Melon_Lord

I feel like at this point, I’m starting to accept that whatever is going on with me probably won’t ever go away. 
No matter how much I wish it would or how much I plead for happiness, or beg for something, anything better, It’s not going anywhere.

A couple years back in my freshman year of high school my mother believed I was suicidal, but I don’t think that was the case.
I don’t think I’ve ever really been suicidal, but I do fantasize about death.
If I were to die, would it matter? It’s only another part of life, and the world keeps […]

It bothers me that nobody really mentions the empty part of depression. I’m talking about the times where there’s not actually anything wrong, nothing is happening but at the same time I feel so depressed it physically hurts my heart.
It’s so silly though. To think that something simple like brushing my teeth or putting on socks seems like such a daunting task. Everything feels so heavy all at once but at the same time, I can’t feel anything.
It’s embarrassing too.
I try keep it under control, but there are times where I’ll go five or more days straight without showering just because […]

Tomorrow is my seventeenth birthday. Technically it’s in 1 hour, 23 minutes, and 7 seconds.

I should be happy, grateful even.
I don’t really know if I am allowed to be underwhelmed, but that’s the truth.
I feel so selfish for not wanting to celebrate or do much. I’m not trying to, but in reality I’ll just end up ruining it for everybody. My heart is as heavy as stones, and it’s dragging people down with me.
What a bummer, I know.

I wish the world was prettier than it actually is.
I feel so extinguished and saddened because I wish, I just wish I was in a different universe than this.
One that isn’t filled with so much rage and aggression and anguish and despair and horrible awful miserable devastation and loneliness.
I long for a world that is liberating. A place full of color and beauty, dreamers, adventure, peace, kindness, and simple joy from the sheer kiss of freedom.
A world without the constricting pressure of society and the absurdity of our social network. I wish this world weren’t so judgmental, so hateful, […]

My birthday is coming up soon. I’ll be seventeen, but I don’t feel excited like I’m supposed to. I honestly don’t feel much at all. My big brother left recently for the military, We don’t have family here except my cousins who, mind you, aren’t blood related. I love them, but it’s not the same.

It’s just me and my parents.
I don’t mind really, but at the same time, I feel jealous when I see the kids who get to go out, or throw big parties, or do things without a care in the world.
My best friend tells me about […]

It had been such a good day. For once, it was good.
He and I were texting like we do every day, and then it all came to a screeching halt the minute he told me how some random girl, “about early 20’s” came up to him, said something about how she needed to get rid of the flowers she was holding, gave them to him and left. And he was in awe.
It was all he could talk about, was a stupid girl and her flowers. (Emphasis on the stupid part.)
He texted me, telling me all about it. How she just got in […]

why am I like this,
like a ball of wadded up paper, can’t I just focus and be normal and SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
they wont stop yelling “HEY”
Everything is so pointless, but I need to at least try- WHY “AREN’T YOU TRYING!!”
i’m sorry sorry sorry i’m trying I swear I just need more time, and maybe more effort, but my bed feels so nice..and maybe I can take a nap..
Maybe I won’t wake up and- “PAY ATTENTION”

“Yeah my bad”
“sorry I forgot”
“I’m just really tired”
So so so tired
tired of the cycle that […]

The world tells us so many things, feeds us plenty of lies, and way too much bullshit.

I’m so sick of being sexualized for wearing a plain shirt with bra straps underneath. God forbid, I’m a woman, and GOD FORBID I wear a bra.

I’m tired of being catcalled on the sidewalk while walking home from the library by 30 year old white men yelling “nice tits” out the car window. I’m sixteen you creeps. Catcalling, is trying to humiliate you, reinforce their own dominance over you; it’s a way of trying to say, “hey, I’m able to tear you down and say what I want about […]

I was so angry.
no, that’s an understatement; I was livid.

The problem?

my mom said we were out of butter for the toast I was making.

I got so pissed because we ran out of butter. BUTTER. I don’t understand why the littlest and stupidest things are starting to set me off, but i’m worried i’m going to snap at the people I care about.
Why does this happen?
I just don’t get it.