual because of that.
Because I know that all it will take to cheer me up is a hug from the right person for the right length of time.
I just want someone to hold me, really hold me.
Not a brief hug, not a surprise hug, just a long, warm embrace.
And what kills me right now is that there’s no one I can hug in that way right now.
And there hasn’t been for years.
And right now, my sadness is making me feel really, really lonely.
I crave physical closeness, but I know I won’t get it.
Because people don’t want to cuddle me until I feel okay.
Because somehow I’ve isolated myself from that kind of closeness.
Because I’m considered funny, intelligent and untouchable but never desirable or vulnerable.
Because I’m just some unexplainably and unreasonably and unnecessarily screwed up girl who’s both terrified and fearless at the same time.
Because I feel some things really deeply, but other things not at all.
Because I can’t help but automatically hide things about myself really, really well.
I want to be able to open up, but I can’t.
And until I can open up, I never will get the embrace I so desperately need right now.
4 comments
Exactly…
Open up, you well get what you need. If you are fearless as you mentioned go and TRY…
Thats my problem, I want a girl, I want to be loved, I want what I can’t have, because I am to scared. To scared to say hi to a pretty girl, to scared to try and improve my life. I am so lonely, I have hundreds of friends, but they can’t fill the hole in my heart I created..I am sad, and it is my fault..As you mentioned, I want the same thing you said..But I am a biggo *****.
I’ve been having this feeling for the past week too, but for me it seems to be a phase.
What I wish for is a spoon hug with someone intimate. I hug myself asleep at night for the past few days. But I know I will never find a person to share this hug with, its like they’re…intangible, something from a fairytale.
Wish you all the best.
@ EndTheAgony ~~~ It is no fairytale. I have said this many times, on many posts.
It just takes time. You will find that “one”. I Promise! And it is going to be so amazing. When it does happen, remember that I told you so..=]
I wrote a couple of posts about this difficulty with finding closeness when depressed.
They ar called;
the Black Velvet Curtain
the Mentor
Read them and let me know what you think.
Peace