I used to believe (foolishly) that my life mattered, even though I was aware of some lives being more valuable than others, it’s like this truth was too hurtful to me as a child so I didn’t believe it. But my mother did not love me, as she showed me so many times. I have been loved for my body, for my sex, for the idea of me, but I have never been loved. The reason me being suicidal bothers anyone is their own selfish fear of death. I don’t care. I know James and his mom helped me out of guilt and also cause […]
Raycantdeal
I’m not sure what I thought I would accomplish. I’ve been running from my depression for weeks now. Dealing with small fires, my ex put all my shit outside and changed the locks, I got a new job and my boss thinks I’m completely incompetent, I had to estrange myself from my parents because they were toxic. I’ve been running from my suicidal thoughts by filling my days with boys, and friends and activity and work. But it caught up with my today and all I could think was how much of a relief it would be to just end it. Just thinking about […]
I want someone to know. Im going to clean the house, then Im going to buy several bottles of zzzquil, Im going to drink them all with some alcohol and then Im going to get a rope and walk in the arberetum behind my house and walk until I find a place no one will find my body for a little while at least. Then Im going to hang myself.
Thank you for listening to me. Thank you to those who cared. I just really must be going now.
Hi guys,
Its actually been a while since I posted. Ive been in a relationship the last two years and was trying to focus on being okay so I could function in society. But I just found out my bf has been lying about being okay with my condition. I have BPD so I feel emotionally like I have third degree burns all over my body. A lot of the time, if I feel safe, Im okay. I can push on. But right now I really just want to figure out a simple way to die. Ive kinda brought myself back around to hanging, but as […]
I told my brother and mother I wish she’d aborted me. My brother didnt answer, my mom juss said, “not again” because shes annoyed with me. Even though she’s never been there for me. Shes always been a selfish cold *****, and I’m done being afraid of her.
I’m in love.
I’ve been engaged. I’ve been in long term relationships. I’ve never been in love before.
But, I’m also more hindered by my depression than ever before. An overwhelming numbness has been plaguing me. I seek constant stimulants: weed, alcohol, coffee, sex) anything that will let me feel a little more and a little less. I finally decided to go spend a month or so with my sister, because I literally can’t take care of myself. I go days without eating. I’m homeless in the very practical sense of the word. I hurt myself intentionally, when I need to feel […]
I don’t know what to do. My coping mechanisms don’t work anymore. No matter how I starve, how I vomit up everything I eat, how I slice open my arms, and stomach, how I sleep with a different guy every night, how I run, run, run, run away. It catches up with me. Stuns me. Chokes me. Incapacitates me. Leaves me so tired I can’t imagine breathing for one more second. And I feel like such a burden. So unwanted. So unloved. I can’t breathe. I can’t stand being alive. Not for one more day. Not for one more second.
Gonna cut open my wrists. I tried. I tried. I can’t. Just can’t. Don’t matter how many guys I fuk or how much I work or how much I help my siblings. Don’t matter. It never gets better. I’m gonna die.
I haven’t eaten in two days. I don’t see the point. I went to the mountains and thought about throwing myself off. I’m tired. Tired. Tired.
There really isn’t a point, you guys. The system is set up against you, unless you’re born to privelage. I’m tired of the shittiness of everyone in my life. I’m over it. Fuck you, Izaac. Fuck you forever. I was the best thing that ever happened to you, and now you’ll never have me in your life. Best of luck being mediocre you giant ****. As far as the rest of you, you’re not even worth my derision. You’re nothing to me. I haven’t been eating enough, and now I’m going to stop altogether so I can just waste away in peace. It’ll hurt […]
I want to die today. I haven’t in a while, because I started doing really well in therapy and I got a new job and broke up with my bf and started talking to other guys, so I felt capable. I felt okay. I felt like I had a place on this earth and I mattered. Now, its all gone. I want to die. Being alive is worthless. Worthless. Worthless.
I used an online suicide chat service, and got the police called on me. I wasn’t even surprised, or ashamed. Nothing moves me anymore. I feel nothing . Only the desire to die.
More and more I am unable to see the point in living. I have been emotionally disabled my entire life. I have had to deal with what other people have done to me so much I’ve never been able to live my own life. Make my own choices and mistakes. I’m too busy paying for everyone elses. And I’m tired.
My best friend is so focused on traveling and posting pictures on social media so she feels better than everyone and sleeping with as many guys as possible. Meanwhile I’m choking myself and inhaling asitone so I can stop feeling. I’m done with […]
My best friend has stopped talking to me recently. I’m used to people leaving me, my father did it my whole life. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I just need to come to terms with it, but I think she thinks we’re still friendly. I want to start over. She is a reminder of all the pain and trauma I endured while we were at school together. It would be easier for me to just walk away. A big part of me wants to.
I’m in therapy now, for the first time in my life, and a lot of things are starting to make […]
Some days I leave therapy and I feel okay. I feel empty and kind of content, like I poured myself out and now I’m okay. Other days not so much. Other days I am drowning. I walk down the street and all I can think is if I throw myself into oncoming traffic it’ll be over. Suddenly. Quickly. That’s how I feel now. What’s the point? I’ve only ever known this pain. There is nothing more for me to feel.
My sister emotionally and verbally abused me for years, and my mom did nothing. When I finally said something about it to her (my sister) she said, “siblings fight” and “it wasn’t anything serious,” I started cutting myself because of her. I dreamed of suicide because of her. I wanted to die everyday. And now, she says it was nothing to her. I can’t understand this cruelty. This indifference. From someone who claims she loves me. Who claims I have always been a good sister. Then why? Why did you hurt me if I was such a good sister? Why did you abuse […]
It’s late. All I have is setraline and rum in my system. I’m out of weed. My thoughts are torturous. I don’t understand why I can’t find the courage to end all this. I just want it to be over.
I’m purging again. It feels amazing now, because I feel in control. I feel my body shrinking. Part of me prays I will shrink away into nothing. I know eventually I’m going to implode, and everyone near me will feel it. I don’t want that.
I think about suicide less, but that’s cause I’m focusing on monitoring my weight loss.
And therapy. I don’t like it, but I know I need it. When I’m not throwing back my bf’s old anxiety meds, I’m trying to get the courage to leave the house to go get weed. I always want to […]
People want me to open up to them but when I do they get angry. Angry at me for feeling hopeless. For wanting to give up. I respond in like and drive people away and I want to die even more. Why do they do that? Don’t ask me to open up if you’re not prepared to be kind. Don’t make me feel worse for wanting to give up. Get angry at the people who hurt me so bad that I want to die. Not me.
I told my mom that I have been suicidal for years, and that I’ve attempted suicide a few times. Now she texts me every morning. I don’t know how to feel about it. Its just too little, too late. Where was the caring when I told her that our cousin molested me? Or when she locked me outside all night when I was 8 because my room was dirty. No, it means nothing now. I thought it would but I was wrong.