nuclearbackpack

No friends,no job, don’t wanna do anything, severe depression and lost the will to live, look like shit. Hours and hours to kill alone in the house. Silence.  Soon it will be getting colder and I always feel worse then.

I’m in Hell.  Let me out.

Those who have access to a quick method.  Doesn’t it make it easier to live, knowing you can get out at any time? I live in Britain where ownership of certain items easily obtainable in the US is very restricted.

http://toronto.ctvnews.ca/new-charge-against-toronto-officer-in-relation-to-teen-s-suicide-in-high-park-siu-1.3015085

I simply have to go.  My only future is monumental suffering and humiliation. And endless hospitalisations.

Yes it will cause shock and suffering among these left behind  [who I love]  but this life simply is not for me.   That is how it is.

I’m in hell because I’m a loser and a misfit. A loner.

It feels so cruel that society / nature creates people like me. People who suffer lives of agony that they cannot change.  I don’t know how long I have left, but if I had an easy way out, I’d have gone long ago.

All you people with friends, partners, sanity – you don’t know how lucky you are.  I know most here know this. Look at me and see how bad things can get – I’m headed for psychosis due to my loneliness, there’s no hope for me,  a quick painless death is the best […]

Lost the will to live, don’t wanna do anything  depressed beyond help. Day drags, every minute feels like an hour. No job, no friends, no social life, only insanity to look forward to.  Of course I do not possess an easy exit method, oh no.

What a life.  God just kill me NOW

I’m a month out of psychiatric ward and for the last ten days my internet was off.  When you’re an almost psychotically depressed hermit like me needless to say you can’t do without the net for long. I’ve been researching suicide methods and they all seem complicated, thinking of drowning but opinions on whether that’s painless or not are mixed.

Since my depression worsened earlier this year I’ve begun to see the world as even more brutal animalistic place, it’s quite terrifying.  I think I’ve reached the point of no return – even the things I’d accepted about myself – social isolation, ugliness, social inadequacy – […]

Does anyone have a bleaker life than me?  Here is a typical day: wake around 10am, try and get more sleep, fail.  Get up feeling very anxious, don’t want to go out in the mornings, too scared.  Jog on the spot for a few minutes in my living room, read [even though I don’t like reading in case I start obsessing about things I’m reading about] for a bit. Repeat this for hours.  Maybe spend an hour on the net.

Go out for an hour or two at one of my parents [my only social contacts] early evening.  Get stressed at parent’s house, leave crying [will […]

Give me the courage to end this hell.  I’m not made for this world and my agonizing life of severe depression is only going to end up getting even worse: mental illness.

Release me from this horrific burden and do it as soon as possible.  You’ve watched me, you know I’ve struggled to stay alive for my family but there is only so much I can take, you know that.

How do you live when you don’t want to do anything?  When doing anything is painful? How do you cope with not wanting to get out of bed?  What do you do when your will to do nothing at all is so strong?  How do you keep from going insane through lack of activity?

The pills ain’t working and they won’t give me ECT. I’m truly , truly, fucked.

How did you feel immediately before, and for that matter in the days leading up before you attempted when you knew you were planning to exit?

Did you feel calm, or hysterical, immediately before?

I am planning to go this week and I am starting to get a very morbid feeling, kind of what I will leave behind. I’ve no idea how I’ll feel immediately before but as I am not able to secure a quick painless exit I guess I’ll be very scared.

I have suffered severe depression for a long time and now I fear it will develop into mental illness.  Depression I can tolerate, but […]

And I’m more determined than ever to exit this torture.

Those of you who have access to an easy and quick method are very lucky.  For me it will be falling from a height, drowning or hanging.  I’m obviously deeply agitated by the effect on my parents and brother but my agony simply has to end.  I have lost the will to live and just lie in bed all day getting more and more stressed and no doubt, insane.  It’s not a life, it’s purgatory.  And when winter arrives god knows how I’ll cope – its always a time my mood gets worse and will to […]

[UK]

They are so fucking horrible and boring that you begin to believe that the outside world is not so bad after all.  And it is like being in prison if you are there compulsorily, you realise how precious freedom is. The people who work in them are very good though.

5 days I was in, I thought I’d end up being there for week or months, there’s no way I could have handled that, I actually thought I was going to kill myself this morning.

Then, just after lunch I had a quick chat with a shrink and he informed me I could go home, to my […]

Is there a crueler time of year for outcasts misfits and uglies like me?

It’s sunny & hot, it’s light until late, the world is going on outside your door and you are stuck indoors because you are deeply depressed, unsociable and unwanted.  Those who had the luck to be able to fit in are living it up and life for them compared to yours is a joy.

Really, hell can’t be worse than this. Three decades I’ve lived this solitary life, I had come to accept it but lately I’m just running out of steam , and descending into mental illness.

My death will be an act […]

I’m a loser, a misfit, I look like I been dragged through hell.  Every day I walk around the world feeling like excrement next to the genetically favored.  Really, there’s no room at all for the weak.  I’m dependent on my parents which is another kick in the teeth ‘cos I reckon they fcuked me up to begin with.  I see how many friends they have how sociable and happy they are compared with me and it’s a bad joke.  Every day is a nightmare of pain anguish and deep depression for me and now I am sliding into psychosis,  really I have to disappear […]

This planet being destroyed by us humans is the best thing ever.  Why?  Because life is unbelievably cruel and agonizing for the weak.

I live in a quite poor area and most people you see are angry and unhappy and bitter.  Tonight I was threatened with a beating for a trivial reason by one of these bitter little shits looking for an excuse to push his weight around or vent his stress at his crappy station in life.  He obviously decided that he could have the beating of me because of his size, which makes him a fucking coward aswell as a bully. But this is […]

I bet I’m not the only one here that does the lottery and prays they’ll win and rescue themselves from the torture of poverty despair and loneliness,.  Then of course you read about winners and it’s usually fuckers who’ve already got everything or people who stay in their shitty jobs, nearly always people in couples with decent jobs friends and often not badly off either, a fuckin millionaire who lives near me won once, I felt like killing the cnut.  Still at least the lottery exists and is a desperate lifeline for doomed desperate cnuts like me!!  Yes I know this is bitter but I […]