I remember a couple of years back thinking I’ll be dead by nineteen. That by the time I turn nineteen I will have moved out, stop giving a fuck, and kill myself. I can’t live alone, man. I know if I move out I’d need roomates because I’d end up killing myself if I lived alone. No one to stop me. Made it to nineteen now im going to try and make it to twenty seven.
Why is it that everytime I see a pretty girl I want to kill myself. I guess I just think “Wow, I’ll never have anythinh good.”
I am fucking lonely, I lack confidence, I lack social skills, I am too fucking generous, I am ugly, I am a fuck up, and I hate myself.
Lately I have been able to imagine my suicide more vividly. I no longer feel the fear I used to feel when I thought about leaving everything behind. These imaginations feel more like I am looking into the future.
I keep telling myself that I can’t keep living like this. Shits not going to get better so I either kill myself or seek help. As of now seeking help is not likely; I don’t think I have the money to get professional help, I don’t even have the guts to ask my mom if there is some place I can go to gor help. I wouldn’t even want to go get help with my whole family knowing, I just want it to be all on my own; it all seems like too much. A gun sounds easier and cheaper. Maybe in a few years…
>November: Car accident
>December: Speeding ticket
>January: Speeding ticket, academic probabtion, financial aid probation warning, totaled car, fucking bills
Right about now, suicide sounds really fucking easy.
I’m so fucking tired of being so quiet all the time. I can never initiate a conversation nor can I keep one going. There have been so many people I have wanted to meet, potential smoke buddies, potential relationships. If I just fucking opened my mouth. And I have so much guilt too! Fuck, man!
And if this is goodbye then thank you, Kimberly. I would say I’ll really miss you and all the good times we had because its the truth, but that would be ironic considering what I am trying to do here. I will try to enjoy my life once I get better. Sorry that every time you wanted to talk I had nothing helpful to say, I just did the best I could, I wish I could have helped you to feel better. Sorry that things changed, even though there is obviously nothing we can do about change. I know we both had good times and […]
I can say I grew up with her. She was my best friend, she was funny, she liked the same things I did, she was perfect; I loved her. She made me feel like no one else ever could make me feel. Its hard to explain that beautiful feeling. Although I felt so much love for her, she was still my best friend, it was just that way. She couldn’t feel the same for me and that is fine, she was still my best friend. When I moved, we still kept contact; we still messaged each other, we still wrote letters to each other, and […]
I just ditched one of my finals. I attend a communuty college and I take 3 classes (12 units) I started failing one class but I never fropped it because then wouldnt qualify for financial aid. I made an effort to do good but couldnt pull through. Today was my final and I just ditched it because it was stressing me the fuck out. I knew I was going to fail regardlessif I took my final or not, so I decided to not go. This decision is going to haunt me all fucking day now. How bad did I fuck up? I hate dissappointing and […]
Im starting to hate my fucking life again. I get up real early in the morning to go to the class I hate. I am failing my classes but I only still go because if I dropped out i’d be in debt. I’m back to worrying about my future. What the fuck will become of me!
The house is all to myself. Right now would be a good time as any to go out. I can just smoke the last of my pot, od on pills, and probably tie the rope somewhere. Too bad I have plans for today…
Here is an updated version of one of my old posts if you’d like to read it.
https://www.wattpad.com/story/79631529-sorry-i-died
Go to college. Make mom proud.
Man, I was actually happy in the beginning of the semester. I was a college kid. Im going to have fun, meet new people, get an education. But im fucking failing like always and my mom doesnt know it. Im still fucking quiet and lonely. I have not met anyone. I thought maybe i’d find love. I thoughy maybe i’d make mom proud
I see people all around me smiling and laughing. People I want to talk to, people I want to be friends with. They have such beautiful smiles and such contagious laughter. How is it so hard for me to come up with something to say. How is it so hard to make friends. I feel that where I am at now, I wil be going downward in the future. I stick with the only friends I got; and they are not bad people, I just feel that meeting new people has a positive effect on you. I stick with the same friends who will probably […]
I remember telling my brother that I won’t end up lonely because I will start work and school soon and meet people. Well here I am in class looking at the many girls I would like to talk to but I know I wont. I just got back from work too. Where there I quietly open boxes all day. My boss is a talkative person but I tend to just chuckle and agree to what he says or smile and say “oh.” Thats all I can ever say. I never know what to say. At work all I hear are happy songs or love song. […]
I’ve been pretty fucking depressed, then just average ups and downs, then good days and bad nights. But lately, holy shit. My days have been getting more and more depressing and I completely stopped giving a fuck. Just two more days until I can smoke pot again and I just can’t wait so I can add even more not giving a fuck to my already boring and pointless life.
I can actually say that I don’t feel that way for you. I know this because when we talk I don’t feel like I used to. I can comfortably talk to you without the sad void I feel after our conversations. I always tend to think out scenarios in my head and I imagine, for some reason, seeing you once again for the first time in a long time and suddenly falling back to those feelings. I want to see you again because it has been a while and I feel that I owe; you but I am scared to ask because I feel guilty […]
It was just a year ago when all I ever did was stay indoors all day playing pc games, watching animes, and listening to my music. I was fully aware of my situation and I knew who would help; I sought the help. But I stayed the same, I wanted to be the hermit I felt I was because although my depression tormented me, my staying indoors comforted me. I know it still lingers but I want to go back to a year ago. Where my only happiness was found within a server of people who are just like me.
My thoughts, my dreams, my loneliness, my past; they’re all going to kill me one day.
I write this because I assume we won’t talk again. Sorry.
From an extra letter I wrote that I planned to send you.
Four years I loved you. We were always close throughout middle school. We always hung out, talked, walked, everything. I missed talking to you until one of us fell asleep, or walking you home, or our long hugs, or even hearing when people would ask me if we were a couple. I guess even though I am no longer in love with you, I still miss those things. I remember everything, you know. I remember when I first found out I was in love […]